


One Good Thing

by Sydbond



Category: The Brave (TV 2017)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-04-23 17:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 61,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14337678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sydbond/pseuds/Sydbond
Summary: Leave is starting and Jaz and Adam still have many hurdles coming their way.Ch 14: It looks uncannily like that time where he told his sister he wanted to marry Jaz and retire to start a family with her. Except this time she’s not even a possibility. Or if she is, she isn’t a strong one.





	1. Chapter 1

The hospital room is cold. Jaz wraps her arms around herself, trying not to concentrate too much on everything at stake. She has never liked hospitals. The machines, the smells- they are all part of something she saw too much of as a child. 

Broken bones, deep dark bruises and lengthy burns-  
She saw way too much of those beeping machines. 

Preach is still breathing, with the help of those very machines and she knows she should be grateful, but she really can’t be. Not after the way Preach’s wife cried over the phone.  
Jaz had swallowed back tears; she had to be strong for Preach’s wife, but right there, sitting next to him without anyone to see her, she knows she is fighting a lost cause. 

Amir is asleep on a plastic chair and there is drool falling on the side of his cheek. On an ordinary day, she would have taken a picture and revelled in the blackmail possibilities it would bring, but now all she can do is worry. 

Because Preach is still on life support, their whole team got shaken up due to this son of a bitch and Top. Top is his very own category of worries. 

He’d left them without a single word, simply disappearing without a trace. As if they weren’t his team. As if all those times she’d had his back meant nothing. 

She knows that he has probably justified this decision with a need to protect them. Jaz goes back to their conversation after the guys came back from Colombia. How he’d told her that he had this darkness inside of him that he feared could not be controlled. 

Jaz lets out a sigh, massaging her temple, trying to top the rising anxiety. Hoffman has Preach’s gun. Top, he has nothing. No element of surprise, no carefully detailed plan. Nothing. Not even them. 

She’s not sure she can lose someone again. 

The machines beep steadily and, for a moment, she tries to concentrate on the easy rhythm. Her breaths coordinate with the sounds and she feels herself getting calmer. Like she does when she’s in the field. 

She’s worried sick, but mostly she is hurt. More than she wants to admit. 

The two of them usually pair up on missions. His eyes are on hers first when things go south. She’s the one he spills his guts to when they get back from a rough job. She’d thought that she was special. That what they had was special. 

But he’d cut her off just as easily as the rest of them, leaving her with nothing but worries and a slow boiling anger. It hurts. 

Jaz pushes herself off the wall, heading down the hallway to Director Campbell’s room. Her watch tells her it’s been over five hours since Top has deserted them. Slowly, hurt turns into more worry. 

McG is there, eyes glued to his closed phone. Campbell is sleeping on her bed. McG raises his eyes to hers, and she tears up like a five year old. 

‘‘Joe, ‘‘ she whispers, feeling like all the weight of the world is on her shoulders.

He swiftly gets up, phone forgotten, wrapping her up in his arms. It doesn’t take her long before she is wetting his shirt, silent tears streaming down her face. His huge frame engulfs hers and she feels ridiculous, head barely reaching his chest. But his hands at warm against the cotton of her shirt and his arms are strong and steady and she clings to him like a lifeline. 

The first night after Elijah died, she had wandered aimlessly down the hallway until she’d landed in his bed. It wasn’t the first time, and she knew it wouldn’t be the last. Sometimes all you needed were strong arms holding you, and McG didn’t seem to recoil from her touch like Dalton did. 

They stay like that for a long moment, her face pressed up on his shirt, his hands smoothing down her hair. Neither of them speaks for some time. When her breathing evens out, McG glances at Campbell and tugs Jaz out of the room. Her eyes are puffy and his are rimmed with red and she doesn’t let go of his hand. 

‘‘Where is he? ‘‘ she asks in a small voice. McG runs a hand through his hair, eyes softening as they set on her. She must look pitiful, but all she can think about is that Adam is out there somewhere, needing them, probably hurt. Adam. She only lets herself call him that in her head. It seems too special, too intimate. 

Her heart contracts painfully in her chest. 

‘‘I don’t know Jazzy, ‘‘ answers McG and he pulls at their interlocked fingers, bringing her back to his chest. 

This time, she glances up at him instead of hiding in his chest. He’s already seen the tears. 

A shiver goes through her, and she’s not sure if it’s from the cold hospital air, or the panic rising to the surface. McG shrugs off his hoodie and wraps it around her, zipping it to her neck. 

‘‘Come on, let’s go grab a coffee, ‘‘ he says, hand still firmly grasping hers. It’s like he’s afraid she might bolt if he lets her go. 

Jaz presses her nose into the soft, worn fabric. It smells like McG, but there is this light hint of laundry detergent that she usually associates with Top. 

 

xxxxx

 

They end up at an old formica table, glancing down at their steaming mugs of bad coffee and day-old doughnuts. Jaz stomach growls loudly and she knows she should eat something, but she also knows it will come back up the second it passes her lips. 

For an hour, McG does his best to keep her mind away from Top, recalling old missions and making fun of their teammates.  
She laughs, not too loud, not too hard, but she still laughs and he seems satisfied with it. 

‘‘Don’t worry, he’ll come through,” he says and she gazes at him, tired and worried. ‘‘In a few hours you’ll be back to doing your Dalton eyes.”

‘‘My what?” she asks sharply, not unlike the way she’d replied to Hoffman’s boyfriend comment 48 hours ago. She hadn’t missed the way Adam stepped right in front of her after that, as if trying to shield her from their radioactive guest. 

‘‘You know, those eyes you make at him, like he’s the center of the universe.” 

He is the center of her universe. But Jaz didn’t think she was that obvious. Elijah used to tease her about her Dalton eyes too. 

Jaz doesn’t answer. This is a touchy subject. There are careers on the line, emotions on the line, her team on the line. She isn’t sure she wants to risk losing so much. 

‘‘Your secret’s safe with me,”‘ he says and she casts him a grateful look. His fingers squeeze hers. 

‘‘I need some air,” she replies and he seems to catch on she wants some time by herself. He nods and she leaves, heading to the front doors of the hospital.

 

xxxxx

 

There are benches and trees, smiling people and a light wind. The sun is slowly sinking into the color-splattered sky. It would be a beautiful night if she wasn’t torn apart with grief and worry. 

Jaz shivers in McG’s hoodie and buries her fists in her pockets. She takes them out and wrings her hands together before putting them back inside. She can’t seem to stay in place, not when Top- Adam- is in danger. Jaz needs to know his six is being watched. She needs to know he’s safe. 

Adam. 

She falls back on a bench, letting out yet another sigh. Another hour passes by and she toys with her emotions, an unhealthy game they’ve all been guilty of playing. 

Jaz feels his presence before he’s even on hospital grounds, ninja skills coming in handy. He sees her immediately and she feels like a thousand bricks have been lifted from her shoulders. Her breaths come more easily, and all she wants to do is to keep him next to her, safe. 

Top walks up to her, hands in his pockets, a haunted look in his eyes. He casts her an easy grin and that grin goes straight through her. It changes something, like a light switch and suddenly all worry is replaced with something bigger, stronger that bubbles up to the surface. 

She punches him. Hard. 

‘‘What the hell Jaz?” he asks, and she is torn between the urge to kiss him and the one to hit him again. 

The latter one wins. ‘‘You don’t get to do this,” she says, punching him again, straight in the chest. ‘‘Disappearing, not a single word.” She sticks an accusing finger into his muscles with every word. ‘‘Do you have any idea how worried I was?” 

He catches her hand and folds it to his chest, over the skin she’s just bruised. 

‘‘I didn’t want you to be there when the darkness came,” he replies and she bites down on her lip, willing away the tears. 

Her eyes are glassy and she’s failing miserably at this not crying thing. Inside of her, relief wins over anger and she holds his gaze. Her other hand goes to his beard, fingers ghosting over it in a tender gesture. 

Adam closes his eyes as she does so. They both know they are toeing the line, but neither of them move. 

‘‘I don’t care,” she whispers and he pulls her to his chest. He wraps his arms around her waist, holding her like he’s afraid she might break. She’s not sure exactly what she doesn’t care about; his stupid reasoning or the darkness that resides inside of him. Right now, she has him back and it’s all that matters. 

 

xxxx

 

Jaz wakes up in the middle of the night, throat drier than the desert. 

Hannah and Noah found them a suite in a nearby hotel so they could be close to the hospital while the Quonset hunt was taken care of.  
There are two bedrooms. Amir and McG share one while Top had insisted on taking the couch. She’d protested, telling him the queen bed was plenty big for the two of them, but something in his eyes had her relenting. Seeing Preach like that seemed to have taken a number on him. Maybe he needed the alone time. 

She silently sneaks into the kitchen, surprised to find Top awake. He is facing away from her, his shoulders shaking under the weight of his sobs. For a moment she considers retreating back to her room and leaving him some privacy, but the sight of crumpled Adam has her aching. 

Jaz moves in front of him and it’s either a testament to her ninja skills or his state of mind that he doesn’t notice she’s there until she is crouching in front of him, putting a hand to his knee. 

His eyes are red-rimmed as they rise, landing on Jaz. She reaches for him and lets her thumb wipe out tears from his cheek. He leans into her touch. 

‘‘Top,” she whispers, but the rest of her words get stuck in her throat.

‘‘What if he doesn’t make it,” he says. 

She watches him carefully. Somehow, she knows he killed Hoffman. A piece of his soul has probably been chipped off from that act alone. Preach being in a coma might just be the last straw. 

Jaz’s heart aches for him, and for a moment all she wants to do is kiss him until this world makes sense again. She settles for sinking to her knees in front of him.  
Her hands settle on both sides of his face, forcing him to look at her. 

‘‘He will,” she says in a firm voice. 

He sighs loudly, hurt coming off of him in waves. 

‘‘You’re a good man,” she says because it’s the thing he needs to hear. He doesn’t answer and she traces small circles over his skin. 

It’s her turn to be strong. 

Jaz wraps her arms around him, ignoring the awkward angle. He tugs her closer and she falls on his lap, straddling him.  
He buries his head in her chest and nothing about this feels physical. It feels intimate, and it’s both heart-wrenching and comforting. 

After a few minutes Jaz glances at the clock and scrapes her nails over his scalp. 

‘‘Come to bed,” she urges, because she knows there is no way Adam will be able to get through tomorrow without sleeping for the second night in a row.  
He nods and lets her guide them to their feet. She pushes the cover open and helps him lay down. 

Jaz moves to the other side of the bed and closes her eyes. It’s not long before she feels Adam reaching out for her. 

His hands snake around her waist bringing her to him. His knees curl under hers as his grip tightens. She sinks into his embrace, heart fluttering even when it shouldn’t. Adam falls asleep behind her, his breath ghosting over her exposed shoulder. She smiles through the pain. 

She’ll worry about it tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a problem, Jaz knows, because now she can only fall asleep to the sound of his breathing, with the heat of his body curled around hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally posted the first chapter on Tumblr, so now you have 2 chapters in one day :)  
> A HUGE thanks to logictron for beta-ing the shit out of my works :p

They’re napping when it happens. The phone rings and McG stirs under her, looking at the caller ID with groggy eyes. 

‘‘Hello?” he croaks and Jaz blinks, wondering how in the heck the two of them ended up napping on the couch. They’re both exhausted and it’s not exactly surprising that they fell asleep in the middle of the day while trying to distract themselves with a movie. 

Unwillingly, her eyes search the room, looking for Adam. He’s not there. It has been a week since the Hoffman fiasco and duty has come back to bite them in the ass. Top has had to go back to the base many times in the past days, doing debriefs and filing paperwork. 

Every time, Jaz tries to go with him, but he gently rebukes her. She’s come to understand this is something he needs to do by himself. 

‘‘Hannah?” asks McG and Jaz’s head perks up. DC calling must mean news. There’s also the fact that McG’s face splits into a smile when he hears the analyst’s voice. Just like with Amir drooling, Jaz ponders for a fleeting moment if she should record this on her cellphone and put it to good use later on. 

But McG has been as rattled as the rest of them by the past week and if Hannah Rivera can put that smile on his face, she should let him be. 

‘‘Sure, thank you,” he says, head nodding as the analyst talks. ‘‘Hey Hannah, see you soon,‘‘ 

He adds the last bit with a cheeky grin that reminds Jaz of a mischievous eight year old. She quirks an eyebrow at him and he closes the phone, unapologetic. 

‘‘Hannah, huh?” she asks.

Jaz is ready to rib him until the subject is milked out, but she never gets there because McG throws his sweatshirt at her. ‘‘Preach is awake.” 

 

xxxxx

 

They hurry up to the hospital, dragging Amir with them. Jaz sits in the backseat of their SUV and picks up her phone. It takes Adam three rings to answer. 

‘‘Preach just woke up,” she says. On the line, Adam takes a deep breath. She can see him sitting up slowly, hand rubbing his beard as he lets relief wash over him. 

Jaz wishes she had pushed further to accompany him on the base. The emotions are battling inside of her and she doesn’t feel steady. The only thing that steadies her lately is Top. 

‘‘I’m coming,” he answers and then, for a moment, it feels like he wants to add something, but the line goes dead.

She thinks of all the nights they’ve spent together lately. Since that night where she found him crying on the couch, they have been falling asleep in each other’s arms. It’s a problem, Jaz knows, because now she can only fall asleep to the sound of his breathing, with the heat of his body curled around hers. 

They don’t push the line further during those moments, simply drawing comfort from each other. She wakes up to him, hard and thick against her, a couple of times, but she feigns being asleep until she feels him shift away from her. Jaz is not exactly sure what that means. The desire in her belly roars louder as the days go by. 

 

xxxxx

 

The reunion is a mess. There are tears and hugs and jokes because the guys suddenly seem to remember they should not be crying and humor has always been their best defense. Jaz joins in the ribbing, her hand still firmly clasping her phone. 

Just in case Top calls. 

She’s sitting at the foot of Preach’s bed when Dalton gets there. Her eyes stay glued to her CO, not missing a single emotion crossing his features. 

Top’s voice is raspy as he speaks and Jaz hops off the bed, tucking herself under McG’s arm as they retreat to the doorway, trying to give the two friends some privacy. 

Still, her eyes stay glued to Adam. She has seen him tremble every night, overcome with guilt. She wonders if he was this messed up when she got taken. The guys had sometimes let certain things slip about his state in Tehran, but she’d never really asked, too scared of what she might hear. 

‘‘I’ll go get some coffee, ‘‘ says Amir, and Jaz casts him a grateful smile. 

‘‘It’ll do him some good, having Preach back,” she says as McG tugs her closer. The two of them have always been close, but they have been particularly touchy since Elijah’s death. She leans into his warmth as Top takes Preach’s hand. Something in her chest gives in, relief washing over her. 

‘‘You seem to have taken good care of him,” he teases and she turns her head to him, not really sure what to say. They’re not stupid, they caught on to what was happening in the other room. But even she doesn’t know exactly what is happening in their room. 

‘‘We’re just sleeping in the same bed.” She shrugs because she is not ready to face all of this. Jaz isn’t really sure if Adam is clinging to her because she clung to him after Elijah died. ‘‘He knows I owe him,” she adds, eyes glued to the ground. 

‘‘Jazzy,” starts McG, but she cuts him off. 

‘‘Joe, don’t,” she says, but McG lifts her chin so he can look her in the eye. 

‘‘I was devastated in Tehran,” he tells her with a firm voice. ‘‘But Top was a shell of a man. Forget about this week, this was ten times worse.” 

‘‘What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks, rolling her eyes. Nonetheless, her heart beats a little faster. 

‘‘It means that you might have your Dalton eyes, but he has his Jazzy eyes.” 

She opens her mouth to ask him more about it, but Amir comes back with the coffee. From his bed, Preach signals for them to get back in the room. 

 

xxxxxx

 

‘‘So I heard you were going back to Preach’s house,” says Amir to Jaz over their morning coffee. It has been a week since Preach woke up and they are about to get shipped back stateside. 

‘‘Yeah, he and Aline will need help with the kids.” She shrugs, munching on her toast. Jaz is glad she can be of help, especially since her time on leave is usually pretty boring. It’s not like she has a family to come home to and she doesn’t really let people in easily. 

This time, it’ll be different. She will be of use. A bonus family member. Yet, she can’t help but feel bummed that this is her last night with Adam. 

‘‘Jaz? With kids?” asks McG, a gleeful look on his face. 

She gives him a withering glare and Top moves in front of her, blocking McG from her sight. ‘‘You’ll do a great job with them,” he says and she reaches for his hand before realizing she can’t do this in front of Joe and Amir. They know the two of them fall asleep in each other’s arms, but it’s in the privacy of their own room. Taking his hand, it feels too big- too intimate- to share with others. Her hand drops back to her side. 

Behind Top’s back, Amir and McG exchange smirks. 

 

xxxxx

 

That evening, Jaz packs her meager belongings in her duffle bag. Top is in the shower and she glances at his folded pile of clean laundry. His Army shirt is in there. The shirt he loves to work out in. The shirt she loves to see him workout in. Jaz can’t help it, she closes the door and goes for the pile. She manages to steal the army shirt along with a regulation one without disturbing the rest of the pile. For a few seconds, she inhales the familiar scent, nose pressed into the worn down fabric. Adam bursts into the room, shirtless and she quickly pushes the two shirts further down into her bag, fiercely hiding her bounty. 

It’s their last night together and both of them know it. It can’t go back to this little bubble of theirs. They spend the night talking and laughing, stretched out side by side on the bed. Soft voices and warm laughs. 

The weight of Preach’s unknown fate has lifted and somehow she feels infinitely lighter. So light, she feels giddy and a little drunk on life. She has her elbow tucked under a pillow, propping her head up. 

‘‘I’ll come to Preach’s in two weeks,” says Top and Jaz stares at him. She knew he planned on getting to California, but she didn’t think he would come so fast. ‘‘I have to swing by Pennsylvania first,”

‘‘You need to see your sisters.”

‘‘Yeah, and drop enough gifts on their kids so they forget I’m not there 8 months out of the year,” he chuckles. There’s a light in his eyes as he speaks of his niece and nephews.  
She’s not ready to go to sleep, not when those few hours are the last they will have, so she keeps him talking. 

‘‘Tell me more about them.”

So he does. He tells her about Sara and Molly, and Sara’s three kids. Molly who is a grad student at Penn, getting her PhD in some sort of science thing that seems overly complicated. Sara has Isabelle, Gabe and baby Elliott. Sometimes during their talking, their feet end up tangled together. He brushes away stray piece of hair and she holds his gaze. 

His hand stays on her cheek and she leans into his touch. 

‘‘Top,” she says and he closes his eyes

‘‘Adam,” he answers.  
Her eyes stare at his. 

‘‘Adam.” It’s the first time she says his name and he likes the way it rolls from her lips. 

She shifts her hips so they’re edging closer to his and he fights back a smile. He moves his hand to her arm and trails it down until he can interlock their fingers. 

‘‘I’m going to miss you,” she says.

‘‘It’s only three weeks,”

But SoCal three weeks from now seems so far away. She isn’t even away from him and she already misses him. She knows it’s stupid. They still have one last night. But Jaz also knows that this is the last one they have and it makes it bittersweet. 

‘‘I have a feeling it won’t be three easy weeks,” she chuckles.  
Preach’s daughters are energetic at best. Jaz likes kids, but she doesn’t expect an easy time with the Carter girls. 

‘‘I wasn’t kidding when I told you you would do great.” Adam’s blue eyes gaze down at her, full of trust. 

‘‘Sure,” she mumbles, unconvinced. Still, she feels her heart clench. 

‘‘Hey, I know you and I come from fucked up places. But it doesn’t mean we have to keep the tradition going.” His fingers linger on her cheek as he tells her so. 

She studies him in the darkness. ‘‘Do you want kids?‘‘ 

He stalls at that question. Jaz herself isn’t sure what she would answer. Three years ago she would have answered no. With parents like hers, she didn’t know the kind of mom she could be. Couldn’t even imagine kids around a table in her wildest dreams. But then this man who was strong and kind and so perfect had barreled straight into her life, and she can suddenly see herself coming home to dark haired kids with blue eyes. 

‘‘I think I do,” he answers truthfully and he stares at her with some expression she can’t quite read. It’s an odd thing for the two of them who are used to sharing wordless conversations. 

‘‘Hey,‘‘ he says. ‘‘Talk to me.”

‘‘I never pegged you for a ball and chain and picket fence kind of guy,” she replies.

‘‘Well, you know. Things change. People change”

She breaks the tension with a soft laugh. ‘‘You’re going to be the biggest pushover,”

If her kids have his eyes, she knows she’ll be screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find my on tumblr at sydbond!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘‘I miss you,” she whispers and Adam stays silent on his side of the line.
> 
> Jaz freezes. This was a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am blown away by the sweet comments :) You make writing this so amazing!

After debrief, they have breakfast one last time as a team in DC before getting in their respective planes home. As a rule of thumb, the last debrief is always the hardest. The DIA people are not confined to the screen of a computer. There are dozens of agents, scrutinizing every single detail and they are sitting right in front of them, noticing the tiniest things.

Jaz was clearly uncomfortable and had found herself leaning closer to McGuire. The further away from Dalton she was, the better it would look for the two of them. They hadn’t really done anything, but it didn’t shake the feeling that those DIA people could see right through her and read her mind. What a dangerous thing it would be if they actually could.

She stares at her coffee, thoroughly bummed. Their leave has just started and her nights with Top are officially done. There will be no more shared whispers and soft smiles until the wee hours of the morning. Jaz wonders for a brief moment how she can survive without him, her dark eyes studying him. He senses her gaze and he glances at her, giving her that boyish smile of his that she loves to see at the crack of dawn.

Top ended up in her hotel room the night before. After an exhausting day of debriefs, she had felt like she might just collapse on her bed, but instead, she had found herself unable to sleep, tossing and turning in her too big bed until 2 am. Adam must have had the same problem because he ended up knocking on her door, rubbing his beard with those thick fingers of his.

Eyes drifting to his fingers, she tries not to think too hard at how good they would feel buried deep inside of her. Jaz shakes her head. The Dalton time window has closed. Now all she has to think about is getting on that plane to San Diego with McG. Then she’ll have no problem staying occupied with Preach’s girls.

She gets up, mumbling something about getting her bags from upstairs. Back in her hotel room, she lets herself feel her disappointment. Jaz makes sure she still has both of Adam’s shirts in her duffle bag. At least she won’t have lost everything of their nights.

Jaz hears McG knock on her door and she opens it up, stilting when she realize it’s not McG, but Adam.

‘‘Top? ” she asks, but she opens the door wider, letting him in.

For all his usual strong and steady act, Top does not look like he knows what he’s doing right now. He stares at her, long and hard, hands deep inside his pockets.

‘‘All packed? ” he asks and she glances at him. The tension is so thick they could cut through it with a knife.

She nods, wondering what to do with her hands. She wants to reach for him, to hold him, to kiss him until both of their minds turn blank.

‘‘Don’t worry about the kids. Consider it practice for the future,”

‘‘For the future?” she raises her chin, eyebrow quirked up.

‘‘Can you imagine a miniature Jaz? The toddler terror,” he chuckles and takes a step towards her. They’re so close she could lean an inch forward and they would be kissing.

‘‘Another reason not to have kids,” she whispers because it seems ridiculous to talk in normal tones right now.

‘‘Come on, she would be cute,” replies Adam. His fingers itch closer to hers until their tips touch.

Jaz grabs his hand in a swift movement. ‘‘You think I’m cute?” she teases.

There’s a moment as they hook glances and stay still. Their hands are still firmly grasped into each other’s. ‘‘You know just how pretty you are Jazzy,”

And then he grabs her by the waist and holds her thin frame to his. His nose is cold on her neck, but she doesn’t mind. She holds him tighter because she is not ready to say goodbye, not ready to sleep alone and definitely not ready to wake up without Adam Dalton wrapped around her. He presses a kiss in the crook of her neck and Jaz freezes.

She raises her head and doesn’t say a word. Her eyes flick to his lips. How long has she fantasised about kissing those lips? Too long. She has spent hours thinking about his mouth on her body, the way his beard would feel against her skin.

Adam’s breath catches in his throat and for a moment none of them moves, waiting for the other to poke the line. Slowly, the fingers he has interlocked with hers free themselves from her grasp to trail over the length of her arm until they rest on her cheek. Their foreheads bump together, his breath fawning over hers.

Jaz may not be McG, but she’s not a puritan. She knows exactly where this is going. And some parts of her body are very happy about it.

The hand he has on her back bunches up her shirt, fingers splaying over the soft skin there. Her breath hitches and she stays still as his lips edge so close they’re about to touch hers.

‘‘Jazzy! I hope you’re packed because-‘‘ McG bursts into her room and the two of them jump apart.

Everything suddenly seems so real. McG casts her an apologetic glance and Jaz’s eyes search Adam’s but it’s clear as day he is avoiding both of them.

 

xxxxxxxx

 

Aline is waiting for them at the airport. Jaz smiles warmly at Preach’s wife, happy to see her after a very demanding year. She might also be happy to finally escape McG and his innuendos about her and Adam.

‘‘Hello you two,” says Aline, hugging McG first.

‘‘Hi Ma’mm,”‘ he says with a cheeky grin.

‘‘It’s Aline, Joseph,”

Jaz watches with amusement as Joe gives Preach’s wife a charming look. With a shapely body and legs for days, there is no denying Aline is strikingly beautiful. McGuire being McGuire, he can’t help switching on the flirting mode every time he sees her.

‘‘I have a plane to catch,” says Joe, checking on his watch. He bends down to hug Jaz, lifting her off her feet. ‘‘Don’t get into too much trouble, Jazzy,”

‘‘I could say the same to you,” she answers, trying not to look to annoyed as he ruffles her hair.

He shoulders his carry-on and heads to his gate with a generic wave in their direction. Jaz watches him walk away, suddenly wondering if she did the right thing. Maybe she should have taken up McG on his offer to stay at his place in Montana. There’s something about Kendra McGuire’s constant mothering that makes everyone feel safe and she needs safe at the moment. Jaz remembers the last time she was there, when Elijah was still alive. How she fussed over the three of them and cooked them gigantic meals.  
Instead, Jaz has willingly put herself in a situation where she has to do the mothering. She takes a deep breath; this is about to be fun.

‘‘The girls are at school but they’re very excited for Aunty Jaz to arrive,” smiles Aline, rubbing Jaz’s shoulder.

‘‘I can’t wait to see them,” she replies out of habit before realizing that it isn’t just some made up answer. She really is excited to see the Carter girls.

 

xxxxxxx

 

The girls keep her busy. They each have grown way more than Jaz would have believed it possible. The oldest, Eva, is particularly happy to see her because Jaz is the only one who will play soccer with her now that Preach’s mobility is restricted. They spend hours in the backyard when she comes home from school, practicing kicks and passing the ball back and forth. 

It reminds Jaz of those lazy days at the beach in Turkey before the bomb went off and shattered their world.

Leah is not as openly affectionate. She spends most of her time drawing, or reading books, curled into a corner of the couch. Jaz lets her be because she knows how it feels when adults try to force something on you. She tells herself Leah will come around when she is ready and she does. One night after supper, they all gather around the television to watch a children’s cartoon and Leah tucks herself under Jaz’s arm.

Jaz stays surprised for a moment, but she trails her fingers down Leah’s hair and the little girl sighs contentedly against Jaz’s side. Preach looks at them knowingly and he mutters something along the lines of Jaz having a way with kids.

‘‘It’s just that your daughters are angels, Preach,”

‘‘Keep telling yourself that, but I’m pretty sure you won’t end up alone,” replies Preach. Jaz knows he’s making a reference to the conversation he had with Top and her before Nigeria. For a moment, she ponders on how her take on life could have changed this much in a few months. After being tortured and almost losing Preach, she’s come to realize she wants more to this life.

She thinks of the Adam’s shirts, which she buries her nose into before going to bed because they smell like him, and wonders if he also thinks of her. He has called her daily, but their conversations have remained superficial. It feels strange for them to be skimming the surface off things, after spending two weeks whispering their innermost thoughts to each other well into the night.

Preach usually spends his day running from appointment to appointment, which means that Aline has to drive him everywhere. Jaz stays at home, taking care of four years-old Gracie, who is still too young for kindergarten. She takes over the house for Aline; dropping off the girls at school, making meals and packing lunches, carpooling to soccer matches and piano lessons with the rambling toddler glued to her side.

Jaz starts to run around the neighborhood with a stroller like some of those mothers she sees passing by the house in brightly colored Nike sneakers. She brings Gracie to the park and trains when she watches cartoons.

She finds she likes it, that kind of life. She thought it would be boring, but it really isn’t. Sure the adrenaline is missing, but there’s something gratifying about knowing she is the one putting a smile on their faces.

The nights are the worst. She tries sleeping without him, but she keeps waking up, shivering with cold because her usual human furnace is not blazing heat next to her. She puts more blankets on her bed and piles pillows behind her, trying to recreate an Adam presence.

On the fourth day she slips on the Army shirt. The scent is overpowering and for a moment she can almost believe he’s back to sleeping next to her, arms thrown over her waist. Her mind is assaulted with images of Adam’s arms, trapped into one of his tight shirts as he works out. This is mainly why Jaz always works out when Adam does, to keep her eyes from running over his body. It’s too dangerous.

Then, the scent turns to comforting and she falls asleep with a content smile on her face that night.

It’s no surprise she dreams of him. In her dreams, he kisses her sinfully slow and neither of them seem to mind that they’re lying on the pool table where anyone could catch them. He presses open-mouthed kisses on the sensitive skin of her neck, licking and sucking as she moans her approval. It’s intoxicating and exhilarating and her nails grip at him, trying to bring him closer. Adam’s hands touch her all over, running down her legs, pushing her tank top out of the way, his hungry gaze devouring every inch of skin.  
Jaz wakes up, panting, not sure what really happened. It’s the first time she has a dirty dream since they slept on the same bed. She knows every inch of her is craving him, body and soul. Given the vivid dreams, so does her subconscious apparently.

Adam starts calling every night. He mostly asks about Preach and she tells him he is getting better quicker than anyone expected. Because she doesn’t want his calls to end, she tells him about the girls. How Gracie is glued to her hip and how she had to learn the fastidious art of French braiding. 

But she wants more. She wants him next to her, waking up in the same bed as hers every morning.

That night when he tells her goodnight, she stares at his contact picture for a long time, wondering is he also feels like they’re firmly back to their own side of the line. Jaz shifts her position in the bed and groans. She wants a lot of things when it comes to Adam and she’s not sure if this wanting is mutual.

She tries to get over it, but the need just keeps growing. Every time she closes her eyes, she is assailed with images of Adam sucking on her neck, Adam pushing her down on the bed, Adam kneeling in front of her with a hungry gaze.

Jaz whimpers and lets her fingers travel under the army t shirt. Her eyes close and she is back to Adam land.

 

xxxxxxx

 

On the sixth day Jaz can’t take it anymore. She needs him. She is going stir crazy, not being able to sleep. Jaz does sleep -in short stretches- but she always wakes up panting into an empty bed, cheeks flushed from the detailed dreams she’s having. Her mind is going mad.

Preach must have noticed she doesn’t sleep because that night Adam slips something about it.

‘‘Sleep is hard to come by,” she answers.

‘‘You didn’t have any trouble in Turkey.” He means at the hotel, she knows that. Yet, the fact that he doesn’t voice their sleeping arrangements means more than he knows.

‘‘Must be the time zones,” she mumbles and even to her the excuse sounds feeble.

‘‘I’m coming in two weeks,” he says.

‘‘You sure your sisters will be alright?” asks Jaz. She doesn’t want for Adam to leave his family just because she’s too much of a baby to sleep alone. But at the same time, a small -gigantic- part of her wants him to herself.

‘‘They manage all year,” replies Adam and Jaz’s stomach does a loop inside of her.

Jaz isn’t sure she can manage without him for another two weeks.

He tells her about Elliott who’s not such a baby anymore and she smiles, imagining him with a miniature Adam. Preach is right, Adam seems totally whipped by those kids. They talk all night and it starts to feel like it did at the hotel, when there was nothing but thin cotton between them. It’s in the wee hours of the morning that her sleepless mind really gets to her.

‘‘I miss you,” she whispers and Adam stays silent on his side of the line.

Jaz freezes. This was a mistake. 

They’re in the real world now, where Preach is alive and on the road to recovery. Whatever happened between them is not supposed to carry on.   
It takes a long time and she hears the hesitation in his voice as he answers. ‘‘Me too. I miss you more than you could think,” 

 

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

After that night Jaz feels things shifting once again in their relationship. Their calls stretch long into the night and they start to talk a lot more than they did on base. She learns his little quirks and they share stories from their past.

It’s on one of those night when he mentions something about how bad he is with laundry. ‘‘I swear I keep losing my things,” chuckles Adam.

Jaz rolls on her tummy, smirking at the thought of Adam trying to pair half-missing socks. ‘‘Come on someone as conscientious as you?”

‘‘I lost my favorite shirt,”

‘‘How come,” says Jaz, toying with the edge of the said shirt.

‘‘The grey-ish one with ARMY written on top. You haven’t seen it by miracle?” asks Adam.

‘‘Sorry, no.” She says, cheeks flaming up. ‘‘I have no clue where it is,” She shouldn’t lie to him, but the shirt still smells like him and she is not about to let go of the last thread of comfort she has.

‘‘I’ll just buy another one,” he says and she can practically see him shrugging. ‘‘And I’ll buy some for Sara’s kids too,”

Jaz melts at that. The thought of Adam buying miniature Army shirts for his niece and nephews is just too much, and for a moment she imagines some kid with his eyes and her hair wearing that same shirt.

 

xxxxxx

 

Two days later, Jaz stands in her pajamas in front of the oven, heating a pan to make breakfast for Gracie who has a runny nose. She takes her temperature for the third time that morning, worried for the little girl who has become a fixture in her life. The doorbell rings and she turns off the heat, grabbing Gracie as she goes for the door. 

The toddler wraps her arms around Jaz’s neck, hiding her face in her chest. Jaz smoothes down her hair before kissing the top of her head; sick Gracie is even more of an attention hog than usual. Jaz opens the door, balancing Preach’s youngest on her hip. She stops short, barely believing what she sees.

‘‘Adam?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up... Well you know what's next up. Adam's in tha house :p
> 
> Follow me on twitter and tumblr at SydBond


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘‘How come your eggs aren’t runny here?’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Logictron for being the best beta!

The sight of her has him rooted to the spot. Jaz is barefoot and braless, literally engulfed in his army t-shirt. The same one he complained about losing a few nights ago. The one she swore she hadn’t seen.

Then it comes, that breathless Adam.

He will never get tired of his name on her lips.

She has Gracie propped on her hip and the little girl squeals loudly. Her voice is surprisingly powerful for somebody so small. 

‘‘Uncle Adam!” she exclaims as she wiggles energetically in Jaz’s arms.

‘‘Hey Gracie girl,’’ he says, reaching for the toddler and sweeping her up in his arms. Adam kisses her cheek and he is rewarded with a fierce hug.

‘‘Jazzy was making breakfast, do you want some?’’

‘‘If she wants.’’

‘‘Don’t be stupid.’’ Jaz rolls her eyes.

He lugs his duffel onto the entryway bench and she silently pads to the kitchen, turning the heat on.

‘‘How come your eggs aren’t runny here?’’ he asks once they’re sitting at the table in front of full plates. It’s an odd thing to see Jaz sitting on a chair, it’s an even odder thing to see her cooking something to perfection.

‘‘Aline gave me a few pointers,’’ answers Jaz, glancing at Gracie who left them to play with her stuffed animals as soon as she was done with breakfast. 

‘‘She probably didn’t want you to poison her kids,’’ He dodges her slap with a smirk on his face.

Casting a worried look in Gracie’s direction, Jaz turns back to Adam. It feels good to see him. Maybe a bit too good. ‘‘Gracie is really excited to see you , you know. She’s been grumpy the whole morning,’’

‘‘What can I say? I am very charming.’’ He winks at her.

Jaz let herself laugh at that before sobering. ‘‘Why are you here?’’ she asks.

‘‘You act like I didn’t tell you I was coming to Preach’s,’’ Adam avoids answering.

‘‘You weren’t supposed to arrive for another week,’’ she replies.

He studies her. Her face is expressionless, her eyes bigger than he remembered. ‘‘I see you found my shirt,’’ he says after a few moments. It doesn’t escape her that he’s not answering her question.

‘‘I found it in Preach’s things,’’ she lies without a hitch.

‘‘Mmh,’’ nods Adam but he doesn’t believe her because she tucks her chin down an inch and pushes stray hair behind her ear. Jaz probably doesn’t realize it, but it’s a tell-tale sign that she’s lying. He’s seen her do it enough times, trying to pin cleaning duty on McG.

Under the table, his foot nudges hers and she bites back a smile. A flush creeps up her neck and she concentrates on eating what’s left of her breakfast. Adam’s eyes remain glued on her. 

 

xxxxx

 

Eva and Leah are just as overjoyed as Gracie to see their uncle Adam. They talk over each other, trying to gain his attention and he sees Jaz smiling as she checks on the cookies baking in the oven.

Preach and his wife are still at his PT appointment when the girls come back from school. From what he gathered during their nightly phone calls, it’s not the first time Jaz is left in charge of the girls. Looking at her running the kitchen like a pro, he realizes she has grown comfortable with her new role.

The oven beeps and Jaz puts a few cookies on a plate, setting it down in front of Eva and Leah who are sitting at the kitchen table, thoroughly briefing Top on the entirety of their day at school. He catches her watching them with amusement as he nods and gives them short exclamative answers, encouraging their enthusiastic chatter.

‘‘Girls, you take your snack and then its homework time,’’ she says sternly and Adam nods with a straight face because he knows those little devils will try to get away with everything if they’re not watchful.

‘‘I need to thank Aline for finally teaching you how to cook properly,’’ he later says as he leans against the counter, watching her putting a meal in the oven. Gracie is coloring at the table, her big sisters engulfed in their homework.

She changed as soon as they finished breakfast and he finds it odd to see Jaz dressed like this. It’s nothing but jeans shorts and a white T-shirt, but it’s so different from everything he has seen her wear on the base and during missions.

Jaz looks... happy. Fussing over Preach’s daughters, cooking for them and helping them with their schoolwork. Adam knew bits and pieces of it, but seeing it, living it; it feels different than he would expect.

It tugs at some strings inside of him he only suspected existed. That picket fence doesn’t look so bad after all.

 

xxxxx

 

That night Jaz definitely can’t sleep. She thinks of Adam, sleeping in the room next to hers and she tosses and turns. It would be so easy to go knock on his door.  
But then what?

They can’t go back to what they did in Turkey. Preach is safe, Patricia is healthy and they have no reason to share a room. There are no more excuses.

Her phone lights up the room as she gets an incoming text.

A-You up?

Jaz stares at the screen for a few seconds. She can’t hear anything on his side of the wall.

J-Yep

She waits, half-expecting a knock to come on her door.

A-Can’t sleep either?

J-I don’t know why

A-Want to come over? I have a deck of cards :p

Jaz exhales loudly. What else can she do? Top is giving them the perfect excuse to spend some time together even when they technically have no reason to do it.

She swings her legs off of the bed, bare feet landing on the carpet with a small thud. Softly, she goes into the hall. Preach’s room, along with his daughters’, is upstairs, but it doesn’t stop her from thoroughly scanning the empty hallway before knocking on Adam’s door.

He answers, shirtless, the dim light casting a halo around him. Jaz stalls for a second, reminding herself to breathe. In and out. Slowly.

‘‘Hey,’’ she says in a low voice, trying her best to keep her eyes on his face. He turns his back to hers, heading for the bed and she stares at the muscles of his back, gulping.  
This seems like the easiest way to burn herself.

They end up on his bed, playing cards until the points jumble up in their heads. The next thing she knows, they’re lying down, side by side, feet tangled up once more. Adam’s eyes close first and Jaz stays there for some time, taking him in.

She knows every inch of his face by heart. How his lower lip is fuller than the top one. The scar over his eyebrow that’s growing fainter by the year. The different shades of blue in his eyes. 

She takes it all in, reveling in the feeling of safety and warmth and home. The slight dimple in his left cheek that’s hidden by his beard is still there and she brushes over it with her index finger. 

For some reason, that dimple calms her instantly. She’s probably the only one in the team who knows it exists, and she tucks that feeling deep within herself, snuggling up to Adam. He’s already out like a light and she can always pretend they moved like this in their sleep tomorrow. Jaz closes her eyes, inhaling deeply. A few minutes later, just as she’s about fall asleep, she feels Adam’s arm wrap around her, tugging her closer.

Tonight, Jaz doesn’t need the army shirt.

 

xxxxx

 

It turns out Gracie’s runny nose isn’t just some day-long cold. She’s burning up come the next morning and Jaz spends an abnormal amount of time trying to get her to eat breakfast.

Adam appears behind her, sleepy eyed and tousled hair and she gives him a smile before turning her worried gaze back to the toddler. Putting a hand to Gracie’s forehead, she lets out a sigh.

‘‘What’s wrong?’’ asks Adam and his sleep-roughened voice makes her tingle in places that shouldn’t tingle when she’s taking care of a sick child.

‘‘She’s sick,’’ mumbles Jaz, taking Gracie in her arms. The little girl resumes yesterday’s position, face buried in Jaz’s chest as she whines. ‘‘Do you think you could take care of her while I run to the drug store?’’

‘‘Sure,’’ Adam takes Gracie from her arms and Jaz gathers her keys and purse, heart beating faster than she would like it to. She turns around to face Adam. He’s whispering something in Gracie’s ear, smiling down at her and for a moment, she’s transported back to this morning.

Jaz woke up to Adam’s chest, blissfully happy and warm, the first time in god knows how long. One glance at the clock told her Preach’s family would be up in no time, so she stayed for a minute, sinking into Adam’s embrace for a few more seconds, trying to memorize this particular feeling before facing down another day.

‘‘I’ll be back,’’ calls Jaz before disappearing through the door.

 

xxxxx

 

A few hours later, Gracie, pumped up on medicine, finally falls asleep. Jaz tucks her in and climbs down the stairs, heading to the kitchen for a glass of water. She stays leaning against the counter, taking deep breaths. Seeing Gracie sick tugs at her heartstrings more than she would have thought possible. This is the problem with kids. You end up loving them so much that they become your whole world. It scares her, the fact that she’s capable of such love.

‘‘Jaz?”

She turns around, slowly. Adam sees how confused she is because he’s Adam and they’ve always been able to talk without saying the words. ‘‘You did good. She’s good,’’ he says.  
She nods unconvinced because this isn’t like in the field, where she knows her job is done when she takes down the bad guy. This is different. It’s dealing with a tiny person, trying to do everything she can to make sure she’s not feeling any pain.

Adam wraps his arms around her. She realizes she’s trembling as he hugs her tighter. One of his hands traces soothing circles over her back and she lets herself lean into his embrace, drawing comfort from the heat of his body.

Jaz knows she’s screwed. Completely and utterly screwed. Because Adam is the only thing that keeps her sane these days. That bed in the hotel room was her saving grace and the scent of his laundry detergent clinging to his shirt is the only thing that can soothe her to sleep. She needs him more than she’s ever needed anything and it scares her.

Jaz has grown up in an unstable environment where nobody could be trusted. There were no pillars of normalcy, no stability. Teachers turned a blind eye to the bruises she showed up in class with and no matter how many trips to the hospital she took, they always sent her back home. That place that felt like anything but one. It was an apartment; walls and steel frame and cheap plaster. Not a single thing in that place was a home.

There, standing in Preach’s kitchen in California, wrapped into Adam’s scent, his strong arms supporting her, she finally gets it. What a home is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be out next week! Have a nice one guys!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘‘You’re going to hell, you know that?’’  
> ‘‘I’m bringing you with me,’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks to logictron for reading, probing and beta-ing my story.
> 
> Here is the thing you might have been waiting for :)

Preach is getting better by the day. He is now able to lightly jog, under the heavy supervision of his physical therapist. Aline spends her day carpooling him everywhere and it becomes obvious that they need some time to themselves. Adam finally manages to convince them to take a weekend together, insisting that he and Jaz are very capable of taking care of the girls for a few days.

‘‘I’m sure you and Jaz are able to do this,’’ says Preach with an amused smile. ‘‘You two would make great parents.’’

‘‘Preach,’’ he warns.

‘‘Don’t think I haven’t noticed how easy it is between the two of you.’’

‘‘It’s always been easy between the two of us.’’

‘‘At least you admit it.’’

Adam lets out a sigh, looking anywhere but at Preach. Of course he has noticed that his relationship with Jaz is different than with the guys. He doesn’t want to fuck the other guys for starters. 

But it’s bigger than lust, he’s come to realize. It’s that complicity that makes them such great partners, the way they can communicate without words. They have a lot in common, history wise, and somehow this made them grow a lot closer to each other than to the rest of the team.

‘‘And I’ve also noticed that Jaz finally sleeps. But it’s not in her bed.’’

Jaz has been sleeping in his bed every night. They don’t really talk about it; one or the other usually simply says something about being tired and they slip into bed. Jaz stays on her back for a few minutes, as if trying to will herself to fall asleep, but she always ends up turning to him.

Adam loves that moment when her cold nose ends up in the crook of his neck. It’s then that she really melts into him and lets Adam pull her close. She always falls asleep shortly after, as if she couldn’t do it when they weren’t touching.

He’s unsure why Jaz suddenly has so much trouble sleeping, but he’ll take any excuse to get close to her. So, every night, he waits until she’s asleep to really look at her. He’s spent hours staring at her face, memorizing every single freckle, holding onto every single second he gets to be next to her because he’s just too afraid to do something that could send her running away.

‘‘Go with Aline,’’ says Adam, voice firm. He blatantly ignores Preach’s knowing looks.

 

xxxxx

 

Jaz has no idea how Adam managed to convince Preach and his wife to get away for the weekend, but the next thing she knows, they’re the only adults left in the big house.  
Saturday morning, he loads them up in the SUV and drives to the nearby boardwalk. Preach’s house is on the beach, but boardwalks are always a good idea with kids.  
There’s candy and funnel cakes and music and the girls have a good time. Leah drags Jaz to the shooting range game so she can win her the big tiger. It’s almost cheating, but Jaz manages to win the huge stuffed animal on her first try.

‘‘Looks like your aim got a little sloppy,’’ jokes Adam as he comes back from the SUV where he stashed the tiger.

Jaz almost flicks him before remembering the kids are staring at them. It feels oddly grown-up, bringing three little girls to the beach on a Saturday morning.

‘‘Can we go swim?’’ asks Eva and Leah starts making pleading noises.

Jaz turns to Adam and he nods to the girls who smile with glee. It feels domestic as hell and Jaz finds that she kind of likes it.

So she ends up on beach towel, helping Gracie with her sand castle or whatever it is supposed to be while Top runs after Eva and Leah. She can hear them shouting as Adam grabs Leah and tosses her over his shoulder. Jaz’s eyes follow them and their bright smiles, having the time of their lives.

And at that moment she knows it. Whatever she does, whoever she meets, nothing in this world will ever compare to Adam Dalton.

 

xxxxx

 

That night the temperature gets low enough for them to open the glass doors, a rare occurrence this time of the year in San Diego. The girls have long gone to sleep and Jaz sits on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest. She closes her eyes, still able to feel the soft push and pull of the waves on her skin.

Today was a good day. One that she won’t forget. She tucks each memory carefully inside of her; little Gracie’s huge smile when she completely destroyed the castle they had been working on for the past hour, the sun on her skin without the constant threat of a possible call on the sat phone, Adam, running around shirtless, making her wish they were doing this all year long.

Adam sits by her, stretching his arm over the back of the couch.

‘‘Come here,’’ he says, and Jaz scoots down so she’s curled against him.

His arm falls down around her and she lets out a sigh of contentment. Somehow they end up cuddling, simply enjoying the silence around them.

‘‘Does it get any better than this?’’ she asks before she realizes what she just said. Jaz casts a worried glance in Adam’s direction and he chuckles.

‘‘No, no it doesn’t,’’ he replies. She feels his arm tightening around her and she lets her head fall further into his chest.

They stay there for a long time, completely losing track of time until Jaz hears the sound of little feet coming their way. Eva appears in front of them in her pink pajamas, clutching her stuffed unicorn.

‘‘I’m thirsty,’’ she says and Jaz blinks tiredly. Next to her, Adam is already asleep. He doesn’t wake up when she frees herself from his grip, following Eva back to the kitchen. In the darkness, Jaz grabs a plastic cup from the upper cabinet, half-filling it with water.

‘‘Drink this and then it’s bedtime,’’ says Jaz as she hands the cup to Eva. She gulps it down and sets it back in the sink.

‘‘Can you come tuck me in?’’ she asks.

‘‘Sure,’’ nods Jaz, following the little girl up the stairs.

Unlike her sisters, Eva doesn’t have a pink room. Instead, hers is a cheerful yellow, decorated with soccer balls and jerseys. Jaz draws the comforter up to Eva’s chin, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

‘‘Goodnight E.’’

‘‘Night Jazzy,’’ mumbles Eva in a sleepy voice.

When she gets back downstairs, Jaz finds that Adam is awake. He’s sitting in the dark, watching the news turned on mute. His face is illuminated with shades of blue and red and he smiles at her.

‘‘Everything good?’’ He croaks.

‘‘Eva was thirsty. She’s asleep now.’’ She settles back onto the couch, not so close to him. Adam grabs her hand and tucks her under his arm.

‘‘You know, I keep thinking that Preach might have been right all along,’’ he says. His fingers trace loops on the skin of her arm and she does her best not to shiver. Suddenly Jaz doesn’t feel as tired. Adam’s touch makes her feel… alive. She wonders if he knows what he’s doing to her. If her touch does the same thing to him.

‘‘Preach says a lot of things,’’

‘‘But this he got right, I think,’’ says Adam. Jaz turns her eyes to his. They’re as close as they were in the hotel room in DC, right before McG burst in. He was about to kiss her then, but through the weeks Jaz has managed to convince herself that the kiss would’ve only been about comfort. ‘‘The home, the wife, the kids-‘’

Jaz audibly swallows. ‘‘ There’s something about not being alone,’’ she whispers.

‘‘It’s about willingly sharing your entire life with someone special,’’ Adam’s voice is soft and his fingers go for her cheek, cupping it.

Their eyes stay glued together. Jaz’s heart beats furiously in her chest, which is odd since she’s not breathing. She waits on Adam to make the next move. He seems to find what he wants in her eyes because he bends down to kiss her.

Jaz shuts her eyes, willing herself to memorize every single thing; the way his lips brush against hers, soft and trembling, as if afraid she’ll bolt, the slight tremor in his throat as she kisses him more forcefully, the way his muscles contract as his arms snake around her waist.

Arousal roars from deep within herself and Jaz moans when his hand goes to cup her breast. It reminds her of her dream where they were fooling around on the pool table.  
Adam resurfaces when she moans, visibly pained by having to pull away. ‘‘Jaz,’’ he whispers, fingers still on her cheek.

‘‘I know,’’ she says before slamming his lips back to hers. They both know this is not the time, nor place to be doing this. Not when they have three little girls upstairs who could wake up any second.

Still, Jaz pulls him down with her so his body stretches over hers, anchoring both of them to the couch. She can feel just how much he wants her and it spurs her own want. Hands traveling down his back, she smirks as he shudders against her, shaking with need.

‘‘I want you,’’ he whispers in her ear. ‘‘So much,’’

His hot breath makes her shiver and her hips come up, slamming against his hard cock. Adam lets out another low groan. He palms her breast through her cotton shirt and she arches into his touch, mind hazy with lust.

Adam’s fingers slip under her shirt, kissing the exposed skin, and for a moment Jaz thinks they can probably get away with having sex on Preach’s couch. But then the sound of the television comes blasting on and they both get back up, frantically searching for the remote.

He finds it jammed between two cushions and quickly turns it off. 

‘‘Fuck,’’ says Adam in a low voice. By the furious rise and fall of his chest, Jaz knows he’s just as out of breath as she is. The reality of what they were doing comes crashing down on her. She’d been about to get naked right there in the middle of the living room, no caring one second for the Carter girls.

Jaz’s head falls back on the couch and she lets out a sigh.

‘‘Jaz?’’ asks Adam and she turns her head to his, finding him staring at her with worry. ‘‘Are you good?’’

‘‘Yeah,’’ nods Jaz before cracking a smile. “But we can’t do that here.’’

‘‘I know. Got a little carried away there.’’

‘‘I’m not complaining,’’ says Jaz. She gets on her knees and straddles him, pressing her hips to his as she kisses him once again.

‘‘Jaz,’’ warns Adam. His hands grip her hips tight before pushing her away. ‘‘God, you can’t keep doing that.’’

‘‘What?’’ she asks, a devilish smile on her face.

‘‘You’re going to hell, you know that?’’

‘‘I’m bringing you with me,’’ she says, slamming her hips back to his.

‘‘Ok, ok,’’ warns Adam. He grabs her by the waist and lifts her up so she’s on her feet. ‘‘I will not be the reason Preach’s daughters learn about sex before they learn about Santa.’’  
Jaz laughs at that and they head for his bed. There, with the door closed, she kisses him once again and he rubs her off through her pajamas. It’s not enough, and it barely takes away the edge of want, but it’s the best they can do for now.

 

xxxxx

 

‘‘Are you and Jaz going to get married?’’ 

Adam is washing dishes when Eva asks the question. The girl is nine years old, an age Adam deems too young to be asking these things. She stares at him with apprehensive eyes, perched on the top of the counter as she wipes the dishes dry. Eva seems to have taken a liking to sitting on things that aren’t chairs, and Adam thinks he knows why. 

Preach had told him his girls had fallen in love with Jaz, but there’s no denying the oldest is in admiration. Adam sees his niece Isabelle in the little girl: fierce, focused and fearless. 

 

She keeps holding his gaze with a don’t-shit-me look that’s so Jaz-like, Adam stops washing the dishes for a moment. ‘‘Why do you ask?’’

‘‘Because you two love each other,’’ replies Eva, bobbing her head convincingly. ‘‘And Daddy said people who love each other get married,’’ She tilts her head from her spot on the counter and Adam smirks. Preach will have quite something on his hands in a few years. 

‘‘You think we love each other?’’ 

‘‘Duh, you were cuddling last night,’’ 

It’s the way Eva says it, unequivocally, that does it. 

Suddenly, with startling clarity, Adam can see just how much his feelings for Jaz have escalated in the past months. Since Elijah died, really. Maybe even before that. 

Who is he kidding? Attraction had always been part of the plot, but affection had crept up on him more sneakily than he’d expected.

Does he love Jaz? Yes. Absolutely. There’s no doubt about that. Can he love Jaz? That’s another story. There are pages and pages of rules about what they can’t do and falling in love is pretty much a no go. It’s an odd thing, how their emotions are regulated by some people who do nothing but write bland regulations all day long. As if those people had any idea of what they’re living. Do they even know that the best teams are the ones that have the deepest bonds? 

‘‘Can you keep a secret?’’ he asks Eva. The girl shoots him a smug smile, eyes twinkling. 

‘‘Yup,’’ she says. 

‘‘I think I will marry her one day,’’

Eva’s face splits into a grin at that. She squeals loudly. A bit too loud because Jaz appears with a full basket of fresh laundry. ‘‘Keep your voice down, Eva. You don’t want to wake Gracie,’’  
But Eva is still grinning madly and she hops off the counter. 

‘‘I thought you were helping me,’’ says Adam as the tiny girl speeds to the glass doors leading to the backyard. 

‘‘Gotta go practice my soccer,’’ calls Eva over her shoulders. 

Adam shakes his head before turning to Jaz who is engrossed with her cellphone, a faint smile on her lips. 

He can still feel her shuddering with pleasure under him, hours after she actually did. Adam wants nothing more than to kiss her, to touch her, to rub her off once again. But what he really wants is to have her naked in some place where it’s just the two of them. To be inside of her, to feel every single ripple of pleasure and to have her scream his name. 

Because he’s sure she’s a screamer. The Jaz he knows does everything with abandon, and sex with her must be passionate and all-consuming. She’s a spitfire, his spitfire. And he can’t wait to have her alone. 

‘‘What’s new?’’ asks Adam, chin jutting towards the phone Jaz is furiously typing into. 

‘‘McG,’’ she replies, her eyes still glued to the screen. ‘‘Who apparently can’t take a hint,’’  
He raises an eyebrow at that. ‘‘What’s happening?’’ 

‘‘I think Hannah might be more into Amir than him, and he’s obviously not catching that,’’ she replies before Adam takes her phone from her hands and sets it down on the table. ‘‘Hey-’’ Jaz protests, but she stops when he wraps his arms around her waist. 

‘‘Enough about McG,’’ his voice comes out more of a growl than it should and she pinches her lips in amusement. 

‘‘Or what?’’ she’s playful as her hands hook themselves behind his neck.

Adam slams his lips on hers. He takes a certain pride in the way her whole body automatically melts into his. Her tongue pushes her way inside his mouth and it’s all he can do not to tear apart her shirt. 

If he had worries about the day after awkwardness, they’re obviously gone. 

Jaz is the one who breaks their kiss, leaning her forehead against his as her shaky breaths fawn over his face. ‘‘Adam,’’ she whispers. Her pupils are dilated, her fingers tightly coiled around wisps of his hair and he can see her fighting arousal. 

‘‘I can’t wait to have you alone,’’ he says. He watches as the flush on her neck turns a darker shade of pink. 

‘‘Me neither,’’ she whispers, swallowing hard. 

 

xxxxx

 

Jaz pushes her empty cart through another alley at the grocery store. It takes her several minutes to realize that she has been wandering aimlessly through the store without actually putting anything in her cart. Her mind has been too preoccupied with Adam to let her concentrate on the task at hand: feeding the Carter family. 

Preach and his wife are coming back from their week-end trip to LA tonight, and she intends to cook them something good. Maybe even bake a cake. Jaz looks down the aisle, exasperated by the sheer number of choices. Who knew there was eight different types of chocolate chips? She suddenly longs for Turkey and its commissary. 

Jaz sighs as she starts to pile in sugar and flour and chocolate into her cart. Even there, in the middle of the grocery store, she can still feel it, that wanting. She knows Adam wants her, there’s no doubt about that. His words are engraved in the back of her mind. How he told her she had no idea how much he’d missed her. 

But does he want her like she wants him? Not just in a physical way, but in a soul wrenching way. Does he need her like she does? Because she can’t risk losing him. He’s more than someone she lusts after- he’s her friend, her CO, the one person she can count on no matter what. 

He’s the one person she’s always felt like she could tell anything to. Ironically he’s also the one person she’s too afraid to say I love you to. 

Love. What a peculiar thing. It sneaks up on you, makes want turn into need in the blink of an eye. Jaz already knew she loved Adam back in Turkey, but the last few weeks have just cemented that awareness. 

He plays with the little girls with such ease and didn’t hesitate for a second to selflessly give some of his precious family time to help Preach. Jaz is pretty sure he came a week in advance because she needed him. Her heart constricts at the thought. She wants that sort of life. With Adam. 

She wants to have a cute little house in the country with a couple of kids running around. More than she ever did, she wants to come home to this quotidian life, this perfect little bubble of ordinary living. She wants to fall asleep next to Adam every night, to have him whisper sweet nothings into her ear. 

The familiar notes of “Too Sexy for my Cat” erupt from her phone, McG’s face on display on the screen. She rolls her eyes and picks up the call. 

‘‘How do I get that stupid song out of my phone?’’ It’s not the best greeting, but she has been trying to get rid of the song for months now. 

‘‘You still haven’t figured it out?’’ asks Joseph from his side of the line. She can practically hear him smirk. 

‘‘How come it only happens with your number?’’ asks Jaz. ‘‘I’m able to change the personal ringtones for every contact on my list but you,’’ 

‘‘That’s very strange,’’ he replies, sounding amused. ‘‘Do you still have a shirtless picture of me?’’ 

‘‘That, I managed to change,’’ she mumbles, rolling her eyes. Jaz pushes her cart down the lane, filling it with fruits. ‘‘So what do you want?’’

‘‘I’m hurt, Jazzy. Why would you assume I would want something? Maybe I just miss you,’’

‘‘Because you always have an ulterior motive,’’ Jaz rolls her eyes as she tests the ripeness of the kiwis on displays. She scrunches her nose in disgust as an overly-ripe one spills juice everywhere. 

Jaz expects McG to start blabbering about Hannah because he still hasn’t gotten it through his thick skull that she wants nothing to do with him. 

‘‘So what’s happening with you and Top?’’ 

She chokes on her breath at that. Out of all the things she expected McG to say, this is on the bottom of the list. Jaz honestly doesn’t know what the answer is. They’ve been falling asleep together ever since he came to California, quickly going back to their old habits from the hotel room.  
And then that kiss from the night before that had almost turned into sex, his hushed _I want you _that made her tingle. She knows there is something going on, but she doesn’t know what  
‘‘You talked to Preach,’’ she replies instead of answering his question. __

__‘‘No I didn’t. Just gleaned enough information from the sidelines to know there is something going on. So spill-’’_ _

__Jaz grabs a bag of baby carrots, resisting the urge to let out a child-like whine. This feels like a pajama party and she’s not so comfortable with the concept. The closest she’s ever been to one of those is with McG, whenever they slip into each other’s bed after haunting missions. But this is entirely different; it’s not about work. ‘‘I don’t know,’’ she admits._ _

__‘‘Preach said you two were back to sleeping in the same bed.,’’  
Jaz catches his slip-up. ‘‘So you did talk to Preach.,’’ She can hear him letting out a frustrated huff in her ear. _ _

__‘‘What’s happening Jaz?’’_ _

__‘‘I don’t know, we’re closer. He helps me with my sleeping and the girls,’’ she goes through the list of the things Adam helps with, feeling increasingly redder as she checks off the points. ‘‘We kissed.,’’_ _

__It makes it more real, admitting it out loud._ _

__‘‘You did, huh? When was that?’’ McG sounds way too happy. Jaz finds herself spilling her guts to him, simply because it feels good to have an outside view._ _

__‘‘Last night.’’ She doesn’t tell him about the one they shared before she left for the grocery store. That one seems too personal, too sweet._ _

__‘‘And then he took you to bed?’’_ _

__Jaz rolls her eyes because it’s so typically McG to jump to conclusions. Then again, she was about to roll around naked with him in the middle of Preach’s living room._ _

__‘‘No,’’ she says and she can already feel McG being on the verge of launching into some whole big speech about the virtues of sex and how she should just sleep with Top. ‘‘I mean, I’m not sure where this would have gone. We accidently turned on the TV and then we realized where we were.’’_ _

__‘‘And then?’’ presses McG._ _

__Her cheeks turn a violent shade of red. She thinks of the way Adam kissed her last night, touching her whole body. Her thighs squeeze together, still feeling the sensation of Top making her come with his fingers over her pajamas._ _

__‘‘And then we did some stuff- none of which I will disclose to you,’’ she warns, cutting McG’s next question._ _

__‘‘So he still hasn’t seen you naked?’’_ _

__‘‘No. It’s in the near future… I think. But-’’ she stops because she doesn’t know how to say what she wants to say._ _

__‘‘But what Jaz?’’ presses McG._ _

__Her chest feels tighter as she tries to breathe. Having sex is easy. It’s building a life that isn’t. ‘‘I don’t know what he wants,’’ she says, trying not to sound too vulnerable._ _

__Jaz has always prided herself in her ability to handle guys with confidence. She doesn’t beat around the bush and knows exactly what she wants. If they don’t fit her criteria, it’s too bad for them. This time, she finds herself in an unknown territory. Because none of those guys were about love. They were about sex and a good time._ _

__She’s already scared as hell of her feelings, but she finds herself even more scared that Adam won’t return them._ _

__‘I want more,’’ her voice is strangled and she glances around herself, making sure she’s alone in the alley. It’s ridiculous, but she doesn’t want strangers hearing her spill her innermost thoughts._ _

__‘‘Jaz-’’_ _

__She massages her temples, trying to take back the control over her mind. ‘‘Forget it,’’she says._ _

__Joseph doesn’t speak for a moment. Jaz wonders if he’s trying to let her down easy. ‘‘Remember what I said about the Jazzy eyes?’’_ _

__It’s not what she expected, but it’s better than him rebuffing her feelings. ‘‘That doesn’t mean he loves me.,’’_ _

__‘‘I’m pretty sure it does.’’_ _

__She can’t help it, that hope that blooms in her chest. _You really think so? _is what she wants to ask, but it would seem too eager, too desperate. And Jaz might be both of these things, but she’s not ready to put it on display.___ _

____‘‘For what it’s worth, I really did miss you,’’ says McG and Jaz suddenly decides to keep the ridiculous song on her phone._ _ _ _

____She smiles into the receiver. ‘‘Me too, Joe.’’_ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: feels x 1000 (and a little bit of angst)
> 
> Comments are the way to my heart! 
> 
> You can find my on twitter (bond_syd) or tumblr (sydbond)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaz stares helplessly as Adam still refuses her hand, looking like she just betrayed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you... this is all angst

« Here, » says Jaz as she hands Preach a plate of carrot cake.

The icing is thick and cheesy, just as he likes it. He gratefully picks it and pats down the spot next to him on the patio stairs. 

Jaz sits next to him, her knees bumping with his. She relishes the contact, conscient they almost didn’t get to have this moment. 

«Looks like Amir’ll have some competition when we come back to Turkey, » hums Preach as he licks the frosting off his fork. 

Jaz’s cheeks color at that. « I wouldn’t say I’m up to Amir’s level, » 

« Humble doesn’t look good on you, » replies Preach and both of them laugh softly before turning their attention back to the kids. 

The sun is setting down, casting a myriad of colors over the ocean they can see from Preach’s backyard. In front of them, Leah and Eva run around, barefoot, passing a soccer ball back and forth while Adam pretends to get outsmarted by the little girls. They burst into fits of laughter every few minutes, screaming those children screams that make you think life can be simple and wonderful.

Preach follows Jaz’s gaze and gives her a knowing look. She rolls her eyes at him, but the can’t stop the content smile from growing on her face. 

« You two had fun playing house all weekend? » he asks, scraping the last of his cake from the plate with the side of his fork. 

« Yeah, » Jaz breathes out. « More than I thought I would, » 

At this moment, she knows Preach sees right through her. He knows she’s not talking about Adam, but rather her and Adam. how they got to be a whole, some separate entity made out of the two of them whose sole purpose was to love the girls. It’s a long way from her lustful thoughts and it scares her less and less. 

« They creep up on you, ain’t that right? »

Jaz looks on as Adam swings Eva over his shoulder, taking her hostage through Leah’s playful protests. « They sure do, » 

« I told him he wouldn’t stand a chance against those doe’s eyes » chuckles Preach and Jaz tears her eyes away from the scene. 

« Adam’s a total pushover, » Jaz admits. 

Preach laughs a laugh that rolls from deep within. She realizes -too late- that she called him Adam, and she’s grateful that Preach doesn’t call her out on it. 

«Eva told me she saw you two cuddling last night, » His tone seems inconspicuous, but Jaz knows he’s fishing for information. 

They cuddled. Then they almost had sex and then he made her come through her pajamas. But there’s been no spoken feelings, no shared hopes, nothing. This is a strange situation to be in and Jaz isn’t really sure where she stands in it. She inhales deeply. « I don’t know what that meant, » 

« Remember what I said about connections that shouldn’t be ignored? » Preach asks, referring to their time in Seville.

« I thought you were only trying to see if I agreed with you, » she counteracts immediately. Jaz can’t help it, she possessively defends every one of her interactions with Adam, hell bent on keeping them safely tucked inside of herself where she can revisit them.

Preach smiles at her outburst. « Jazzy, you two really are quite something you know? » 

Jaz doesn’t answer. She slides her chin behind her knees and keeps on watching the girls with Adam. 

I want you is a start, but it’s not exactly a declaration. So he wants her body, she wants his too. But there’s a world of difference between roaming eyes and digging through someone’s soul.

Time comes for the girls bedtime and Preach leaves the two of them alone in the dark. Adam comes to sit by her and Jaz lets her head fall on his shoulder. There’s nothing but the sound of the waves and the salt that weighs down the air.  
Adam wraps an arm around her waist to tug her closer and she leans into his embrace. 

« Your cake was good, » he says and she raises her eyes to his. 

Out of all the things she’d thought he’d say to her, this is not one of them. 

« Thanks, » she whispers. Her fingers are resting inches from his right leg and she itches to touch it. They’ve kissed and hugged and touched each other, but she’s still lost as to where they are.  
He must sense her inner turmoil because his arm tightens its hold on her. Jaz lets her fingers fall on his thigh, waiting for any indication that her touch isn’t welcome. Instead, Adam puts his forehead against hers and her breath hitches. 

« You look real pretty tonight, » he says right before he kisses her. It’s a soft kiss, like those in the movies, where tongues lazily rub against each other’s and lips move slowly, as if there wasn’t a worry in the world. In many ways it reflects their life lately; easy and enjoyable.

Desire still roars deep inside of her, but it’s not her first thought when she resurfaces. Not with the eyes he’s making at her. Jaz’s fingers get lost in his beard, caressing it unhurriedly as he glances at her with wonder and something that looks a lot like hope. 

« Jaz- I- » Jaz looks at him with too big eyes as he struggles with his words. It’s an odd thing to see self-assured Adam stumbling over his thoughts. He huffs, launching himself « I’m really glad I came here early, » 

It’s not a declaration, but it’s still something. You’re real pretty tonight. I’m really glad I came here early. I can’t wait to have you alone. Jaz repeats the words in her head, replaying it until she knows every intonation by heart. This is what he’s willing to give her for the moment, and she knows it’s not enough, but she’ll take it.

 

xxxxx

 

Eva’s soccer team has a tournament at the park the next weekend. They fill a cooler with snacks, gather camping chairs and slater the kids in sunscreen. It’s a bright and sunny day and Jaz falls in step with Adam. They haven’t strayed far from each other for the past week, always sneaking kisses and bumping shoulders.

At night he holds her close and they make each other come, but she still hasn’t seen him naked. Jaz wonders why that is, why he just doesn’t jump on her. But he keeps on touching and rubbing her with his hands over her clothes, abnormally unhurried for someone who gives her such lustful looks. 

She’s not sure she likes where this is going, because he still hasn’t fucked her and he still hasn’t talked about what she means to him. Jaz keeps clinging to her bits and pieces of Adam. 

You’re real pretty tonight. I’m really glad I came here early. I can’t wait to have you alone.

Jaz hovers in that uncertain in between place, where they’re not lovers, but they’re not a couple. He keeps on telling her he wants her, but he never acts on it. Jaz isn’t sure which she dislikes the most.

They’re in the middle of watching Eva’s third game when Adam’s phone rings. He frowns at the screen for a second before he gets up. 

« I have to take this, » he says, absentmindedly patting Jaz’s shoulder. 

She watches him as he retreats to the wooded area of the park. He talks into the receiver, jaw clenching, clearly unhappy. Jaz waits until he closes the phone to join him. Adam is rubbing his beard, staring into space and Jaz suddenly wished they were alone so she could touch him, wrap her arms around him, run her fingers over his dimple. 

« What’s wrong? »

« I’ll have to come home soon, » Adam replies.  
Jaz feels a pang in her chest. She’s not sure if it’s because Adam needs to go or because of the way he said it. 

Home.

Something she doesn’t have. 

He grabs her hand and she stills for a moment. There are too many emotions in her head, fear of losing him, of never getting fucked by Adam, of never finding a home of hers. 

« I’m sorry, » Adam excuses himself, promptly dropping her hand. Jaz feels the lost of contact, harder than she would have thought. He’s back to studying her in that Adam way of his, but his eyes look sad.

« Don’t, » corrects Jaz before reaching back for his hand, interlocking their fingers together. Adam smiles down at their joined hands. He pulls her to him and kisses her with one of those deep kisses that make her wonder.

« Everything alright back there? » she asks as they break off the kiss. Her toes are slowly uncurling. 

« Molly’s having some guy trouble, and her fridge once again shut down, but of course she won’t tell me and I have to learn it from Sara, »

Jaz grips his hand tighter. She can see the reasons piling up, bringing Adam away from her. 

« Come with me, » he breathes out and Jaz stops thinking for a minute, wondering if she heard right.

Adam, asking her to come back home with him. She goes back to their nightly talks, with their soft laughs and tangled feet. In those moments she really can believe he loves her, but she isn’t sure he does, not really, because they keep stalling where they are. I want you’s and messy releases, heavy shudders and muffled breaths. It never goes beyond. 

« Adam- » starts Jaz. She has to remember why she came to SoCal; for Preach. « Preach, the girls, they’re counting on me, » 

« Preach is back to walking, they don’t need us anymore, » Adam’s voice is soft, his thumb tracing circles on her hand. His eyes find hers, increasingly more vulnerable. « He doesn’t need you, not like I need you, » 

Jaz’s breath hitches at that. There it is, what she’s been waiting for. 

« You need me? » Jaz asks in a small voice. Her gaze is full of hope as it turns on him.

« You gotta know it by now, » says Adam. He’s on the balls of his feet, shuffling uncomfortably. 

Somehow this lights a fuse inside of her. She turns mad; mad that he would just assume she’d know, mad that he says it like it’s the simplest thing and that -really- how come is she asking that question?

« No, »

Adam looks at her, surprised. « No, you don’t want to come? » 

« I’ll think about it, » replies Jaz even though there’s nothing to think about- of course she’ll follow him if he asks. She simply enjoys the feeling of finally holding something over him. There, now she isn’t the only one who knows something he should have known by then. 

« So it’s a no for? »

« As in no, I don't know that you need me, » Jaz is on a roll, the words coming out of her mouth at a rapid pace, outrunning her thoughts. « I know you desire me, I know you want me, but you’ve never said you needed me, » 

He takes a step back at that, letting go of her hand. Jaz automatically knows she’s hurt him. 

« Adam- » she tries, reaching out for him, but he recoils from her touch. It sends a pang at her, straight through her chest. 

« Is this what you really think of me? That all I want is - that I only want you for sex? » His questions rip the air between them and the cracks fill with tension. Jaz stares helplessly as Adam still refuses her hand, looking like she just betrayed him. 

« Adam, »

« Forget it, » 

Jaz stays rooted in her spot as he turns on his heels and leaves. Before she knows it, he’s gone and she stands alone in the middle of a parc. Eva is about to play so she goes back and pretends everything is fine. She doesn’t miss Preach and Aline’s exchange of worried looks.

 

Xxxxx

 

«Jaz, did you see my goal? » Eva asks excitedly, jumping up and down. Her jersey is streaked with grass and dirt, but she’s beaming, pink cheeked. 

« Good one, » encourages Jaz, smoothing down Eva’s hair. Gracie wraps her arms around her legs and Jaz bends down to pick her up. 

« I did just like Adam told me to, » rambles on Eva and Jaz flinches at the mention of her CO. Aline notices her expression and she quickly takes Gracie away from Jaz’s arms to plop her into Preach’s arms. 

« How about you girls go back home with Daddy, » Aline says and Preach nods, lifting the cooler. Jaz can see this is not improvised. « Jaz and I are going to take a walk, » 

Jaz knows exactly what’s going to happen but she still follows Aline without a word. Maybe it’s because, deep down, she knows she needs to talk about it. She’s fairly new at this relationship game, and she finds herself scared every time something new pops up. 

Aline drives them down to the ice cream parlor and they each buy a cone. Jaz orders a vanilla one dipped in chocolate and follows Aline to a secluded corner. They sit on a wooden bench that looks like it had better days. Jaz is startled to realize she looks a lot like that wooden bench right now. 

She’s drained and worried and frankly a little tired of this whole thing with Adam. Tired of trying to guess where this is going, tired of keeping her clothes on every night, tired of always worrying if she’s pushing too hard too fast.

« What happened, hun? » Aline turns compassionate eyes in Jaz’s direction. Mother’s eyes. And Jaz might have spent the last few weeks mothering the Carter girls, she suddenly longs for any kind of mothering for herself. 

A thousand words want to get out of her mouth, all at the same time. Her mind grows hazy with the possibilities, the variations, but most importantly, with the nagging feeling she has that she just screwed them over.

Jaz licks off some chocolate off her cone, eyes to the ground, until she finally managed to formulate what she feels represent best the situation. « He told me he needed me, »

Aline studies her in a way that’s so Preach, Jaz expects her to spurt out philosophic advice. Instead, the older woman sees right through her soul. « And you didn’t know it, » 

Mystified, Jaz nods. « He told me I had to know he needed me, but we never talked about what was between us, so I told him that I knew he wanted me physically, not that he needed me, » 

She finds herself feeling defeated and rejected and the only person she can talk to is Aline. Preach already thinks their names should be up there next to Romeo and Juliet, while McG would tell her to just get naked and fuck him senseless. 

Aline is the most impartial one because she hasn’t been there through everything. She can only see their interactions within the past weeks, the ones in which everything shifted for them. 

« And he took it badly. As if you implied he was only after you for sex, » 

Once again Jaz finds herself a little scared of Aline. Still she mumbles a small yes before turning her attention to her ice cream cone. « Which is crazy because we haven’t even had sex and I’m just going mad here, not knowing what’s happening between us, » 

« You two haven’t slept together? » Aline looks so mystified that Jaz suddenly wonders how much they show to others. 

« No, » 

« I’ve got to say I’m a little surprised. With the way the two of you look at each other I would have thought you’d have fallen in bed the first night he came here. But my guess is that Adam doesn’t want to hurt you, he doesn’t want you to think that he only sees this as a physical relationship. I think Adam wants to make sure you’re comfortable with everything, and that by not sleeping with you he managed to make you doubt everything to the point that it backfired on him. » Aline finishes off her cone, dabbing her mouth with the paper towel it was wrapped into. 

Jaz narrows her eyes. « What are you saying? »  
« I’m saying that Adam is just as afraid as you are, and that you two need to communicate before any of this goes into flames, » 

 

Xxxxx

 

Adam knows his reaction was a little too big. He didn’t give her the chance to explain, simply jumped to the worst conclusion and ran away. Deep within, he knows the only reason he did jump to this conclusion is because it’s one of his biggest fears. 

For years he’d had to deal with being her CO, finding the balance between protecting her and pushing her, all the while doing his best not to take her against the wall and fuck her. He hadn’t dared to make a move on her for fear that she might misunderstand his intentions and believe he was only chasing mindless sex. 

And yet, in that park, she’d spoken words that pretty much confirmed his fears. Jaz didn’t know he needed her, only that he wanted her. It felt worse than he’d thought, hearing it from her mouth. 

Passing a hand over his beard, he lets out a sigh. He should have stayed next to her, should have talked to her. He knows how easily she scares, how quick she is to block everyone out. Instead he ran away because it felt too hard, listening to Jaz telling him she thought he only wanted her for her body.

Adam paces around her room, waiting for her. Preach came back with the kids, and he had to make up some story to Eva about having to call family and missing part of her final match. She told him all about her winning goal, beaming wide as she reenacted the way she kicked _just like you taught me _.__

__He already knows what he’ll do; tell her how he’s sorry he acted this way. How he didn’t mean to make her think he only wanted her for sex, and that her saying she didn’t know he needed her was like his worst fear materializing. He never wanted to be his father, using people for his own advantage without caring for them._ _

__Jaz’s footsteps come down the hall and he braces himself for the argument he knows is about to happen. But she keeps on going, bypassing her room and he hears her entering his own._ _

__« Adam? » she calls, her voice muffled through the wall. He gets up from her bed, on his way to meet her when she bursts through the room._ _

__They hold each other’s gaze, timelessly appraising the other. It’s Jaz who finally breaks the silence as she closes the door behind her. « For a moment, I thought you were gone, » her voice isn’t as strong as it usually is._ _

__He can see the vulnerability in her eyes, in the way she holds herself, not so straight. It hurts him to see he’s the one doing this to her, and for the hundredth time since she found him crying in that hotel room in Turkey, he wonders if he should really pursue this relationship. The image of his father looms over him and he keeps finding himself afraid he’ll turn into him. He doesn’t know the kind of father, or even the kind of husband he can be. But he’s willing to try for Jaz, because he knows she’s special._ _

__This job doesn’t really provides a safe place to develop a relationship and Adam quickly sworn himself off of them. He’d tried meaningless sex, random dates, even a steady girlfriend, but none of them had been conclusive. Never one of those woman had ever made him want to pursue the relationship, to push further and to devote some of his time and energy to it; not until Jaz._ _

__Adam reaches for Jaz, his only thought being that he needs to wipe away this worried look from her face. To his surprise, she lets him wrap his arm around her waist and doesn’t protest when he cups her cheek._ _

__« I’m sorry, » he whispers and she visibly fights back tears. Tears are a rarity on Jaz and it dawns on him that he hurt her more than he thought. « I never should have said that. I didn’t think- I- I don’t know why- »_ _

__« I do, » soothes Jaz. Her fingers splay over his beard. « Or at least Aline knows. We need to be able to communicate, to talk about what we feel for each other, whatever we are or at least what is between us, »_ _

__« I want to be with you. » The words come out of his mouth before his thoughts catch up to him, but he knows they’re true. The thought of Jaz with anyone other than him makes his skin crawl._ _

__She closes her eyes and opens them full of pain. « I don’t want you to say it because you feel like it’s the only option. This is not an ultimatum, »_ _

__Adam’s hands slide to the sides of her face. « I’m not, » he says, carefully appraising her reaction. His thumb moves over her cheekbone. « You’re all I’ve ever wanted. Ever since you came to the team, »_ _

__« Why didn’t you say anything? » Jaz asks. And Adam has a whole speech prepared for her, but he gets cut up by the sound of pans clattering to the floor in the nearby kitchen._ _

__He grabs her hand and nudges her toward the door. « What do you say we go take a long walk on the beach? »_ _

__Jaz nods before following him, her hand firmly grasped in his. They end up on the beach, walking down as the sun sets around them. It’s the most ridiculously cliche thing Adam’s ever done, but he’s glad he’s doing it with Jaz. They walk slowly, barefoot against the wet sand, inhaling the salty air._ _

__« So? » she asks after some time. Adam can see the effort it takes her to push further._ _

__« I remember the first day you came, right after Jimmy retired. We’d been out of a sniper for a week and the guys just wanted you to get there so they didn’t have to go on over watch. They kept making jokes about having a woman on the team and I tried to tame those down because I didn’t want you to feel out of place, stuck in a hut with four unruly men. But then you came and McG whistled and it was all I could do not to slap him, because I wanted to be the one to hit on you, »_ _

__Jaz smiles back at the memory, growing noticeably redder under the setting sun. « You all made quite a sight, the bunch of you shirtless, swinging beers and playing awful pool, » her other hand comes up to his chest, nails lightly raking over the cotton of his shirt. « And I wanted to hate you, to put you in that spot I usually put my COs in, but you were too cute and strong and just so nice, »_ _

__Adam takes in Jaz’s confession, feeling himself get more brazen with his. « I realized I was screwed the next week. Morocco mission, »_ _

__« When I saved your ass, » Even then she still smirked at the thought._ _

__Adam chuckles, his head bobbing up and down. « Yeah, when you saved my ass. But you just called me out on it with a straight face and muttered something about guys and their egos before going back to cleaning your gun. And I knew you had a smart mouth, but I never expected to like it so much, »_ _

__« You like my smart mouth? » laughed Jaz and Adam pulled her to him, kissing her long and hard before letting her go._ _

__« A lot more than I should, »_ _

__She smiles a smiles that so Jaz, that he tugs at her so she’s flat against his chest just because he needs to touch her._ _

__He craves it, that contact. He’s been craving it more and more for the past weeks, but he didn’t want to burn red lights, didn’t want Jaz to think their relation would be strictly physical. So he pretended that touching her over her clothes was enough, at least until they were both on the same page relationship-wise._ _

__There’s also the fact that they’re sleeping under Leah’s bedroom, and having sex there just feels wrong._ _

__« Why don't you sleep with me? » asks Jaz. It’s sudden and unexpected in the moment and Adam swallows back his words, making sure the right ones come out. He owes it to her, after all their miscommunications of the day._ _

__« I want you Jaz, there’s no doubt in my mind about that. What I didn’t want you to think is that I only want your body, so I thought that delaying physical intimacy would be a good thing, at least until we managed to be on the same page, until we knew where this relationship was going, » He wants to say soul-wise, but it’d sound too sappy. And Adam Dalton might have softened up a hell of a lot for Jaz, but saying soul-wise is some movie-worthy bullshit._ _

__« You stupid, stupid man, » Jaz scorns before turning sober. «I thought you didn’t want me anymore, that you were having second thoughts, »_ _

__« Never with you, Jazzy, » says Adam. He kisses her once again, his hands roaming all over her body. They’re alone on the beach but he doesn’t really care who sees him grasping Jaz’s ass so he can bring her hips closer to his._ _

__« I want you inside of me, » she purrs into his ear, and Adam knows he’s lost it. He’s tempted to take her right here on this beach, but a dog barks not far from them and he’s suddenly reminded of where they are._ _

__« Come back with me, » he breathes out into her ear. « We can spend our whole days walking around naked, »_ _

__Jaz sighs, hooking her hands behind his neck. « It does sound tempting, » She admits._ _

__« You can be as loud as you want, » he presses on with a teasing smile._ _

__Jaz’s eyes narrow at that. «  What’s that supposed to mean? »_ _

__Adam laughs at that because it’s no secret Jaz gets pretty vocal in the sack. « Come on, there have been a few post-mission times when I shared a wall with you blowing off steam. There’s no way we could manage to have sex with Preach’s kids right above us, »_ _

__« You heard me? » The look she gives him is a definite mix of annoyance and amusement. « When? »_ _

__« Brazil, Lausanne, Tokyo, Moscow, » Adam ticks off locations from his fingers, « and the Quonset, »_ _

__She looks so affronted he bends down to kiss the frown from her face. « You heard me in the Quonset? Touching myself? »_ _

__« All the time, » grins Adam, a twinkle to his eye. « Hottest thing I’ve heard. In fact, I often joined you, »_ _

__He’s glad to see Jaz relax at that. She bumps her shoulder with his and gives her a mischievous smile. « Just wait until we get to Pennsylvania, »_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end! These two idiots have a lot of things coming their ways... not to mention they have been cockblocked way too many times as logictron would say ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well I don’t believe it. Adam Dalton finally thinking about settling down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys did such a good job this morning :) keep on fighting little bravers! Soooo here it is, your fluff filled chapter.

« You’ll come back right? » Leah’s bottom lip trembles as she hangs back by the door frame of Jaz’s room.

Jaz raises her head from the duffel bag she’s been packing, suddenly remembering what Preach had said about not resisting those doe’s eyes. 

Leah starts to tear up and Jaz wraps her arms around her. 

« Of course I will, honey, » she soothes, fingers running through the little girl’s hair. Leah is reserved and prone to anxiety and Jaz quickly found out it’s the easiest way to get her to open up and relax. « I love you way too much not to come back, » 

It seems to help, and before she knows it, Leah is back to smiling, even helping out with the packing. Jaz thinks, not for the first time, of how far she’s come since rescuing that little girl in Nigeria, how she didn’t know how to hug her. 

Adam pops his head into the room, smiling as he sees Leah babbling and Jaz nodding in a semi-serious way. « She’s briefing you good? » he asks and Jaz watches as Leah turns her attention to Adam. 

Folding a shirt, she notices the way Adam’s eyes light up when Leah hops off of the bed, running to him. He’s got a way with kids, always have, but playing house with him the past weeks only fortified the knowledge. It expands that place in her heart that’s reserved for Adam only.

Eva screams for Leah, something about a cartoon with a talking dog and the little girl bolts out of the room, leaving Adam and Jaz alone. She zips up her bag, staring at her life packed into two duffels. 

Jaz never really cared for material things, but she finds herself wishing she needed more bags, that she lived a little more. 

« What’s going on in that head of yours? » Adam asks. He wraps his arms around her waist from behind, setting his chin on her shoulder. His breath is hot on her skin and she leans against him, enjoying the moment she never thought she could have. 

His fingers trace circles over her side and she closes her eyes as a warm feeling envelops her. « I- I just- I’m going to miss them, » mumbles Jaz. There are too many thoughts, too many emotions in her head and she struggles to grasp them for long enough to really understand. 

« I knew you were a softie, » smiles Adam against her skin. She wants to retort, to point out how he melts in front of the Carter girls, but he presses a kiss in the crook of her neck and all those thoughts she struggled to grasp simply evaporate. 

As a soldier, Jaz has always relied on her ability to analyse, to predict. She’s always aware of her surroundings and their effect on her body, because it’s a matter of life and death ; how well she can read people and manipulate them. With Adam, she quickly found her usual tactics didn’t work. She comes to no conclusions, finds herself standing on uneven ground and it’s scary and exhilarating, that loss of control. 

 

xxxxx

 

Preach brings them to the airport and Jaz hugs him tighter than usual before she lets him go. This goodbye feels different, because it firmly closes the door on the old Jaz, the one who didn’t care at all for a life aside from work. 

« I’m proud of you, for doing this, » whispers Preach in her ear and Jaz gives him a frail smile, still struggling with those ungraspable emotions.

« We really have to go, » says Adam as he grabs one of Jaz’s duffles, staring at the too long check-in line. 

Preach bids then a final goodbye and they make their way to the line. They’re halfway through security when Adam grabs her hand, and Jaz raises questioning eyes at him before she remembers that this is the new _them._

__It’s going to take a while before this thing between her and Adam feels normal._ _

__Jaz grasps his hand tighter and tries to hide the smile that creeps on her face. Even if it doesn’t feel normal, it still feels too good to be true, so she wills herself to enjoy those little moments. In her career, she’s seen how quick things can turn bad, and even though she hopes it will last, she can’t help but feel like she should enjoy every single second of happiness while she’s got it._ _

__He keeps touching her through their journey, pressing a hand on the small of her back as their walk to their gate, rubbing her shoulder as she yawns when they board, pulling her closer to him as she curls in her plane seat. Jaz thinks maybe Adam wants to touch her because he’s wanted her for so long, but a small nagging part of her wonders if it’s because he needs to reassure himself she’s still there, next to him._ _

__Jaz can’t honestly say that fear doesn’t show its ugly head, trying to convince her to run. Because all the other people who managed to break through her barriers either ended up dead or uncaring. She’s learned a long time ago to self-protect, to fortify barriers with fireproof stones._ _

__But there’s something else that lives next to that fear, something stronger and rowdier, that makes her braver by the day. Something she realizes she needs to let grow, to push down the firestone walls, even if she risks getting burned in the process._ _

__Jaz pushes her nose in the crook of Adam’s neck, like she’s done for the past weeks and inhales his scent, the sound of his breathing lulling her to sleep._ _

__

__xxxxx_ _

__

__Adam wakes her up with a kiss to her temple and she blinks her eyes at the bright lights, not quite knowing if she’s awake or dreaming. It’s a strange line that separates the two states of consciousness, one that Jaz toes as carefully as the one she and Adam drew and erased so many times over the years._ _

__But he runs his hand up and down her side, stopping below her breasts as he kisses her temple once more and Jaz feels herself gaining footing in the reality side of the line._ _

__« Did I sleep the whole time? » she croaks out, slowly adjusting her position so her neck doesn’t hurt as much._ _

__« Pretty much, » Adam answers. His hands remain on her waist, a soft, warm touch that makes her cling to reality._ _

__« Sorry about that. » She waves her hand around, indicating the place where she slept, invading his space._ _

__« Wasn’t complaining, » he shrugs carelessly, but his arm wraps itself tighter around her._ _

__This touchy feely Adam is something she could get used to. It feels that much special because it’s something only she has witnessed and it fuels that thing that keeps breaking down the firestones._ _

__They get out of the plane and get a taxi, loaded with their duffles. Adam waves a hand around him, showing her Philly. « Welcome to the home of the Flyers, »_ _

__Jaz wrinkles her nose at that. « I was always more of a Rangers girl, » she says, turning her gaze away from a larger than life poster of Claude Giroux._ _

__« Sinful words, » tutts Adam as he grabs her hand once more._ _

__His sisters live in a Philadelphia suburb, a little less than an hour from the airport. They stop by Sara’s house, since it’s where Adam parked his truck and Jaz just stares at the empty house for a second. It’s not big, but it exudes charm. There are soft colors and ivy and wisteria climbing up the wall to the gutters and a white picket fence that’s so immaculate it looks brand new._ _

__It’s all very New England, with the ordered row of houses and for some reason, Jaz’s attention gets caught by the bushes of bluish hydrangeas and the barely bloomed peonies.  
Jaz wonders if that’s how Adam imagines life after the army should be. Little town wood churches and neighborhood parties on the Fourth of July. It seems odd to imagine him thrown into that life, but then again it felt odd to her too a month ago. _ _

__There’s a swing on the tree that moves to the slight breeze. Jaz can imagine his niece and nephews playing tag around the yard, knees skinned with grass, rosy-cheeked. She thinks of them as blonde haired and blue eyed, not unlike how she imagines how her kids would be._ _

__These thoughts keep creeping up on her lately, and she wonders why that is. She feels more firestones getting tossed away as they climb into the truck, staring at the cute little house._ _

__

__xxxxx_ _

__

__Adam’s truck parks in front of a cabin that’s so Adam, Jaz feels like she should have seen it coming. It’s boyish, with its rugged look and wooden walls, but there’s a definite attention to details._ _

__Jaz notices the firepit, made out of even field stones and the neatly stacked firewood in the small shed with the slanted roof. The door has been painted a bright red and the small porch is swept. It’s not exactly rustic chic, but it could be rustic clean._ _

__Around them, the mountains reach for the sky and Jaz can see the sun reflecting on the lake nearby. It feels like a separate world in itself, that cabin.  
Maybe it’s exactly what they need._ _

__« What do you think? » Adam asks as they take their duffles out of the truck._ _

__Jaz takes one more look around. « Not too shabby, » she says before smiling up at him « I love it, »_ _

__« There's water, electricity, a shower; the whole shabang, » he winks at her, putting a hand on the small of her back as they walk to the red door._ _

__« How fancy, » Jaz smirks. Everything’s so clean , she wipes her shoes on the _welcome _carpet.___ _

____The interior is unlike what she expected. It’s cute and cozy and so well decorated she suspects Sara or Molly had a hand in that. There’s a stone fireplace and beautiful concrete counter and Jaz stares at he the Moroccan style backsplash for a few seconds. « My guess is you didn’t design this, »_ _ _ _

____Adam’s blue eyes twinkle. « Molly did, » he chuckles. « Said I shouldn’t live in some American version of the Quonset when I’m on leave, »_ _ _ _

____Jaz keeps exploring, walking in front of bookcase after bookcase. They’re all filled to the brim with dozens of colored books. « Are those Molly’s? » she asks, running a finger over the covers. Some of the titles glitter under the midday sun. Jaz remembers how Adam told her about Molly pursuing her PhD at UPenn during one of those nights where they tangled their feet in bed as they waited for Preach to get better._ _ _ _

____« Nope, those are all mine, »_ _ _ _

____Jaz feels Adam’s presence behind her before she sees him. She turns in his arms, finding him closer than she expected. « I didn’t know you like to read that much, »_ _ _ _

____She’d noticed that he read a lot on his iPad in Turkey, but she’d always assumed it was reports and work papers. Jaz feels a sting of disappointment because this is obviously a big part of his life and she had no idea it even existed before now. She’s suddenly remembered of how important those cabin days are to them._ _ _ _

____It’s the perfect place to really explore each other, not just on a physical way, but in a deeper level. Those books make her want to reach into him, to explore every single nook and cranny until she knows them by heart. She wonders if this is what love should feel like._ _ _ _

____But then Adam kisses her and she moans into his mouth, forgetting everything but him. He chuckles at her desperate groan when he pulls away, his hand remaining in hers as he tugs her back to the kitchen. « Want something? » he asks as he takes two glasses from the cupboard and fills them with water._ _ _ _

____Jaz is about to reply _you _when something catches her eye. Pictures, all framed with simple black lines, are nailed to the wall. She walks up to them, staring at a bunch of people with Adam’s eyes. All Daltons. She recognize his nephews and his niece, all of them with wide smiles and soft blond hair. Isabelle, Gabe and Elliott. Two other woman, no doubt Adam’s sisters occupy the rest of the frames. It’s a blonde festival, apart from one person.___ _ _ _

______She’s got glossy dark brown hair and cornflower blue eyes. Jaz stares longer at her. She knew there used to be someone on and off in Adam’s life, back when he was still Top and nothing else, and she wonders if it’s her._ _ _ _ _ _

______« Who’s that? » Jaz asks, pointing at the woman’s perfect cheekbones. Jealousy might be rearing its ugly head, but she makes no effort to rebuke it._ _ _ _ _ _

______« Elizabeth, » says Adam and Jaz doesn’t miss the way his voice softens as he says the name. She looks at him, unsure what to do._ _ _ _ _ _

______This thing between them is still fairly new, and it wouldn’t be fair for her to hold someone from his past over his head._ _ _ _ _ _

______« My cousin, » continues Adam when he sees her struggling, « same farm class as Hannah, »_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaz feels petty, but she still breathes a little easier. « CIA? » she asks, still studying the picture. She can now see a few similarities between them; the way the eyes crinkle, the curve of their chins and the dimple in her right cheek. « Why didn’t you recruit her for the team? » He could have picked her instead of Amir, have a piece of home with him in Incirlick  
« Because I think I’d go mad knowing she’s always in danger, » _ _ _ _ _ _

______His unsaid words stretch between them, about how they delayed the inevitable for so long because of that very reason. Fear seizes Jaz by the throat as she senses Adam tensing. He’s visibly closing himself to her and she tries to get him out of his funk before it drags them somewhere dark._ _ _ _ _ _

______She cups his cheek and her fingers find the dimple buried under his beard. « I love this, » she whispers. « I love how only I know about it, »_ _ _ _ _ _

______Something changes in his face and fear slowly disappears to get replaced by an intensity she isn’t familiar with. He seems to get what she means, that she _knows _him, that she takes pleasure in knowing every part of him.___ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam grabs her face between his hands, kissing her suddenly. It’s rough and passionate and overwhelming and Jaz can barely keep up. Tongue battles and teeth clash as Adam backs her up against the counter. Jaz bites his bottom lip before sucking it, making Adam groan before he hoists her up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She cradles his body with her hips, wrapping her legs around his waist, pulling him closer as she takes handfuls of his shirt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Bedroom, » Jaz whispers and he chuckles against her lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Feeling hasty Jazzy?» asks Adam, but he still takes off her shirt. He stops kissing her and stares for a moment. His hand closes on her breast and Jaz suddenly feels really glad she decided to put on her prettiest lingerie kit that morning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You’re so beautiful, » he whispers as if he can barely believe it’s really her. Adam’s hands run over her skin, breaking out trails of goosebumps.  
Jaz arches into his touch, claiming back his mouth, trying to pass his shirt over his head. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Uncle Adam! »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The voice is distant, coming from outside and they quickly break off and fumble with their clothes. Jaz barely had time to put her shirt back on before a devious grin greets them. She instantly knows it’s Gabe, partly from the pictures, partly because he looks like a miniature Adam. Her breath catches at that thought and she stares at little bit longer than she should._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Gabe runs to Adam as fast as his little legs can, not quite stopping quick enough. He bumps into his legs and Adam grabs him before ruffling his hair. « Hey bud, » he greets his nephew, « where’s your mom? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But Gabe has a mind of his own and he ignores the question as his attention settles on Jaz. « It’s the girl from your pictures, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz quirks eyebrow at that. Adam has a picture of her? « Team picture, » mouths Adam in her direction._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Isabelle comes in with a stumbling toddler on her heels. He’s got that whitish blonde hair that his siblings share and a big toothy grin that grows a little wider as he pads through the room on unsteady feet. He almost falls down and Jaz scoops him up in his arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You must be Elliott, » she says knowing they just aborted a crisis. Sara arrives, disheveled, bringing Patton in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Sorry I saw you took back the truck and the kids wanted to see you- »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Patton jumps in front of Jaz and she pets him behind his ears. « Hey boy, » she says before she raises her eyes to meet Sara’s, still holding the woman’s son._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There’s no doubt that Sara is a very very beautiful woman. With her straight nose, fair complexion and bony cheekbones, she has patrician looks that make her look a little unattainable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Yet, her blond hair is pulled back into a practical ponytail and she wears jeans and a simple cotton shirt. It’s unsettling, the way her aristocratic features contrast with her simple attire. « I didn’t know you brought a friend, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sara’s tone is apologetic, her eyes shifting between Jaz and Adam. He puts Gabe down and moves toward Jaz in what looks like a protective move._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She likes that he tries to shield her, but Jaz wants Sara to know she can take care of herself so she holds Adam’s sister’s gaze, still bouncing Elliott on her hip. The baby buries his head on the crook of her neck, where Adam was kissing her minutes before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I’m sorry. Sara, this is Jaz. Jaz, my sister Sara, » Sara eyes grow a little bigger as she hears Jaz’s name coming out of her brother’s mouth. For the hundredth time, Jaz wonders if everyone knew about them before they did themselves._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The blond woman gives her a warm smile that completely transforms her porcelain face, giving Jaz a kiss on each cheek. Her hold on Jaz is strong and warm, not unlike Kendra McGuire’s. « I’ll take my devil back, » says Sara as she reaches for Elliott._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« He’s sweet as an angel, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« That’s what he wants you to think. He’s got some Dalton in his blood, » winks Sara as she takes Elliott from Jaz’s arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They end up staying for dinner. Adam texts Molly and she comes straight back from class with enough food to feed an army._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________With Top manning the barbecue and Sara keeping a watchful eye on her kids, Jaz ends up in charge of the salad with Molly. They find themselves engrossed in conversations about chemical engineering while chopping toppings and washing spinach leaves._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz never thought she’d one day talk about chemical engineering, let alone like talking about it, but she has a feeling that Molly Dalton can make everything interesting. She looks a lot more like Adam than Sara does, with that all-American smile and rounder face. She beamed at Jaz when she first saw her, hugging her so fiercely Jaz stumbled. It’s easy to see that Sara’s the oldest sister; she’s more grounded whereas Molly is a ray of sunshine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« So you and my brother came back this morning? » asks Molly, trying to make small conversation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz has to remind herself that this isn’t a debrief, there are no right and wrong answers, just a sister who wants what’s best for her brother._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________«Early afternoon, » From the corner of her eye, Jaz can see Molly smiling a bit too wide for someone who is cutting cherry tomatoes in halves._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Jaz? » Molly starts and Jaz turns around, nodding. « I’m not like Sara, I don’t know how to be poised and say the right thing just so, but screw this, I’m just going to come out and say it. I’m really glad you came here. Adam looks- well, you make Adam happy and that makes me happy, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz’s cheeks redden at that, but she forces herself to hold Molly’s glance. « I’m happy I came too, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Later that night after they’ve all finished their barbecue dinner, the kids, with wiped mouths and cleaned hands, run back into the dirt, tossing a football between them. Jaz clears the table with Sara, and heads to the cabin to clean the dishes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She expects a quip, a warning, a word of some sort about Adam, but it never comes. Sara softly hums to the country song they can faintly hear, coming from the radio outside. They work in silence, both lost in their thoughts, and Jaz finds it comfortable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam walks in after a moment, Elliott in his arms. Jaz’s stomach drops inside of her belly and she’s not sure if it’s because of the loopside grin he gives her, or the image of Adam doting on his nephew. She’s used to seeing him handle kids after all those weeks at Preach, but it didn’t prepare her to see him playing with smaller versions of Adam.  
Somehow this hits closer to home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Is your aim only good for horseshoe or do you know how to play football? » he asks her, twinkling eyes as Jaz dries the last of the dishes with a checkered dish towel._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I can play catch, » she replies, noticing the way Sara eyes the two of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Come on, Isabelle and Gabe want to throw the ball around with us, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They play catch for half an hour, laughing and pretending to lose to the kids. It’s not soccer and it’s not a beach, but it feels familiar. At some point, Isabelle passes the ball to her brother and Adam lifts Jaz in his arms so Gabe can run to the end of the line uninterrupted. She protests good naturedly and his hands linger too long on her waist as they tease each other and laugh easy laughs. Jaz catches Adam’s sister giving them knowing glances._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Eventually, Molly calls out for him and Jaz stays behind with the kids. He knows she’s not entirely comfortable intruding within their family dynamic, but he’s glad she at least got to meet his Pennsylvania family. It’s another part of him that remains secret when in Turkey, and just like those conversations by the barbecue after Mexico and under the stars after Colombia, he finds himself with this need to show her the real him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« She's good with kids, » notices Sara, cradling her sleeping toddler against her chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam knows there is no use defecting Sara’s comment because she always seems to read right through him. He doesn’t mind it either, her knowing about Jaz._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Yeah, » Adam breathes out, eyes staying still on Jaz’s moving form as she runs after Isabelle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« What? No protest? » Sara and Molly stare at him more intently with the kind of look that means he’s in trouble._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam knows it’s inevitable, so he settles for the truth. « I’ve been thinking, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Well I don’t believe it. Adam Dalton finally thinking about settling down, » Molly says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You’re one to talk, » Adam rolls his eyes at his youngest sister, who spends more time in a lab than on dates. He’s not complaining, but he’d like for Molly to get more of a life. The irony of it isn’t lost on him, how he scolds his sister for the same things he does._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You don’t get to turn this on me. Spill, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I don’t know, we’ve grown closer, » he huffs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They talked and talked on the beach the day before, coming to the conclusion that they now were together, testing the waters. Adam knows the waters have been tested a long time ago, but Jaz wants to do this and he doesn’t want to pressure her, although one glance at her game of football with the kids is enough to confirm what he wants. It still feels too soon to drop the wife and kids thing on her. He’s ready, but he doesn’t know if she is._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You’re so in love, » bluntly calls out Molly. It’s one of the things he loves the most about his sister, her bluntness. Ironically, it’s also one of the things that drawn him to Jaz in the first place._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Yeah, I am, » Adam is done denying his feelings for Jaz. He’s never lied to his sisters and he’s not about to start now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Molly turns conspirator eyes to Sara. « What have you done to my brother? » she asks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I think it’s more a matter of what has she done to him? » Sara quips, a soft smile playing on her lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam rubs his beard, his gaze once again not straying far from Jaz. « She just burst through my defenses, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s not too late when his sisters go back home. The kids have school the next morning and Molly mumbles something about some research protocols to complete.  
They watch the light of their cars dim through the trees, leaning against the porch banister. Adam wraps his arms around Jaz’s waist from behind and rests his head on her shoulder. They stay like this for a long time, enjoying the feel of each other. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz feels more relaxed than ever in his arms, breathing softly as she leans further into his back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I love you, » says Adam and she turns wide eyes at him. He squeezes her hand reassuringly. « You said we had to communicate, to put into words what was between us. I love you, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The words tumble freely out of his mouth, unstopped because, for once in his life, there’s nothing holding him back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam sees the sheen of tears in her eyes. He knows she’s had a rough childhood, that she never really had anyone loving her until she came to the team where she won Elijah’s heart first, quickly followed by the rest of them. _I love yous _aren’t a small thing to Jaz, which is why he chose so carefully his moment to tell her.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz tightens her grip on him and oddly, it has the opposite effect on him. She puts her trembling hand to his face, tracing the dimple in his cheek._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« I love you too, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time SMUT. No seriously, all smut, the whooole time (think cockblockers hyped up?!)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Smut time :) So NSFW, basically just our favorite couple banging each other for a whole chapter ;) 
> 
> Have fun!

The words almost get stuck in her throat. She feels it, that fears that claws at her throat, at her heart, at the bottom of her belly, but she fights through it, pushing the words out.   
Jaz is not a coward by any means, but matters of the heart have a way of unsettling her. She goes back to the way she pushed Amir, trying to resist his friendship because she couldn’t handle going through Elijah once again. 

But she did manage to overcome her fear when it came to Amir, so she tries to steady her uneven hands as she picks up bits and pieces of courage around her heart, bracing herself. It’s his dimple that ends up pushing her over the edge, because, for some reason, it warms her heart to touch it. Because she’s the only one that knows it’s there and touching it, knowing it’s there, feels more intimate, more meaningful than anything she’s ever done with Adam. 

« I love you too, » 

He tugs at her so they’re sitting on a camping chair and she’s on his lap. Jaz looks up at the stars and she’s brought back to his last fireside confession. The troubled look in his eyes only brings up turmoil so she chase the memory away, concentrating instead on the Seville one.

« Which one is Cassiopeia again? » she asks and he kisses her shoulder as he wraps his arms tighter around her waist. 

« Right there, » he points at a cluster of stars that looks like nothing but tiny points of light to Jaz. She nods unconvincingly and he chuckles into her neck, obviously calling her bluff. 

« Who knew, » Jaz whispers and she’s not sure if she’s talking about Cassiopeia or them. Who knew they would be talking about the vain queen, months after Spain, having gone from reckless flirting to living together with the security of confessed feelings. 

« I’d guess Preach, » Adam ponders and his smirk has her rolling her eyes at him.

« Smartass, » 

« Cause only you are allowed to be one? » 

« That's exactly it, » Jaz nods convincingly, smiling because she just can’t stop and she’s so in love. 

 

xxxxx

 

It’s Adam who resumes their make-out session. Once again, he backs her up against counter, pressing his body into hers until there’s nothing between them but the threads of their clothes. 

Jaz arches her back and grips at him, fingers digging deep into his muscles and heels taloning his ass. She takes away his shirt and lets her fingers explore the taunt muscles there, cloud like touches with the pads of her fingers turning to a claw-like predatory hold as he sucks on her neck. 

Then, her hips start to rub against his and he whisks her into the bedroom without a second to spare. She squeezes her thighs around his waist, supporting herself as he walks them to the bed. 

It feels different with words backing them, with known and admitted feelings on both their parts. Their nights at Preach are a long way from where they stand, their needy touches more unleashed, less restrained, because there isn’t anything stopping them anymore. No kids upstairs, no revelations to be had, no feelings to sort out. 

It’s Adam and Jaz, Jaz and Adam, just them becoming some immuable thing that’s its very own entity. 

She expects him to push her down on the bed but he lays her on the covers in a slow, fragile way. Adam gives her long, deep kisses and his hands _tremble _on her body. Jaz has never has seen Adam Dalton trembling and it makes her smile, seeing that she’s the one doing this to him.__

__They shed the rest of their clothing, fumbling hands on her part and shaking ones for him, and then suddenly they’re completely naked in front of each other, silently staring. Adam takes her in, studying her with that analyzing look she’s seen so many times. A shudder goes through her as Jaz realizes he’s probably trying to elaborate a plan, some sort of how to in order to demolish her body._ _

__To her surprise he turns back his eyes to her and she finds them filled with tenderness. It’s not that animalistic state she’s expecting and it throws her off her game.  
She’s used to fucking, to the hard grips and pushes, to going through the motions with the sole intent of getting her release. And she loves it, even craves it, but this time she finds herself enjoying making love to Adam just as much as a good fuck. Maybe even more. _ _

__He’s all about sweet stuff, about butterfly kisses on her face, long nips at the hollow of her neck and hands trailing over her sides, steadying his hands as he grips her. Adam’s hold on her gets tighter and tighter but Jaz doesn’t complain. Instead, she relishes the feeling, moaning for more, pressing harder against him, rubbing and teasing and nipping._ _

__When she starts to suck on his neck, Adam growls and wraps his hands around her wrists. She smiles a sly smile, thinking he’s about to get kinky, to hold her still as he does whatever he wants with her, but he anchors their joined hands above her head and stretches over her so they’re completely skin to skin. There are no interruption, no barriers, no unsaid words... nothing left between them. It’s just the two of them, ready to give in to each other._ _

__Adam kisses her, once again with one of those languid kisses, before he moves down her body, taking his time to lavish every single inch of her skin with attention. Jaz writhes under him, thinking there is no way she won’t combust before he gets inside of her._ _

__Jaz pulls at his hair and he grins at her, chin dipping into her belly button. « What’s wrong? » he asks even though she knows he pertinently knows what she’s after._ _

__She opens her legs for him, the air hitting her wet core, making her whimper. « I need you, » she mumbles in a half-plea._ _

__Adam gives her another one of his smoldering looks before lowering his mouth on her. Jaz gasps at the feel of him, so much more than when he rubbed her off through her pajamas in California._ _

__He knows what he’s doing, that’s for sure. His tongue does things down there that she only imagined could exist, swirling around her clit, teasing until she can’t stay silent anymore and then he curls two fingers inside of her, gasping as he does so._ _

__Jaz makes a conscious effort to clench her walls around his fingers and it makes him grown. Adam flattens out his tongue against her, using his teeth as he lazily criss-crosses his fingers inside of her._ _

__«Jesus- the sounds that you make, » he mumbles against her skin. Jaz looks down at him and he stares at her with such reverence, such abandon that it brings her even higher._ _

__« So good- so so good, Adam, » Jaz manages to grit through her teeth as he redoubles his efforts, pushing his fingers deeper inside of her._ _

__She trashes against his mouth and he smooths down a hand over her thigh, keeping her in place, but he gets her drift and goes back to sucking her clit. Adam traps it between his teeth before flicking his tongue on the engorged bud._ _

__« Oh fuck, » cries Jaz as she grips Adam’s hair tighter. He pulls hard inside of her and she breaks against his mouth. « Adam, »_ _

__Her orgasm takes her somewhere so high she gasps for air, desperately trying to get a hold of something to anchor her to this world. It’s Adam who manages to bring her back, softly kissing her neck, all the way to her ear, murmuring sweet things to her._ _

__« That’s it Jazzy, let go, I’ve got you, »_ _

__She resurfaces, blinking eyes and beating heart, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him to her mouth. Jaz tastes herself on his tongue, and it springs up arousal in her belly, thinking of Adam devouring her._ _

__« God, how long I’ve waited for you to do this. Coming apart under me, » Adam whispers in between kisses. His breaths come out loud and deep, his eyes darkened by desire, and Jaz knows he won’t be able to hold back for long._ _

__« I can do it as many times as you want, » she purrs as she seductively leans back so her mouth hovers over his cock._ _

__Jaz licks her lips at the sight of him and she lowers her head before Adam pulls her back up. « Not tonight, » he says, claiming her mouth once more. His cock is stiff heavy against her belly and she moves her hips over him. Adam shudders, tightening his grip on her. « God Jaz, you can’t do that, »_ _

__« I need you inside of me, » Jaz murmurs, feeling her whole body heat up at the thought._ _

__« Is that what you want? »_ _

__Jaz nods furiously. « I want you stretching me, want you to fuck me until I scream, »_ _

__She watches as Adam’s eyes light up with lust before they soften. He stares down at her, fingers softly brushing over her cheek. « How about we take it slow tonight? »_ _

__Jaz is tempted to rebuke him, to demand something physically rough, but staring at his eyes makes her wonder how does it feel to be loved? How does it feel to make love for real? She’s only known the savage part of sex, the fucking one with its hot white blissed-out pleasure, and she longs for the softer one that bathes everything in pale shades._ _

__« Ok, » she nods, eyes holding fast to him._ _

__After that it becomes a blur of sensations for Jaz. She feels it, how different everything is, and it’s not because he pushes harder inside of her or because he tells her particularly dirty things. It’s in the way he says her name, reverently, as he slips into her, the way he holds on to her, powerful and delicate and Jaz thinks she has never been held like that, never been loved like that._ _

__Like she thought it would, she finds that everything around them gets bathed in soft shadows, almost like a dream-like trance. She feels more deeply, takes in the little details. How his beard brushes against her mouth as he kisses her, how the muscles of his thighs work and stretch as her pushes and pulls out of her._ _

__Jaz lets her head fall back to the pillow, observing, feeling because there are way too many things to take in and she feels her control slipping. She panics a little, even if she knows that control is given to Adam, because she’s on unfamiliar territory right now._ _

__« Hey what’s the matter? » Adam asks when he catches her drifting from this, from them._ _

__Jaz shakes her head, willing herself to stay in the moment, to take in the love she’s still not sure she deserves._ _

__« Nothing, just hold me, » she whispers and he does so. Adam holds on to her as he kisses her everywhere, showering her with love, still moving excruciatingly slow.  
It’s so slow Jaz starts to wonder if they’ll ever come or if they’ll forever stay in that blissful torture of need and pleasure. At first, she’d thought he wanted to do it soft and sweet because he wanted to do right by her, but she realizes from his trembling hands and the way he whispers her name to her ear that he needs this, this physical way of telling her he loves her. _ _

__That single fact alone is enough to wash another wave of need over her. Adam catches her eye and starts upping the pace. Jaz clings to him as she meets him trust for trust and instead of cursing like she usually does, she keeps calling him name, moaning loudly for him._ _

__Her release builds up fast and it rips something inside of her. Adam isn’t far behind, burying his face in her neck as he groans her name, telling her how much he loves her.  
Being loved doesn’t come easily to Jaz and that orgasm is almost too much, bringing tears to her eyes. _ _

__« Don’t cry, » chuckles Adam when he sees her wet eyes, but a few tears fall down her cheeks and he reaches out for her. « I love you, so much, »_ _

__« It’s just that- I’ve never really… God just- can you hold me tight? »_ _

__Adam wipes away the wetness from her cheeks and tucks her in the curve of his body. He kisses her once more, slowly. « That better? »_ _

__Jaz nods, biting her lip. « You must think I’m pathetic, »_ _

__« No, I think we have a little work to do. Because I love you Jaz, and you got to believe it, » He’s staring at her so intently she almost recoils from the intensity of his gaze._ _

__« I do- It’s just- it’s still hard for me, ok? But I’m getting there, I promise, » Jaz finger reaches for his dimple, calming her breaths with every brush of her thumb. « I love you, »_ _

__

__xxxxx_ _

__

__Jaz wakes up next morning, blissfully warm in Adam’s arms. She stretches slowly under the early lights, looking at the piles of books stacked against the wall in front of them. Her mind goes back to the overstuffed bookshelves she found the day before, how much Adam likes to read and how she had no idea._ _

__It does something to her, nags her in the back of her mind, how she didn’t know this part of him._ _

__She feels his morning erection pressed against her lower back and, even though she knows it’s nothing but a biological reaction, something totally normal that doesn’t have to do with her, it brings up that wanting. Last night was delicious and exhilarating, but she’s not ready for another round of emotional exhaustion. The only thing she wants now, is the physical kind._ _

__Jaz manages to untangle herself from Adam’s tight grip, pushing the covers without waking him. She eyes his naked cock. It’s on display, as if waiting for her and her mouth. With a sly smile, Jaz picks it up, wrapping her fingers around the base, giving it an experimental lick before bringing it into her mouth and sucking the head of it. She pushes his cock against the roof of her mouth, tongue swirling on the underside._ _

__Adam wakes up, blinking sleep from his eyes. « Christ, Jaz, » he croaks out, voice still rusty._ _

__She brings him deeper into her mouth, humming as she sucks. His fingers tangle themselves in her hair, pulling with just enough strength to bring an even, buzzing pain that only serves to spike up her arousal._ _

__Jaz works him up and down, taking her time to lick every inch of him before taking him to the back of her throat and sucking hard. Adam comes immediately and her throat bobs up and down as she swallows him greedily, hands smoothing down his thighs._ _

__He pulls her to him, still catching his breath. « Good morning, » Adam smiles as he pushes stray strands of hair from her forehead. He leans in to kiss her and she moans, rubbing herself against his hip._ _

__« Someone’s needy, »_ _

__« I haven’t had my fill of you yet, »_ _

__He rolls her so her back is pressed to the mattress. Adam hovers over her, kissing her softly as his hand travels down to her navel._ _

__Jaz frowns into his mouth, kissing him ferociously. Her fingers pull firmly at his hair as her teeth sink into his bottom lip and he seems to get the message, that what she wants is for him to go rough._ _

__His attention is quickly taken by her breasts and he smiles at her before circling her nipple, too slow for Jaz. She whimpers and arches her back so her nipple sinks further into his mouth. « Suck, » she commands, and Adam raises his head, giving her a devilish look._ _

__« Is that what you want? »_ _

__For all answer, she pushes the back of his head back to her nipple and he quickly goes to work. Licking, sucking, biting, he seems to figure out that the more he pushes, the harder he goes, the louder she gets._ _

__Adam moves lower, dragging his teeth all the way down to her belly button, and she opens her legs wide for him, coaxing him and his magical tongue where she wants him to be.  
He drags one finger down her slit and swears under his breath. « You’re soaked, Jaz, » _ _

__« I’ve been soaked since the moment I put your cock in my mouth, » Jaz mumbles, barely containing herself._ _

__Adam shakes his head and she knows he’s barely believing the words coming out of her mouth. « You’re something, you know that? »_ _

__Jaz chuckles, but she raises her body to get better access to him. Her hand runs tenderly over his beard. « You’ll never get tired with me, »_ _

__His eyes turn dark at that « No, but I have a feeling I’ll get exhausted, »_ _

__« Maybe, » Jaz contemplates, her finger running over his dimple. « I’m pretty demanding, » she keeps going, her hand reaching the back of his skull before pushing him between her legs. « Now make me come. And go hard at it, I’m not gonna break, »_ _

__« Jesus, » whispers Adam, but her hand is firm on the back of his head, nudging him towards her aching core._ _

__She props herself on her elbow, watching him as he devours her. The sight of it, of Adam’s face buried between her legs, licking and sucking every inch of her is almost too much for her. Jaz lets her head fall behind as he pushes two fingers through her opening, exploring her front wall until they finally find that spot that makes her quiver._ _

__« Fuck, Adam, » she calls as he curls his fingers into the spot, relentlessly stroking the nerves._ _

__Jaz’s hips trash against his mouth and he has to use his other hand to steady her. Gone is silent, confident Jaz at this point. She’s been replaced by a breathless version of her who keeps calling Adam’s name, pleading for him to just make her come. « Please, right there- harder- ahh Adam, » Her pleas only serve to feed his appetite and Jaz stays rigid, letting Adam do all the work as she takes him in._ _

__He flicks his fingers one last time into her, pulling particularly hard and she explodes, drenching his beard and his hand in cum. Slowly, he keeps stroking her walls, dragging out the last ripples of pleasure from her. Jaz closes her eyes, breaths coming out in uneven short bursts._ _

__« Was that rough enough for you? » he asks as she comes down from her high._ _

__Jaz flashes him a playful smile. « It depends, » she shrugs as she scoots closer to him._ _

__Adam narrows his eyes at her. « Depends on what? »_ _

__« On how hard you’re going to fuck me now, » Jaz smirks as her hands trail down to his cock, stroking the length of him._ _

__« I knew you’d bring me to my grave, » says Adam in a falsely annoyed voice. His eyes say another thing, however, hungrily taking in her body as he fumbles with the bedside table for a condom._ _

__Adam throws the condom at her and Jaz catches it « You say it like it’s a bad thing, » she laughs, tearing the packet with her teeth. She expertedly rolls it down his cock, humming appreciatively at the sight of his erection._ _

__He moves, ready to jump on her, but she puts a stopping hand to his chest. « Wait a minute, » she says, eyeing him with amusement. « I want to ride you, »_ _

__« Take whatever you want, Jazzy, » says Adam, letting himself fall back on the bed. Jaz grins at him, settling her knees around his hips as her hand grasps his cock, positioning it over her entrance._ _

__She watches his face as she sinks herself unto him, quick and hard, feeling him bottoming out inside of her. « Fuck, Jaz, » hisses Adam as she stays still for a moment, adjusting to the feel of him stretching her walls._ _

__Jaz lets out a shaky breath, raising herself before slamming back down. He grabs her hips with a strong grip, strong enough to leave bruises and she moans as he helps her get up and down on his cock. « Just like that, Adam, » she coaxes as she adds a little roll of her hips, multiplying the friction._ _

__« You look… incredible like that, » he says, brushing over her thighs as she flexes them, pushing and releasing. Jaz hair falls over her shoulders, partially covering her and Adam passes a hand through it, pushing the strands behind her ear. He grabs her by the back of her neck, pulling her in for a kiss before flipping them._ _

__« Hey-» she protests, but he shuts her up with another kiss. His tongue battles hers with all the roughness she’s been demanding._ _

__« My turn, » he mumbles against the skin of her neck. She shudders as he approaches her pulse point. Adam stops, blowing on the wet spot «You like that? » he asks._ _

__Jaz nods and he sinks his teeth into the flesh, sending her in a frenzy. « Fuck, » is all she can manage to croak out as her hips start shifting so she pulls their intertwined bodies deeper into each other._ _

__« Fuck me, Adam, » Jaz commands when she regains her sanity._ _

__Adam looks at her, unbelieving. « Christ, you’re something, » he shakes his head but still braces himself into the mattress before he pushes forcefully into her._ _

__The strength of it has her moaning his name again, her nails breaking the skin of his shoulders as she holds on to him. It’s not long before the pleasure builds up to an intensity she knows won’t last. One look at Adam tells her he won’t be far behind her so she grabs his ass, pulling him deeper with each trust, slamming him at just the right angle so he hits her clit every time._ _

__« Jaz, » he groans, « I’m so close. I need you to come. Now. »_ _

__The pained look on his face, mixed with his command has her obeying, coming right on the spot. Jaz feels herself explode, mind blank, only registering that Adam is burying his face in the crook of her neck and mumbling her name over and over again._ _

__She strokes his back when she comes down from her high before raking her nails through his hair. « I love you, » Jaz whispers, simply because it feels right._ _

__She’d never thought she would one day willingly tell someone I love you. But then again, she’d never thought she would one day love someone as much as she loves Adam. Jaz thinks back to that day in Tehran where he cradled her head after saving her, how he held her so tight against him, as if to reassure himself she was real._ _

__It’s a peculiar thing, the relationships that they weave in a team like theirs. Lives become so tightly intertwined that it becomes difficult to separate them completely. She thinks of the way Preach’s wife welcomed her into her house as if she’d always been part of the family and how she can’t seem to spend a day without talking to McG. For so long, she thought that her relationship with Top was just another one of those tightly woven strings, maybe just a little tighter._ _

__But at that moment, wrapped into Adam’s arms, lying down in his cabin between piles of books, she sees with a certain clarity that those strings between the two of them are more than those that link her to the other guys. They’re brighter, bigger, more important._ _

___If anyone were to cut those strings, she knows she wouldn’t be able to stabilize herself the way she would if others were cut. Jaz thinks of McG and how he often blabs something about major arteries and minor ones, how a blow to the carotid is always worse than one to a smaller vessel. Adam’s her carotid, no matter how weird that sounds.  
« Hey, where did you go? » Adam’s question brings her back to reality, back in their mess of a bed with its wrinkled sheets and their mingled scents.   
« Thinking about us, » she says, the words coming out surprisingly easy. _

__Adam quirks an eyebrow in her direction. « Is there a problem? Was I not savage enough for you? »_ _

__Her chinks tinge with pink at that and she shakes her head. « You were great, »_ _

__She watches as he smirks at that, obviously pleased with himself and Jaz suddenly thinks it’s the most adorable thing she’s seen, Adam worried she didn’t enjoy herself in bed. « I mean, I’d heard rumors— bits and pieces about how you were in bed. McG and Elijah used to tease you about your sex habits, how you were always covered in marks and hickeys. But I get it now, »_ _

__« I’m not really the porcelain type, » shrugs Jaz, trying really hard not to blush. She’d spent hours ribbing the guys about their contests, and they’d done the same to her, often not caring that Adam was within their vicinity. Jaz hadn’t realized how much he’d paid attention, how he’d cataloged her bruises._ _

__« Honey, you’d be in pieces if you were, »_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: feelings (and they're terrifying)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me on this one guys! And thank you all for your sweet sweet sweet words and comments. They warm my heart and make me love writing even more :) 
> 
> It takes a looong time to edit this story because I really want everything to fall in place perfectly. I have a plan for them, don't worry :p

« Breakfast? » Adam asks, when he hears Jaz’s stomach growl loudly. She’s lying next to him in the bed, gloriously naked, lazily enjoying her time. 

« Yeah, I’m starved, » she calls, sitting up. She brings her knees to her chest, eyeing him. 

« It’s no wonder why, » 

Adam grabs a pair of boxers from his dresser and catches Jaz ogling his ass. She giggles at that, following him to the kitchen. 

He goes through the fridge, trying to find something to whip up breakfast. There on the middle shelf, he finds a plastic bag filled with the makings of an omelet, along with a sticky note signed by Molly.

 

_Figured you might need this ;)  
-M ___

__

__Adam shakes his head, grabbing the bag. As with any siblings born to an abusive home, he and his sisters developed a close relationship. Maybe a little too close, if Molly knows his go to morning after breakfast._ _

__He heats up a pan while starting an easy banter with Jaz. Perched on top of the counter, bare legged and wearing one of his old t-shirts, he stills for a moment, taking her in.  
That moment means more to him than she’ll ever know. It might be because he’s been waiting for her for so long and it seems surreal to have her wiggling her toes in the air in his kitchen, but Adam knows it’s mainly because it screams familiarity and domesticity._ _

__He chops onions and throws them in the pan with a generous portion of butter, sensing Jaz’s eyes on him. Adam keeps cutting veggies, mushrooms and bell peppers and tomatoes while she babbles about the latest Amir-Hannah development._ _

__« So what do you want to do today? » Adam asks as he breaks eggs inside a bowl. He starts to beat them with a fork before adding salt and pepper. Molly put some basil in the bag and he figures out it must be good with the omelet, so he adds some to the mix. Shaking his head with a smile at the corner of his lips, Adam sees Molly must really want him and Jaz to work if she’s trying to help him impress her._ _

__« Mmh, stay in bed? » Jaz tries. She laughs a deep throaty laugh when he raises an eyebrow at her._ _

__Adam shakes the pan, sauteing the veggies before pouring the egg mixture in. Armed with his spatula, he starts to fold in the edges under Jaz’s watchful glance._ _

__« We have to swing by the grocery store, » he tells her and it feels like they’ve been doing this for years. Adam could see them spending lazy Saturday mornings like this, sex and breakfasts, wondering how to spend the rest of the day. « We won’t have anything to eat otherwise, »_ _

__« Want me to cook? » Jaz asks, stealing a strawberry and popping it in her mouth._ _

__Adam shrugs. « I thought maybe grilling, »_ _

__« Seems good. I’ll whip out a salad or something, maybe a pie, »_ _

__They’ve just returned from spending weeks taking care of Preach’s house. Adam feels like they’ve just graduated to their very own household, like kids who get out in the world after college. But he’s glad they did this, this sort of internship under Preach and Aline’s guidance where they learned more than he thought they would. Jaz in particular completely impressed him, quickly adapting to her new role and taking over the house for Aline._ _

__Adam Dalton never thought he’d one day see Jaz baking bread and frosting three tiered cakes, but damn it, she did it. She took up cooking and homeworks and laundry as seriously as she’d first done with her new job when she’d joined the team._ _

__He kind of likes it, how she folds perfectly into that domestic mold, how she enjoyed herself taking care of Preach’s daughters. The way she bakes pies is just the cherry on top.  
« Please do. That coconut one is amazing, » _ _

__She grins at him and pulls him to her so he’s cradled by her legs . Her thighs wrap around his waist and she kisses him._ _

__« I like that, you and I, » Jaz reaches for his beard, looking so happy he beams at her. « It’s a nice change from the hut, »_ _

__« We wouldn’t have been able to do this at the hut, » Adam retorts, knowing very well Jaz is way too vocal for any kind of subtlety._ _

__Jaz drags a hand down his chest, stopping right above the elastic band at his waist. « But I bet you thought about it, »_ _

__« More than you think, » Adam says as he retreats back to the oven to close the heat. Quickly, he sprinkles cheese on top of the eggs before folding the omelet and cutting it in two equal halves. There isn’t a thing Jaz does halfway and it includes eating._ _

__Adam motions for her to join him at the table where he sets the two full plates. Jaz follows with the bowl of strawberries, pushing him further. « Oh really? Perhaps when you were hearing me come? »_ _

__There’s a cheeky grin on her face and Adam rolls his eyes at her. He borrows the phrase he used on her when they first kissed on Preach’s couch. « You’re going to hell you know? »_ _

__« That doesn’t answer my question, »_ _

__« Yes Jaz. I thought about you whenever you touched yourself. But you thought about me too, » Adam can’t resist teasing her. He’s learned a long time ago the only way to deal with this Jaz is to push just as hard._ _

__This time Jaz looks amused, bringing a fork full of eggs to her mouth. She makes a humming sound as she tastes his omelet, looking way too impressed for his ego. « What makes you think that? »_ _

__« Because you always moaned my name when you came, »_ _

__He expects her cheeks to turn pink like they do whenever she’s embarrassed. To his surprise, she simply shrugs unabashedly. « What can I say, I had those… fantasies of you taking me in a million different ways, »_ _

__And then he sees it, the top of her ears getting red. Adam winks at her and Jaz flashes him a dare-me look. « Since when do you know how to do omelets? »  
« I’ve always known, » _ _

__« You’ve never made them. In fact, I believe I’ve never seen you on breakfast detail, » retorts Jaz._ _

__« That’s the beauty of being the CO, » Adam laughs as she swats him with a towel._ _

__

__xxxxx_ _

__

__The grocery store is a world of its own. Jaz is used to doing this part alone and she usually likes it, strolling down the alleys and checking the different ingredients, waiting for inspiration to strike. It’s a different way to analyse thing than the one she’s used to, one with a lot less consequences if things go sideways._ _

__She grabs things from the shelves, produce and cheese and those whole grain crackers she just love._ _

__« I have no idea how you manage to eat that, » Adam shakes his head when she reaches for the box, but he still ends up putting it in the cart just because she likes them. He puts a hand on the small of her back and, just like a thirteen year old schoolgirl, she melts into his touch._ _

__Adam takes way more time than should humanly be possible to choose their meat, so Jaz leaves him to it and wanders on her own, trying to find everything she needs for a coconut cream pie. It’s a weird feeling to be grocery shopping for Adam’s favorite dessert and Jaz finds herself thinking back to the last time she did the groceries, back when she was waiting on Preach and Aline._ _

__She thinks of McG and how she should call him later that day because he’s nosy and she’s giddy and that just fits together._ _

__Jaz clearly sees how she’s neglected him this summer. The two of them were usually glued to the hip with Elijah in tow. Since Elijah had the same kind of family situation as hers, home on leave meant Kendra McGuire’s ranch with its mismatched couches and endless walls of pictures, most of them featuring McG and some kind of animal._ _

__Adam joins her as she balances a bag of flour on her hip. His hand trails down her arm in the barest of touches and it’s the way he does it, without thinking about it that really gets to her._ _

__He keeps doing this, touching the small of her back, brushing his fingers against hers, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek here and there. She likes it, that physical proximity and finds herself enjoying the mundane things of life, like shopping for the ingredients of a coconut cream pie with Adam, thinking of what to cook for dinner, doing the groceries together. It’s a long way from where they were when Preach got hurt and it fills her with joy and a little apprehension, how far they’ve come._ _

__She holds onto the words, the _I love you _because she can’t quite still believe them. She tucks them right next to the other ones in that special place inside of her.___ _

______You’re real pretty tonight. I’m really glad I came here early. I can’t wait to have you alone. I love you. _____ _ _ _

______Jaz isn’t quite sure which ones hold the most power in her, the three compensation ones she wholeheartedly believes, or the _I love you _she doesn’t deserve.___ _ _ _ _ _

________She shakes the thoughts out of her head, and instead focuses on the way he told her they could walk around the cabin naked. The visual does have a certain appeal. Jaz suppresses a shudder as her imagination runs wild in the middle of the grocery store. She can’t wait to have Adam’s cock buried inside of her once more, especially now that she knows for a fact that he’s just as good as the way she imagined him to be._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Oh oh, » Adam calls and Jaz turns around, eyes setting on him. « I know that look, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« What look? » she shakes her head, but her eyes shine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« The one you have every time you want to undress me, » His breath is hot on her neck and she stays still, facing the shelves of sugar._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You’re so full of yourself, » Jaz rolls her eyes at his antics._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Well am I wrong? » Adam asks as he reaches for a bag of sugar in front of her. They’re alone in the alley, but he still acts inconspicuously, brushing the back of his hand against her stiffened nipples._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz inhales and Adam smirks next to her. « That’s what I thought, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He brushes a kiss to her pulse point, making her close her eyes. She’s tempted to tear his shirt apart right next to those sugar bags._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Patience, babe, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« She’s cool, » declares Isabelle as Adam walks with her from the cotton candy pop up stand to the bleachers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They’re watching Gabe and his football team at the local high school stadium and the little girl got so restless Adam offered to take her off of Sara’s hands for a few moments under the guise of buying her a snack. Jaz stayed with his sister with a sleepy Elliott in her arms, fingers brushing the toddlers locks, softly coaxing him to sleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He’s glad that Jaz and Sara hit it off. Molly isn’t usually a problem, he swear she’ll manage to befriend half the world before she dies. Sara, on the other hand, is a little more tricky. She’s the mother hen of the siblings, always hovering, mothering, caring for them. She seems to have taken a liking to Jaz and he often finds both women engrossed in easy conversations, laughing and just being happy. Adam loves the way his sister manages to turn Jaz into one of those carefree persons, because she might be fearless, but she’s never done carefree. Not until this summer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Your girlfriend, she’s cool. I like her, » shrugs Isabelle and Adam stops licking his ice cream for a moment. His niece is eleven, a tweenager as they call it, but she still looks at the world with more serious eyes than most. He recognizes himself in her, something about the stubborn set of her jaw and the crinkle of her eyes when she accomplishes a goal.  
Somehow, hearing Isabelle call Jaz his girlfriend makes everything more real. Because as perceptive as she can be, if even an eleven year old can see they’re happy together, everyone can. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Oh really? How come? » Adam asks, trying to hide a smile. He likes to tease her, mostly because she gets so easily worked up and then she looks exactly like Sara did at this age. It brings back good memories._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Isabelle twirls a long strand of blond hair around her finger, turning serious eyes to him. « First of all, she’s badass, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Are you even allowed to say that word? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Whatever, » answers his niece with more sass Adam ever thought she could muster. Isabelle rolls her eyes, hand propped on her hip. « She’s still badass. And she makes you happy, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Is that what your think? » This time Adam makes no effort to hide his smile. Sara must have her hands full with that one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Yeah because your eyes make this whenever you see her, » She shakes her fingers in the air, mimicking fireworks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« And you’ve seen this by yourself, » smirks Adam because even if she notices things most people don’t, he seriously doubts an eleven year old could pick up on sexually charged glances._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Isabelle huffs, letting her shoulders sink. « Mom said it to Dad. Said you were completely smidden. What does that mean? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Smitten, Spunk. Not smidden, » Adam chuckles but Isabelle keeps looking at him, waiting for an explanation. « It means you’re in love, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Ohh, » Isabelle nods. «So you’re in love with Jaz? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« What do you think? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I think you are. » Adam ruffles her hair and she shrieks and runs sideways but she still comes back to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Yeah I am, » he answers because she keeps staring at him with those blue eyes that are so like his mother he really can’t say no them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« That’s good, » says Isabelle, nodding her head convincingly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam stares at his niece with amusement. « How come? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Because I promise to keep your secret if you don’t tell Mom I said badass, » she grins at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I’m pretty sure she already knows, Spunk, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Isabelle told me you told her you were in love with Jaz, » says Sara._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They’re finishing their beers, drinking straight from the bottle, sitting on her immaculate patio chairs as they watch the kids run in a sprinkler she set on the lawn earlier.  
Henry, Sara’s husband, is chasing after the screaming terrors, making them squeal in glee. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam takes another swig and sets it down on the fire pit before turning to his sister. Molly and Jaz went to take Patton for a walk once they’d finished eating, and Sara dragged him to a corner of the garden so they could have a talk. Now he understands why._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s one of those lazy Sunday family dinners that he could see himself attending week after week. There’s something to be said of the crisp air under the setting sun as they all huddle around the table, him and Jaz and his sisters and Sara’s family._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Then I guess I should tell you she said Jaz was badass. We had a deal, she kept my secret if I kept hers, but it’s off the table now, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sara just stares at him with an exasperated look, but the right corner of her lips twitches and Adam knows she’s not really mad. « Will you ever grow up? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You always tell me I’m too serious, » Adam gives Sara a boyish grin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« There’s got to be a middle somewhere, » she mumbles under her breath before turning the conversation back to where she originally planned. « So Jaz? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« We’ve talked about where this is going, » Adam says because there’s really not that much to tell. They’ve decided to try and put words and labels on feelings, but the whole _this is us _hasn’t yet been established.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« And? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« She knows I’m in love with her. I told her and she told me the same. Anything else you want to know, nosy? » Adam bumps his shoulder into his sisters, waiting on her because it’s Sara and there’s always something more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Mmh, » she takes a swig of beer. To Adam’s surprise, she stays silent for a few minutes, watching her husband run after her children. « Does she want any kids? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« I think so. »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Adam thinks of the way she refuted Preach’s suggestion when he asked about doing the family thing. She’d told them she’d do it only if she could get in in writing it wouldn’t be anything like hers. Adam doesn’t plan on being the same as her father, and he wonders if that’s what she means, if her parents were the only problem._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He ponders on the way she took care of Preach’s daughters, how Leah cried when she left, of Isabelle deeming her cool and badass and of Elliott always ending up in her arms. Jaz does like kids, even seems to be a kid magnet lately. This is the first time he’s seen her interact with kids on a daily basis, and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t stir some things inside of him. He just hopes it stirred some things inside of her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« I sure hope, » Adam adds after a long moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Look at you, thinking about becoming a dad, » Sara teases but there’s a huge smile on her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« What can I say, you finally manage to wear me down, » Adam answers, not unlike how he usually answers Isabelle’s knowing comments._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Oh it’s not me, it’s all her. You needed that one good person to tilt your world. It turned out to be that badass girl you love so much, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Adam keeps looking at the kids who huddle around their dad. « You’re a damn romantic, » he shakes his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Something tells me you’re one too, » Sara says. « You need Mom’s ring? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Nah, too much baggage with that ring, » Adam says without thinking. He stops himself, realizing how easy it was, that answer that’s almost an admission that he wants to marry Jaz._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« I can always help you pick one, » Sara proposes and he knows she’s doing her best to keep her calm, to act nonchalant._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Truth be told, Adam would put a ring on Jaz’s finger the next morning if he’d thought she’d say yes. But there’s this nagging feeling that she won’t, that she’ll hesitate and eventually say yes because she doesn’t want to lose him. He wants Jaz to marry him because she wants to, not because she feels like she has to. « I don’t think she’s ready yet, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Have you talked to her? » Sara turns worried eyes toward him and he recognizes those eyes. It’s the way she looked at him when he hugged her goodbye before leaving for his first tour, uncertain and fragile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Adam thinks of Tehran, of how he almost lost her and lost himself in the process. He wants to keep her with him for the rest of his life, tucked into that world of its own they’ve created here in that cabin. He’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to settle down because he honestly doesn’t know what her answer will be.  
« It’s complicated, Sara, » _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The setting sun casts dramatic shadows on her high cheekbones as she turns towards him, her aristocratic face serious. « Look, I know you two have this whole world that you can’t talk about, but it really isn’t complicated. It’s a story as old as the world, a boy and girl falling in love, getting married. If you two are supposed to be, it’ll work out, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« And if it doesn’t? » he can’t help asking because he’s pretty sure pushing Jaz will only send her running._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Than you make it work, » says his sister as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. She lets her head fall on his shoulder and he wraps his arm around her waist, tugging her closer. « You know I love you right? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Adam kisses her temple like he used to do whenever she crawled into his bed out of fear, back when they were kids hiding from their father and the monster alcohol woke up in him. « I love you too, Sara, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz looks at the beds of flowers that decorate every house on the street, the white picket fences and the freshly cut grass and she wonders what life would have been if she had been raised here. What would have happened with Jaz Khan if her father hadn’t been such an asshole, if her mother hadn’t been satisfied with turning her eyes away whenever her husband decided to hit his daughter?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Maybe she wouldn’t have enlisted, if her parents had been as good to her as Preach and Aline are to their daughters. Or maybe she would have, maybe this need to protect and serve would still have been ingrained in her, no matter the circumstances._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But then she wonders what would have happened if she hadn’t been an only child, if she had had siblings to share the burden with. Would they have grown up to be as tight as Adam and his sisters? Would they still want to have a family?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________For so long, Jaz thought that Adam hadn’t settled down because of his parents, but now she’s here in Pennsylvania with Sara and her family and Molly who seems to want one and she figures out she’s wrong. His sisters didn’t get discouraged by their upbringing, it just fueled them to be better individuals, better parents, more caring persons. Whereas Adam, Adam is still a mystery to Jaz in so many ways._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’s caring and gentle and he’d put his life on the line for anyone any day, but she doesn’t know if he’d be able to make the ultimate sacrifice, to think not only of his country, but of something bigger, more personal, a family. It takes guts to really start living._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz is familiar with that line of thinking. She’d been the poster child for evading emotions and she’d thought that the army would bring her exactly that, a way of channeling her energy, of not caring. A way to hide behind a purpose without ever finding one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She shakes her head as Patton pulls a little too much on his leash. Molly struggles to keep him in line and Jaz whistles sharply. The dog whines and pulls his head down, but he still stops testing Molly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________If things had been different, maybe she’d already be married. She’d have a house on this street with impeccable hydrangea bushes and magnolia trees that flower in the spring and life would be kind of fun. Maybe Adam isn’t that type of guy. Jaz wonders if she’s that type of girl._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She’d never thought she’d say this, but after a full summer of taking care of kids, Jaz decides she wants some, a lot more than she should. In her head, she replays the way Adam ran with Leah over his shoulder on the beach with Eva kicking and screaming after them. She remembers how good it felt to have Elliott curl into her arms at football game, to have him fall asleep with his cheek nuzzled into her chest. She thinks of Isabelle, how she’s a miniature Top, always analyzing everything with those blue Dalton eyes of hers. It makes her itch for a baby with those eyes, to see her belly grow with their child, to watch the wonder on Adam’s face as she carries their very own kid._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz has heard stories about your biological clock messing with your head. Right the moment you think you’ve got life figured out, it creeps on you, that need to have kids. But Adam has a good ten years on her and he doesn’t seem to have been affected when it was his time. Apart from that time where they lay in their hotel bed with their feet tangled, she’s never heard Adam mentioning the idea of having kids. Even then, he hasn’t talked about it since Turkey. He probably just doesn’t want them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________So Jaz shakes her head and rolls her shoulders back, turning to Molly. “What’s happening with your boyfriend? Adam was under the impression he was coming to dinner.”  
Molly’s cheerful face sobbers up for a bit and Jaz resists the urge to reach for her. This is also new from this summer, that urge to touch people in need. Before, she was content with retreat. Now, she needs to give. “Greg proposed,” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz knows she’s supposed to gasp and squeal in a girly way, but something in Molly’s dry tone stops her. “That’s a bad thing because?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He got it all wrong,” Molly hufs, eyes fixed on the setting sun. After a moment she turns to Jaz. “He took me out to a restaurant, a seafish restaurant, which I hate. And then for desert he ordered, without even consulting me, and orange souffle. I’m allergic to oranges,”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Adam’s sister stops walking suddenly and it dawns on Jaz that it’s the first time she sees Molly without that cheerful smile. Right now, looking all annoyed, she looks just like Adam and it makes Jaz itch even more to comfort her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________So she does. She reaches out and puts a hand on the other girl’s shoulder. Molly’s eyes brim with tears, but they seem more fuelled by anger than pain. “I mean, all I want is someone who knows me, like really does. Like how Sara knows exactly how Henry takes his coffee and how he turns the corners of the newspaper pages he knows she’ll like. I want to be loved, really loved, by someone who loves me so much he knows every part of me, like you and Adam do,”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz coughs at that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Come on, you know my brother better than anyone. And you tell me he doesn’t know everything about you?” Molly fixes her gaze on Jaz, looking so thoroughly convinced with what she’s saying it has Jaz blushing. She takes her hand away, feeling herself retreating into her old ways in the blink of an eye._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Without knowing it, Molly has put a finger on the exact thing Jaz keeps trying to grasp but really can’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She wants to get married to Adam, but can she ever do it if they don’t really know each other? There are too many thing left unsaid between the two of them, too many demons from her past and his creeping in to really consider them close enough to get married._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But she still feels it, that pulsating need to be with him, always. Jaz knows that by now, she can’t imagine her life without Adam in it anymore. She needs him, them, together. She’s just not sure if he wants it. If he wants to be with the _real _Jaz, the one he has only skimmed the surface of. The one who’s a screwed up kid who has managed to screw up too many things in her life.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________So right there, walking up the perfect row of pastel-colored New England houses that stands in Sara Dalton’s street, Jaz makes the decision to let Adam in. She wants that whole picket fence thing with him, knows it more than she’s ever known anything. But she also knows she needs for Adam to truly know the real her, the messed up parts and the good ones._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feelings are just beginning to appear, next up is even more of them :p
> 
> Come say hi on twitter (@bond_syd) and tumblr (sydbond)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As gentlesquidandink would put it: Jazzy learns to love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a busy busy week guys so thank you for your patience :) also a huuuge thanks to gentlesquidandink for listening to my rambling and betaing my things

Jaz doesn’t really know how or when it happens, that necessity of him being there, but it does and it scares her. She wakes up in one of those early morning hazes, where the light is hazy and everything is calm and eerie and she can’t find him. Her hand automatically shots behind, searching for his warmth and she finds herself panicking when all she comes with are cold sheets. 

Quicker than she’d like to admit, she sits up, knees flying up to her chest. It’s an old move from her past, one which she used to protect herself figuratively whenever she saw pain coming her way. 

It doesn’t help.

Jaz’s eyes roam the room, looking for him, but all they come up with is the pile of books on the bed stand and the slight curve in the mattress where Adam’s body once was. 

Her throat feels tight and itchy and she forces herself on her back, commanding herself to take deep breaths. It works-partially- and she manages to calm her wildly beating heart, but it doesn’t change the fact that she woke up to an empty bed and her reaction is too big. 

So big she has to breathe for several minutes until she can finally chase the feeling of free falling with something more solid. It’s not steadiness, but it’s better than air. Like baby food, it has everything she needs, but none of the appeal. 

It’s ridiculous, getting herself all worked up because Adam isn’t curled up into her back like usual. Maybe Patton asked for the door, maybe Molly had an emergency, maybe… There are too many maybes and none of them matter. Because it’s not really the reason that matters to Jaz, but how it affects her. 

She’s never felt that way with anyone. Never ever found herself dealing with fear when she couldn’t find a guy next to her in bed. Jaz is not an idiot, she knows exactly what it entails, how quickly Adam managed to plant himself in her heart. And she doesn’t mind it, even wished for it during the past three years, but somehow a part of her is very worried he cemented himself inside of her whereas she only managed to glue herself inside of him. 

Because that’s the problem with Jaz Khan. She lets people cement themselves in her heart, but she doesn’t have the same hold on people.  
It always hurts the most for her, when she has to break the foundations and painstakingly remove every bit and piece of that person from her heart.  
She’s done that, multiple times. With her parents, with her very first CO, with Elijah. Every time it broke her a little more. Jaz stares at the ceiling and goes back to the first delta team she got assigned to, when she got paired with Stephen and almost lost it all. 

It was a long time ago, yet, even then, it still hurts. She’d been young and naive and thought he really saw her as she wanted to be seen, as a soldier, a good one, and not just some woman. He’d coaxed her into his bed and she’d agreed because he had those great blue eyes that had always been a weakness of hers. 

After him, she’d sworn to herself she wouldn’t make the same mistake twice, wouldn’t let anyone break her heart again. Elijah had been rough, but it’d been a love based on friendship, and Jaz had been willing to forgive herself for that one. 

With Adam and those feelings stirring back up, she doesn’t know what to expect. Because she thought she knew her parents, but her father just kept sending her to the hospital and her mother didn’t say a thing. She thought she knew Stephen, and yet she almost lost her entire career because of him. 

Jaz knows Adam is neither of those men, that he’s a good one and that he would never hurt her on purpose. She thinks of the dimple in his cheek, hidden by his beard and the way he whispers I love yous into her skin late at night. But then she sees the pile of books, the one she had no idea existed, and it’s enough to make her backtrack into complete disarray. 

He doesn’t know the real her. Adam’s read her file, he knows how she had a shitty childhood and a few bad recommandations from her past COs, but he doesn’t _know _her. Jaz, more than ever, finds herself worried he’ll just let her go once he does, once he truly sees how broken she is.  
It’s the first time she realizes how deep in love she is, how full and thick the cement has set around him, and it scares her more than she’s ever been scared. __

__Her first reflex is to turn to Adam for comfort. She rolls over and curls into a ball before remembering that this hollow and cold part of the mattress is the very thing that spun her into this frenzy of fear._ _

__Instead, she grabs her phone in the dark and scrolls through her last conversation with McG. It’s nothing important, him being his nosy self and her giving just a bit more information than she’s used to because she’s too excited about having Adam Dalton waking her up with his sinfully long kisses and wandering hands._ _

__Her finger trembles on the screen, right where she sent a winky face. Jaz remembers how her cheeks heated up as she typed it, knowing she was confirming to Joe the extent of hers and Adam physical exploration of each other._ _

__Right under is his reply, a few words that keep staring at her._ _

___Enjoy, I’m glad you two found each other. You deserve it Jazzy. ____ _

____For some reason, the words go straight through her chest. Because for the past three years, she’s been trusting Adam with her life. Jaz has been turning to him every time she has a question, every time she needs comfort. How come she’s starting to question everything now?_ _ _ _

____Because the happiness is too real, too tangible, and Jaz is not used to deserving happiness. Years and years of being told she was good for nothing left a mark, one she didn’t suspect was that powerful._ _ _ _

____So instead of relying on Adam or herself, she clings to Joe and his words. How he seems to think that she deserve happiness, that she should enjoy herself with Adam and that they do deserve each other._ _ _ _

____Jaz scrolls back down until she can write to him. Her phone stalls for a moment and she waits until the screen turns back to normal. For the hundredth time that week, she wishes she had Joe with her, someplace near where she could talk to him about everything, where he could see what’s happening and push her to be fearless with this Adam thing._ _ _ _

____But he’s in Montana and Jaz is in Pennsylvania. She takes a deep breath. It’s time she learns how to rely on herself._ _ _ _

____She erases the _I miss you _she just wrote and replaces it with _I love you _._____ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam is sitting alone outside, watching the sun get up. He left Jaz in bed at the crack of dawn, unable to stay there with Patton whining in the living room. She needs her sleep and that damn dog would only rob her of that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He’s been looking at her for the past week, wondering if he should push her further or let her be. Adam’s got a feeling Jaz is already stretched to her limit and that it’ll take a while for resiliency to kick in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They’ve been spending their days getting to know each other in and out of bed. It’s important to Adam that Jaz knows exactly what she’s getting into so he unpacks his heart, little by little. He spurts out little details on their daily hikes, shares memories when they huddle next to the fire at night and presses kisses over her temple when he finds her soothing an exhausted Elliott to sleep, silently smiling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His sisters have been careful not to intrude too much, but Adam makes sure they see each other regularly because he’ll have to go back to Turkey soon. The fact that Jaz loves his niece and nephews doesn’t hurt either._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He finds himself spending a lot of nights with Sara on her patio chairs, looking at Jaz running around with Isabelle and Gabe, seemingly unbothered by the dirt on her feet. She seems different here in Pennsylvania, without a care in the world, just enjoying life. The guys have managed to break through her though exterior, but Adam is conscient she is always aware of her femininity and how she’s afraid to show it. Here she doesn’t care about tying back her hair or wearing clothes that are flimsy and colorful and girlier. Adam would give pretty much anything to have her in this state year round, to see her cheeks redden with happiness and her eyes light up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Patton climbs the stairs and sits on one, nestling his head against Adam’s thigh. He’s been whining since Jaz came here. Patton likes her, but he’s a bit jealous, especially so since the guys aren’t there to pet him all the time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You know she’s not replacing you, bud, » he says as he scratches him behind his ears.  
Jaz comes out with two steaming cups of coffee and a thick blanket wrapped around her shoulders. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Hey, » she mutters as she sits next to him. Jaz hands him his cup, nose scrunched up as she stares at the liquid rendered pale by too much cream. Hers is as black as her soul -or so she says. Adam hopes she doesn’t really believe it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Good morning, » he replies, leaning over to kiss her. She hums with contentment when he breaks off, tucking her head in the crook of his shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You weren’t around when I got up, » Her voice feels a bit different than what he’s used to and Adam searches her eyes for any trace of trouble. She slants them, staring at the sunrise instead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Patton was getting loud and I figured out you needed sleep, » Adam explains, but she doesn’t look at him. He knows that Jaz, the one that tries to build barriers between herself and the world and it scares him that after all this time, she still resorts to her old tricks. So he wraps an arm around her and kisses her forehead until she looks up at him. « I love you, » he says, voice soft against the rising wind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She snuggles into him as he says that. Slowly, he feels the tension leaving her body, making her soft and warm. He likes feisty Jaz, even fell in love with her, but there’s something to be said about this strong no-nonsense woman letting herself soften for him and him alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Whatever got her into that wired-up state seems to take less and less importance inside her mind these days, but he still catches her on those moments where the panic gets bigger than everything and the walls quickly get reinstated. Adam has learned the easiest way to get through is not by breaking them like he usually did back at the hut, but by coaxing her out of it. That usually takes more time, but it leaves her more comfortable and trusting, readier to unpack her heart._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So he keeps on telling her he loves her. He holds her tight at night and buys her flowers even though she rolls her eyes. He brushes kisses over her forehead, her temples, her mouth. Soft butterfly kisses that are meant to show her his love through actions that back up his words. Adam understands the importance of sex, but he’s very careful not to let it get too important with Jaz. Because he knows that if she had her way, she’d push for more of it just to get away from the softer parts of their relationship._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s a tough balance to attain, physical intimacy with Jaz. As much as he wants her- all the time- he also needs her to fully understand the extent of his feelings for her. How he can’t see himself living a single day without her. Not anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Those walls that keep getting back up against her heart are a hard thing to get around, because they always seem to pop back out whenever Adam senses they’re making real progress. Every time he itches to talk to her about the future, every time he thinks it might be the time to confess how big a part of his life she has become, he finds himself shut down by her self-preservation instincts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So he keeps on trying and tells himself that one day it’ll be enough. He hopes he is enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Do you have a dress? » he asks her once the sun has risen up. She glances back at him, quirking an eyebrow in his direction._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Want to borrow it? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Mmh, no thanks . I’ll let you keep it. Do you have one yes or no? » Adam’s eyes twinkle as his knee nudges hers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Yes I do. Why the question? » Jaz straightens up, studying him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I want to take you out on a date, » his answers is simple, without a fuss. As if it was perfectly normal for the two of them to head out on a date._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They haven’t been on one. Not ever. Unless undercover dates count, which Adam is pretty sure don’t. He and Jaz have been living together for three years with the team, and sharing each other’s lives in a more thorough way for almost two months and he thinks it’s time they do the normal couple things. The flowers and date and the hand holding over the table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Maybe it’ll get her to open up more, if they try to do the normal steps in the normal order for once._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You really don’t have to, » Jaz shrugs and her eyes go back to the horizon, avoiding his gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And that phrase goes right to Adam’s chest, straight to his heart. After all this time, she still doesn’t think she’s worthy of being taken out on a date, of them having an us. « Of course I do, » Adam murmurs. His fingers grab her chin, forcing her to look at him. He kisses her softly, once again putting emphasis on the loving part of their relationship. « I want to show the world you’re mine, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________«Don’t be so stiff, Spunk, » Adam tells his niece. He pushes her legs so her stance is wider and presses down on her shoulders. « Like that, »  
Isabelle has been begging him for Adam to teach her how to shoot. So he went to the store and bought B.B. guns, along with an entire pot of tiny orange plastic balls and a target made for shooting practice. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Adam sets the target against a tree and goes back to his niece, still analyzing her form. « Less stiff, Izzy, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« You’re the own who’s stiff, » she huffs as he puts a hand on her shoulder. She flashes him an evil grin, eyes glinting. « Waitin’ on Jaz for your _date _. »___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He and Jaz have been babysitting the kids at Sara’s all day while his sister and her husband went to some sort of work conference in Philly. They were supposed to head out for their date as soon as his sister came back, but Sara insisted on doing Jaz’s hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« You really want to talk about that after you rat me out? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« I did not, » Isabelle counters, looking insulted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________«Yes you did, » retorts Adam, badly hiding his smile. « I told your mom you said badass by the way, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Isabelle lets out an annoyed scoff. She stares at Adam incredulously. « A deal’s a deal Spunk, you better learn that quick, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________For all answer, his niece turns around in a perfect shooting position and fires up her BB gun. Adam watches as the tiny orange plastic ball sinks straight into the bullseye. Isabelle pushes her long blonde hair away from her face with a smug expression. « Jaz showed me how, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Adam smirks at the little girl, barely resisting the urge to tell her _she's _the badass one. Instead he proudly messes up her hair and brings her closer to him. « Told you she was cool, »___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Isabelle wraps her arms around Adam’s waist, glancing up at him. « Yes she is. So you’re still smidden? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Smitten, » he corrects, not answering her question._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Whatever, you still are, » Isabelle replies in a convincing tone. « Does that mean you two will get married? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam chokes at that. He didn’t expect his prepubescent niece to start pressuring him about marrying Jaz, but it’s obvious from the jubilant look on her face she wants it to happen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« You’re awfully nosy you know that? »  
She rolls her eyes once again, crossing her arms over her pink t-shirt. « That doesn’t answer my question, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Why don’t you ask her that, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Isabelle gives him a devious look that makes him wonder about Sara’s parenting style. « Maybe I will, » she winks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He’s about to tell her to keep this for herself when the back door opens, revealing Jaz. She’s closely followed by Sara, who grins proudly at her, no doubt admiring her handy work. Jaz usually favors more practical hairstyles, ponytails and top knots and braids. She’s been letting her hair down more often this summer, a testament to her more relaxed state of mind, and Adam finds he likes it. But this curly thing Sara has done is unlike anything Jaz has ever done to her hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam’s eyes run over her, from her toes painted hot pink to her red lips. She’s got a dress on, flowy enough to look relaxed and breezy, but tight enough to show her generous set of curves and carefully honed muscles, the result of hours of training._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He sees Sara catching him looking at Jaz and she casts him a smug look. « Doesn’t she look pretty, Adam? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam crosses the lawn in quick and long strides, wrapping Jaz up in his arms as soon as he reaches her. « You look gorgeous, » he whispers, not to loud so that Isabelle can’t hear them and tease him later on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She smiles back at him and he kisses her amidst Isabelle and Gabe’s whistles. Jaz pushes him away, but she’s biting back a smirk and her eyes shine brightly. « They’re a little young to get a show like that, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Come on before we miss our reservation. » Adam grabs her hand and tugs at it, pulling her towards the car. « Bye everyone, » he calls over his shoulder, ignoring the kissy faces Isabelle is making at them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam brings her to a nice little Italian place because he knows how much she likes it. The restaurant has a back deck near the water and they get a secluded table in a darkened corner. It’s one of those newly trendy places where they mix rough wood with clean metal lines and a string of lightbulbs casts a warm light over their heads, bathing Jaz into a soft glow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It makes her look even prettier and he tells her so. She tucks her chin down and looks at him through her thick eyelashes as her foot finds his under the table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz orders creamy linguine with scallops and shrimps and he picks the lasagna because it’s the thing on the menu that has the most meat. He chooses a bottle of wine from the Okanagan Valley, one he knows Jaz likes and her cheeks tinge pink from the alcohol as their near the end of their plates._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She opens up to him, drops stories about her childhood here and there. How she used to hate art classes because they required her to sit still and reach some sort of very well-hidden artistic potential. She chuckles while recalling how her teacher always threatened to make her fail, but the track coach always managed to tilt the balance in her favor since she couldn’t run if she didn’t keep her grades up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« I was a fast little thing, » she smiles over her glass of red wine, looking fondly at it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« You still are, » Adam grins at her as she twirls the rest of her pasta around her plate. Her foot slides up his leg under his pants, making him shiver. « But you’re damn dangerous, » he continues, talking about both her foot and her ability to knock people out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Yeah try growing up in the projects. That will toughen you up real quick farm boy, » Jaz winks.  
Like he’s been doing all night, Adam seizes that opportunity to push further. « How was it? Growing up in New York, » _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________A shadow passes in front of her eyes and she stays silent as the waiter comes to their table to take away their empty plates. He brings them the dessert card and she opens it, studying the choices for a few seconds before she finally speaks. « It was hard, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam doesn’t speak. He stays silent, stoic, studying her, waiting for Jaz to feel comfortable enough to keep pushing. « My parents were- let’s say home wasn’t the happiest place, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« I get it Jaz, mine wasn’t either, » he asks. He knows a lot about homes not being happy places._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« I know you said you old man used to get sloppy whenever he drank, » Jaz pulls in a steadying breath. Her eyes stay resolutely glued to the dessert menu, not looking up to him. « Mine wasn’t that better. Only he didn’t drink, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam reaches out for her at that. Whenever his father decided to fling himself at them, it had always been during a drunken haze of madness. It didn’t excuse his actions, but at least it helped to know it wasn’t really him doing that, that the alcohol had a stronger hold on his body than his father himself. He can’t imagine how hard it must have been, to know your father actually enjoys hitting his daughter for the sake of it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________His hand wraps around hers and he squeezes it. Slowly, her eyes raise up to his and it practically wrenches his heart to see them brimming with tears. This woman, who’s been so strong for the entirety of the time he’s known her, looks like she’s about to crumble. He suddenly regrets pushing her to talk about her past. « Jaz- » he starts, but she shakes her head and roughly swipes away the tears from the corner of her eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« It’s alright, » she says, voice wavering. Jaz clears her throat roughly. « You should know these things, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« You don’t have to talk about it if it’s too hard, » Adam rubs his thumb over her knuckles, itching to wrap his arms around her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« No, » Jaz shakes her head, « I want you to know everything there is to know about me, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________And Adam wants to tell her how he still loves her more than anything in this world. How there is nothing that could keep her from him, especially not an abusive asshole of a father who takes pleasure in paining his little girl. He wants to tell her he’d never do this to her, to any child of theirs, but he stops himself from doing so, partly because she’s had enough emotions for a night and he doesn’t want to break her, partly because the waiter comes back to them with coffee and a lemon tart to share._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________After they’re done with dinner and come back to the cabin, Adam proposes a walk along the lake and Jaz accepts because the moon is shining high up in the sky and it bathes everything into a dream-like glow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He pushed her further than he’d ever pushed her during their date and Jaz isn’t sure if she should feel relieved that she finally managed to open up to him, or fearful that he’ll back track as soon as he realizes the extent of the damage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam tugs at her hand to bring her closer to him, tucking her to his side. Jaz closes her eyes briefly, savoring the feel of this. The moon reflects on the lake and there’s a light wind that brings whiffs of Adam’s scent to her nose. His arms draped over her shoulder and Jaz leans further into him, nose pressing into his shirt just to get more of that laundry detergent smell she associates with him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She clings to the moment because it feels too perfect to be true._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Where do you see yourself in a few years? » Adam’s voice breaks through the comfortable silence and Jaz stops walking because her brain decided it can’t do two things at once. It’s unable to signal her body to keep on walking and wonder what exactly he means by that. Jaz senses hope blooming in her chest, quick as those spring daisies you find fully grown overnight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Yet, Jaz is used to rejection. She’s used to see her hopes crushed, her dreams crumpled, used to seeing the daisies gone as fast as they came. So she schools her features into something more assertive, less telling. « Why do you ask? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Because I see myself with you. And I- I want to know if you do too, » Adam looks nervous as he says it. He also stops walking, but he keeps her hand firmly grasped in his. He rubs his thumb over her knuckle and Jaz closes her eyes. She knows what he’s doing, he’s done that dozens of times back in Turkey. Brushing his fingers over her in the lightest of touch, trying to make her feel that he’s there for her without overwhelming her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz thinks of the way she woke up a few days ago with fear clawing at her throat, of the books and his dimple and Joe’s text on her cellphone. « You know I love you, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He looks at her oddly because they both know it doesn't answer his question. Jaz sighs, pushing her curly hair behind her ear. « Adam, you don't know everything there is to know about me. how messed up I truly am, » she confesses and her eyes look away, hiding from his gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Jaz- » Adam starts, but she shakes her head. He grasps her chin and angles her head back to him, his blue eyes frantically searching hers. She awkwardly blinks back tears, trying her best not to make this conversation too emotional._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« You’ve read my file, but its… clinical. It doesn’t say everything, » Jaz whispers, because her voice is shaky and it takes her everything not to cry at the moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Jaz- we’ve all got demons, we all have a dark side. I showed you mine, I don’t care if you have one. Just show it to me, lean on me, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________And so she does. Because he doesn’t seem to understand the extent of the damage. She pulls at her dress, exposing various parts of her body, tracing the injuries with her fingers, explaining each one as Adam’s eyes darken. « Eight years old, broken tibia, » she starts, while pointing at a nasty gash she’d always implied had come from Ranger school. « Ten, spent a week in the hospital for this. Triple fracture of the arm and seven stitches for a busted forehead, » And the list goes on and on, feeding the darkness in Adam’s eyes. She ends with the cigarette butts scars on her knees, content with just showing them. He sees clearly what caused them, there’s really no need for an explanation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________By that point, she’s not sure if she should push further, or if she should capitulate and retreat, because there is no way somebody would see something so abused and broken and decide to stay. But she needs him to know everything, so she continues with the thing she’s the most ashamed of, her first team and how she got reassigned from it. «And then there's my first CO, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________This time Adam pushes past the horror that left him stricken as she talked to reach out for her. His eyes soften, his voice velvety smooth as he once again cups her face. « Patricia told me about that. I read the whole file, things did not look good for him, » he tries reassuring her, but like always whenever someone tries convincing Jaz she’s not failing, she stubbornly refuses to listen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« He was the first person I really thought- it doesn’t matter... turned out a was just another ploy, » Jaz is crying by now and she feels Adam’s hand wiping the tears away, willing her to just look at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She does look at him, finding his form a little hazy through the curtain of tears clinging to her eyelashes. « I don’t know how to love Adam. Every time I do people turn on me. I don’t know how to be loved, how to love, I’m just- I guess I’m just broken. That’s why I clung to the job so hard for so long. But then you came in and I- I don’t know, I wanted you so badly that even after all those years, I decided why not. »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz has to stop because a sob racks through her body, so powerful it leaves her folding in half as she tries to get a grip on her body. « But the other morning you weren't there and I freaked out, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Hey, I am not those people, Jaz. There is no one in this world I love more than you. I won’t let you go, » His hand wraps around hers, his other arm pulling her flush against him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz sniffles, patiently waiting for another sob to work its way through her body. « You swear? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« I don’t know where we’ll end up or what we’ll be doing, but whenever I think of the future, it’s always a we, Jaz. Never just me. »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________This strikes a cord with Jaz. She’s been spending more and more time thinking about her future and Adam’s place in it. Up to this moment, she had no actual words to back up her assumptions. It warms her heart, like stepping into a steaming hot shower after walking back home in the fall rain. The sensation seeps into her skin, making every inch of her feel alive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« I want to spend my life with you, » Jaz whispers, her voice as shaky as a willow wisp._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He tilts his frame into hers, anchoring his hand to her face as his lips crash on hers. It’s so hot she moans into his mouth and the sound reverberates through the chilly summer night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Want to get inside? » he coaxes and she nods, biting her bottom lip to refrain herself from moaning as his hands move lower._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Yeah, » she croaks out, eyes liding as she lets herself get tugged towards the cabin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam pushes open the door when his phone rings. It’s not the normal Led Zeppelin song that usually accompanies calls from family and teammates, but a normal ring, a serious one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________They both stare at the phone and Adam squints at the screen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« It’s Hannah, » he says, suddenly looking worried._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Adam takes the call and Jaz wants to stay next to him, but he starts to pace and it feels like she’s losing her hold on him. She can’t make out the conversation, but the worried look on Adam’s face says it all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz is sitting on the armrest of his couch when he closes the phone, his go bag already in hand. She raises questioning eyes to him, because they’ve never really needed words to communicate._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« It’s Elizabeth. She’s in trouble, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: angst and feelings and the team back in action ;)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys, life has been busy lately for so many good reasons ;) so here is a fluff and angst chapter because t doesn’t seem to fit into a single category haha! 
> 
> Thank you so much for all of your lovely comments and suggestions. I just love hearing from you and it makes me want to keep writing :)

Jaz barely manages to pack her go bag before Adam is out the door. He looks focused, but tense in a way that makes her glance worriedly at him. 

« We need to get to DC, » he says, clanging his keys together. 

He’s pushing her to pack faster and it annoys her more than she’d like to admit. But Adam is visibly worked up by his cousin’s predicament, and Jaz can’t say she wouldn’t be in the same state if anything happened to her family— if she had one.

Jaz realizes with a sharp pain that she doesn’t have that kind of family, she’s got no one to be stressed over, no one to miss her when she’s gone. It’s something that’s difficult to pinpoint for her, how lonely it feels to be Jaz, and she clearly sees that this summer was so blissful because she discovered how wonderful it was to be loved and missed and needed. 

« I’m ready, » Jaz answers, her head snapping up from her go-bag. Adam locks the door behind her and heads to his truck. It’s the first time in a long time that he doesn’t reach out for her hand and Jaz finds herself standing there with her fingers closing on thin air, halfway up and meeting nothing but the space between them. 

Jaz shrugs it off as she climbs into the truck. Or rather she tries to do it, but there’s still a bitter aftertaste in her mouth. 

They’re leaving their cabin, their home and it feels unsafe. Suddenly she wonders if this couple of theirs can only exist in tiny bubbles that are secluded from the world, if they need to be cut off to work. Adam’s eyes are distant next to her and she puts her hand over his, slowly linking their fingers.

Her touch is firm, her palm hot against his goosebump-covered skin. She’s trying to convey to him how she’s not letting go, how she wants to stay by his side and act as his rock like he’s acted as hers so many times. 

Adam gives her a tight smile that makes the insides of her stomach turn around uncomfortably. It’s not like those other times were the swoop is associated with butterflies and desire and happiness, but rather a painful swerve that only makes her grow more worried. 

« Everything will be alright, » she murmurs from her place and the words take their time to reach him. She’s not surprised, the air is so thick with tension, it makes the sounds carry less. 

« I hope so, » Adam grumbles and she doesn’t like his tone. He’s unsure and worried, looking nothing like the steady Adam she knows.

They get to the airport and Jaz trails behind him. She’s never seen him in this state, in such disarray that he doesn’t even seem to acknowledge her presence. Even in her first days on the team, he wasn’t like this. Sure she’d gravitated more towards Elijah, but Adam had always been there, a steady and reassuring presence ready to jump in on the first occasion. 

In three years, Jaz has never felt like she couldn’t rely on Adam, whether as a friend or as a CO. Now, she finds that she isn’t sure about that fact anymore and it makes the ground feel unsteady under her feet. She glances at him as he retrieves their tickets from the dull-looking woman at the baggage desk. Just like his actions, his words are short. Quick and efficient. Apparently that’s what they’re going for now, and it leaves no place for things like love and affection. 

Maybe it’s because the air is too artificial here, not like the sun-warmed breeze of SoCal or the clear and pure air of the cabin. 

To Jaz, it smells familiar in a way she associates with Turkey. 

 

xxxxx

 

They’re sitting at the waiting area when Adam breaks the silence. « I’m sorry, » he says and Jaz’s mind automatically goes for the worst. 

After all that, he’s probably realized that they shouldn’t be doing this, that this thing between them should be confined to open aired spaces where structures don’t exist, not places suffocated by them like the army and the DIA. 

« It’s alright, » whispers Jaz, eyes cast to the floor. It’s partly because she doesn’t want him to see her cry and partly because she can’t see herself going without him. If she makes a scene, she’ll be pulled from the team and it feels too hard to imagine a life without Adam and the guys.

« It’s just that- Elle, well Sara and Molly were young when Penny died and- Elizabeth was the only thing I had. She was closer to me in age than my sisters and she understood. I didn’t have to be strong for her, » 

Jaz keeps staring at the floor because she knows what’s happening. She’s been on that end of that speech enough time to know it won’t end well. Not in her case at least. 

« But now- now I have you, » Adam whispers with something that sounds a lot like hope. He also sounds broken and it freaks her out because she’s the one who loses control. Not the other way around. 

He reaches for her hand and she raises her eyes to his unbelievingly. « What? » he asks when he catches her gaze. 

« Nothing, » Jaz replies in a haste and she scoots closer to Adam because he seems to have caught on to what she was thinking. « I’m there for you Adam. No matter what, » 

It seems to appease him, but Jaz knows him enough to recognize the shadow of doubt darkening his gaze so she cups his cheek and rubs her thumb over his dimple as she pulls him closer to kiss him. 

It’s not a big kiss, not passionate nor heavy, but it’s soft and patient and just _loving _.  
Adam’s fingers dig into her hair and Jaz barely resists moaning into his mouth, but the small part of her that’s still sane makes her stay silent because they’re in the middle of an airport and it’s not appropriate. __

__They’re in a secluded area, so she lets him pull her even closer, but she’s stills wary of people passing by. After all, this, her and Adam and those messy feelings tangling them together, is still fairly new and Jaz isn’t very comfortable with public displays of affection. Not when the object of said affections is still looking as shaky as a leaf during fall._ _

__The air stewardess calls for their plane and they head for the line, waiting on their turn. Jaz shows both of their passports because Adam looks incapable of doing anything at the moment. She watches the haunted look in his eyes as he shuffles his feet nervously, and Jaz feels her heart cracking a little bit. Right there, anger and annoyance melt into something else._ _

__It’s not pity because you don’t pity someone as strong as Adam. You don’t pity someone you love as much as Adam. Instead, you love them more, you let them cling to you and you hold their hand and tell them it’ll be alright. It’s not pity, nor compassion. It’s love._ _

__Jaz puts a hand on his thigh when they get to their seats and Adam grabs her hand. His hold is strong, as if he needs it to steady himself even though they’re seated. It warms her heart to see him reaching for her in time of need and she runs her fingers through his locks, encouraging him to rest his head against her shoulder._ _

__She presses a kiss to the top of his head and he closes his eyes, but his grip doesn’t ease in her hand._ _

__They stay like this the whole flight, and it says a lot to Jaz._ _

__

__xxxxx_ _

__

__Noah is the one waiting for them at the airport. « Hannah and Amir are still gathering intel at the DIA, since they knew Elizabeth and all,» he explains when Jaz asks where Amir is. « We’ll know more tonight, they have to plan and call around for favors, »_ _

__His eyes rest on their intertwined hands and Jaz does her best not to blush. Adam doesn’t even notice, which is telling because it’s so unlike him._ _

__« Good, » mumbles Adam and Jaz’s thumb traces soothing circles over his knuckles, trying to reassure him with her touch._ _

__« My car is there, » Noah keeps going as he hushers them towards the parking lot designed for speedy arrivals. « McG is coming later this afternoon. We didn’t ask Preach, figured he should stay with his family, »_ _

__« That’ll do him good, » nods Jaz as she runs her hand over Adam’s back in a soothing way. He leans into her touch and for a moment she relaxes._ _

__Adam might not look better, but he’s not distancing himself from her like he did when they first got that call. Jaz opens the back door for him and pushes him inside before joining him. Their thighs press together and he grabs her hand once again. They might be with Noah, but Jaz doesn’t protest because she’s feeling his need to be touched._ _

__

__xxxxx_ _

__

__They get to the Holiday Inn and do the check-in. There’s a room for McG and a room for Adam and her. That tells her the DIA, or at least Patricia, knows about the two of them. For them to be booking a room just for the two of them is a big deal and Jaz doesn’t hesitate to tug him towards the elevator._ _

__Adam goes to sit on the king sized bed as soon as Jaz pushes the door open. They’ve got a plush room, a better one than the ones they usually get on deployment. Jaz sets their bags down and opens her mouth to remind him that Noah is waiting when she sees his face._ _

__He looks so broken she wants to hold him against her chest and let him cry, but they both know now isn’t the time to be breaking down. Instead, Jaz sits next to him, her weight digging a little less deeper into the mattress as his, and drops her head on his shoulder._ _

__« We'll make everything turn alright, » she mutters as her hand moves over his thigh. « This is what we do and we’re good at it, »_ _

__Adam pulls her against him, slanthing their mouths together. It’s not long before their tongues battle, but it’s more about the comfort than the heat._ _

__When they break off, she finds his eyes and they look so desperate she almost pushes him on the mattress. The only thing she wants to do is to take his mind off of things, and sex is the first idea that pops into her head. But Noah is waiting on them and they need to get to wherever he is getting them to learn exactly what is happening with Adam’s cousin._ _

__« We have to go, » he whispers against her lips and Jaz nods because it’s the only thing she can do._ _

__Noah drives them to Hannah’s townhouse since she and Amir are currently there. «Patricia is just pulling strings at this point, she doesn’t need them until tonight, » he explains as rolls down Hannah’s street. He parks the car in front of the house because both Hannah and Amir’s cars are already occupying all the space in her parking. Jaz realizes suddenly how natural it seems for Amir’s car to be there, and she guiltily thinks about how she neglected talking to him this summer._ _

__Actually, she neglected all of her guys. Right now, Jaz ardently wishes for Joe’s presence. She wants to have his steady form next to hers, ready to tease her and back her up and just be there for her. It’s a different kind of longing than the one she has for Adam, but it doesn’t make her miss Joe less._ _

__They get inside without knocking, following Noah as he takes off his shoes in Hannah’s entryway. Jaz doesn’t know the analyst, not really, but if she’d had to guess where she lived, she would have thought about something like this. Soft colored walls and feminine touches. Jaz takes in the cream overfluffed cushions on the couch and the scented candles on display everywhere around the rooms. The softness, the decisive femininity of it all is cut down by Amir’s possessions. His prayer rug is sitting in a corner and his books are randomly piled here and there around Hannah’s place. She recognizes the brand of tea he always uses sitting on the kitchen counter, and his camera is perched on top of the buffet._ _

__It’s obvious Amir lives here. There’s no pretense whatsoever of the contrary. Jaz watches as Amir hands them cups of coffee and they sit around Hannah’s farmhouse table. He brushes a hand over Hannah’s shoulder in an intimate move, unapologetically showing their togetherness.  
Jaz seeks Adam’s eyes, longing for that same togetherness, but it’s like a switch has been flipped inside of him the moment they got to Hannah’s place. He’s back to being colder, to retreating from Jaz and her touch, concentrating exclusively on Elizabeth. _ _

__« I want to go to the DIA, now, » Adam says on the same tone he uses when he’s commander Adam. It’s Elizabeth Dalton and Elizabeth Dalton alone and there’s no place for Jaz Khan here._ _

__So when Noah says he has to go pick McG up at the airport, Jaz jumps up and insists she should be the one who does it. The truth is she cannot wait to get out of this suffocating atmosphere and Adam gives her a startling look as she decides to turn her attention to Noah because it’s easier. « You’re of better use than I am. You used to be CIA, you’re an analyst… let me go pick Joe up, »_ _

__Noah ponders this for a moment before he agrees, handing her his car keys. Jaz stares around the room, expecting Adam to say something, to kiss her goodbye, to throw in a little _See you later, hun _but it never comes. Instead, he tucks his head down and gives her a generic wave. As if she was back to Jaz the sniper, Jaz the subordinate. As if they didn’t spend weeks making each other come and whispering _I love yous _just for the sake of it._____ _

______It’s funny how terrified of the words Jaz was no later than a month ago, and how hard she longs for them now._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______Jaz arrives the the same airport she departed four hours ago, admittedly a little pissed, but mostly hurt by the whole thing. It’s not the situation that makes her skin crawl, but that game of hot and cold Adam has been playing. She knows he needs her right now, that grief and worry can take different forms, but right now, her own grief and anger are taking precedence over her common sense and she tells herself for the thirteenth time in an hour that putting distance between herself and the situation was a good idea._ _ _ _ _ _

______Otherwise she might do something she’d regret.  
McG knows something is wrong the second he sets eyes on her. Jaz knows it because his easy grin falters a bit and concern stretches his eyebrows in a straight line. _ _ _ _ _ _

______« Hey Jazzy, » he starts, but the usual enthusiasm is lacking. For all answer, she pushes her body off of the railing she was leaning against and launches herself at him. She wraps her limbs around his body, pressing her nose in the crook of his neck, inhaling his familiar scent._ _ _ _ _ _

______It’s something she’s grown accustomed to, that Joseph smell that’s a mix of his Irish Spring soap and fancy hair paste. Jaz has spent enough nights curled against him in his bed, inhaling that all too powerful scent as he calmed her down and coaxed her back to sleep with an unfocused hand trailing over her spine or working the knots where her neck met her shoulders._ _ _ _ _ _

______When she resurfaces and he puts her back down, she slowly unwraps her arms from him, easing her white-knuckled grip on her best friend._ _ _ _ _ _

______« I missed you, Joe, » Jaz mumbles when he gives her a questioning glance._ _ _ _ _ _

______He knows there’s something more, but he doesn’t press her on it. He never does on important things unless he’s sure she would benefit from it. For that Jaz is grateful and she reaches for his hand, squeezing it._ _ _ _ _ _

______McG releases her fingers to wrap his arm around her shoulders, holding her tightly against his side. Jaz had forgotten just how tall he is-or how tiny she is next to him- and she lets herself lean on him as they head for Noah’s car._ _ _ _ _ _

______She opens up the trunk of Noah’s small, practical Toyota and they climb into the front seats where Joe backs the seats as far as it can go to make room for his legs._ _ _ _ _ _

______« So, what’s happening with lover boy? » McG asks once it becomes clear Jaz won’t talk about it on her own._ _ _ _ _ _

______He knows without even a single word from her part that the problem is Adam. Jaz realizes she’s also forgotten that, the way everyone in the team can read each other. Some might not think of McG as a first choice when it comes to being perceptive, but with her, he is._ _ _ _ _ _

______« I don’t know, » Jaz whispers, but her voice comes out full of anguish. She doesn’t like it, how Adam has the power to turn her upside down. She wonders when exactly she gave him that power to control her emotions, when did she start letting herself lose control._ _ _ _ _ _

______« Everything seemed to go well for you two, » Joe tries and Jaz lets out a sigh._ _ _ _ _ _

______« He took me out last night, » she starts, not missing the way Joe smiles at that fact. « And we talked- about everything, »_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaz says the last word in a deliberately articulate manner so Joe will understand what exactly she’s talking about. He nods and Jaz feels glad she doesn’t have to go through the same speech again today._ _ _ _ _ _

______« So yeah, we talked about my past and then had a conversation about feelings, which led to him telling me he loved me more than anything in the world, » Jaz speeds through the last words, face burning with embarrassment and Joe stays silent, his face split between amusement and concern. « But then Hannah called about Elizabeth and here we are, with Adam either clinging to me like I’m a life vest in a category five hurricane or avoiding me like the pest, »_ _ _ _ _ _

______McG ponders on her words for quite some time and Jaz slumps back into her seat. She hadn’t realized how tight and stressed she’d been by the whole ordeal. « Maybe it’s a combination of a few things, Jazzy. His cousin being in danger paired with the two of you being officially together in front of us for the first time. »_ _ _ _ _ _

______Once again, Joseph is her voice of reason. Jaz reaches for him over the holster and he grabs her hand, squeezing affectionately. « You two are particularly not good with feelings and how to deal with them. I think he’s having an overload of them and he needs you to help him navigate through it. That’s what being a couple means, »_ _ _ _ _ _

______Shame and relief washes over Jaz and she bites hard on her bottom lip. The pain settles her breathing, which also manages to bring back her emotions in check. But because she’s also good at deflecting, she smirks at Joe. « Since when are you such an expert on being a couple? »_ _ _ _ _ _

______« I know about relationships, » he scowls, but his eyes are grinning._ _ _ _ _ _

______« Even those who last more than one night? » Jaz can’t resist teasing him._ _ _ _ _ _

______« Hey- just because I haven’t found my Adam-»_ _ _ _ _ _

______« Your Adam, huh? » Jaz cuts him with a devious smile._ _ _ _ _ _

______McG rolls his eyes at her. « Laugh all you want, Princess, but you know what I mean. Just because I haven’t found the one yet doesn’t mean I don’t want to, »_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaz makes a knowing sound just to annoy him more, but a song from last summer comes on and she cranks up the radio because it reminds her of simpler times, back when Elijah was with them and Adam was still only wishful thinking and teasing material and all they had to think about was whose turn it would be to help Kendra McGuire do the dinner that night._ _ _ _ _ _

______She’d never thought she’d one day hear McG talking about his desire to settle down and it makes her think about her own newfound desire to do so. But it only makes her think about the man she wants to do it with, and his complete emotional disarray at the moment._ _ _ _ _ _

______« Besides, we can’t all be nauseatingly in love like you and Top are, » Joe shrugs and Jaz feels her cheeks heat up._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______xxxx_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______« How exactly does Amir know Top’s cousin? » McG asks as Jaz parks Noah’s car inside the indoor garage parking at the DIA. The whole team got called in when they were at the airport and Jaz wishes she’d known it faster. She stares at her faded jeans and white t shirt and remembers how polished Hannah looked and tells herself she should have changed before leaving for the airport. Her feet are tucked into casual leather sandals that look out of place next to those suit-wearing DIA employees and Jaz walks closer to Joseph because he’s also dressed casually and she feels less alone that way._ _ _ _ _ _

______« Mmh, I’m not really sure, but I think they had an op together in Moscow when Amir was CIA, »  
The lady at the reception desk is dressed to the nines, makeup applied to perfection and she stares down at them. « Do you need help? » _ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaz doesn’t miss the way her eyes land on her leather sandals, but then they find McG’s face and he flashes her a charming smile. « Patricia Campbell’s office, please. She’s expecting us, »_ _ _ _ _ _

______With the Joseph charm completely focused on her, the lady waves them in after giving them identification cards. They’re given instructions as she bats her eyes at McG and Jaz bites back a smile, trying not to look to obvious as she knowingly smirks at Joe._ _ _ _ _ _

______He puts a hand on the small of her back as the receptionist guides them through the hallways and Jaz relishes the heath of his palm against her skin, calming her as she nears the room where Adam and his feelings and everyone’s expectations are waiting. She’s suddenly really glad to have her best friend back._ _ _ _ _ _

______There’s a chain of command that’s pretty detailed here and they get passed on to two other people, each of them with different security access. It take them a quarter of an hour to finally get through the whole maze of locked doors that can only be passed if you have the right code or proper access and Jaz feels herself growing jumpier by the second._ _ _ _ _ _

______Finally, they reach the conference room where the team is holed up as the man who’s in charge of them hushers McG and Jaz inside. Patricia gets up from her chair and offers them a warm welcome that is cut short by the urgency of the situation._ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaz scans the room. There’s an empty place next to Adam and the part of her that’s a coward clings to the hope that McG will take that chair. But Joe once again proves he knows her better than she knows herself and pushes her firmly in Adam’s direction with the hand he still has on the small of her back._ _ _ _ _ _

______So she slips into the empty seat next to her... _boyfriend?__ _ _ _ _ _

________Teammate, lover, commanding officer… the vast entity of titles he’s held jumble themselves together in her head, and through it all, one thought screams louder than the others._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________He saved her a seat _.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’s close to Patricia, a place that’s usually reserved to the most important people in the room, so it’s no coincidence the chair next to him remained empty._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________He saved her a seat. He wants her next to him. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz rolls the chair until the table digs into her belly and her hand drops under the table, reaching for his thigh. Her fingers give him a little squeeze and his foot presses over her toes, a soft pressure meant to reassure her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She wants to kiss him. She wants to hold him tight against her chest, to run her hands through his hair and whisper soft nothings to his ear. Jaz has this overwhelming need to protect him, to shield Adam from this whole world and its badness and it makes her feel unstable because she’s never felt this way before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« So let’s recap for our latest arrivals, » Patricia declares and the voices quiet down. « Hannah’s old CIA number got activated by Elizabeth Dalton last night at 1:30 PM, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Which means 8:30 PM in Ukraine, » Noah quips in, staring at his screen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« We got confirmation from the CIA that Elle was working within the Volontsov organization, » Hannah continues and Amir swipes through his tablet as images appear on the screen in front of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« They dabble in a lot of things, a little drugs, a little terrorism, mostly they rub shoulders with the local authorities because they’re under the unofficial protection of the Russian Army, but their bread and butter consists of two things: illegal arms deals and women trading, » Amir says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz casts a worried glance in Adam’s direction and she sees his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallows. Her hand on his thigh tightens its grip and the sole of his foot digs deeper into her sandal._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« She needs an exfil plan, » says Patricia. « But some people are becoming highly suspicious of her and we need to process carefully so she doesn’t blow her cover. There are still moles in the organization and their lives would be put in danger, not to mention that most of them have been planted there to stop the abduction and sale of children as sex slaves, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________This is where things get complicated, Jaz thinks. It’s not just about pulling out an operative, it’s about doing it without raising suspicion because innocent lives are a stake. She knows Adam wants to bring his cousin home, but there comes a moment in everyone’s career where you have to decide if you want to sacrifice people for the one person you love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« We’ll get her out no matter what, » Adam growls and Hannah and Noah look at him a little agast. The only ones who don’t seem surprised are Amir and Joe. Jaz puts two and two together as she realizes that they were in this exact situation a few months ago. Back when she was in Tehran and they had to decide if they wanted to risk it all to get her back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Joe had told her, during one of those nightmare-ridden nights where she’d sneaked into his bed, that Adam had almost lost it when she’d been taken. He had shot a man in the knee without a second thought, had refused to eat or sleep or even consider getting back to Turkey until he found her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It’s that tenacity, that strength and that ability to love that drew her in at first, and Jaz can’t really fault him for directing it to someone else._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« We agree on that Adam. The plan is to have at least one of you on the inside, so that’s where we introduce McGuire as Elizabeth’s boyfriend,»_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Hell no, » retorts Adam and Jaz bites back a grin as Joe raises his hands in the air as if to say _Why not?__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Well, Amir is a lot shorter than her, so it’s McGuire or you, Adam, » Noah eases, his voice calm and understanding._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________McG winks at Adam. « Fancy kissing your cousin, Top? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Patricia gives a long look to both Adam and McG before closing her hands together. « Then it’s settled. We’ll figure out a way to bring some of you in as needed. Otherwise we already have a safe house and we’ll need you on the ground for recognition work and intel gathering, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Later, when they’re done to fine tuning the latest details, Jaz feels Joe’s hand wrapping around her wrist, tugging her away. Adam is leaning over the table, pointing at Noah’s screen while Patricia nods on the side, the three of them lost in their planning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Coffee run, » mumbles Jaz to Amir as he watches them leave and he nods, looking like he understand why she needs to get away from here.  
Jaz isn’t sure she likes being in charge of Elizabeth’s security. Doing her job when its people she doesn’t know is… easier. There’s no emotions, or rather there’s a certain detachment that helps her stay clear headed to make the best possible decision. Now she will be responsible for Adam’s cousin and it seems bigger than life. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« This is going to be a mess, » Jaz predicts as she and Joe walk down the hallway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She shakes her head, lips set into a straight line and Joe tugs her closer. He stops them in the middle of the hallway, his arms wrapping themselves around her waist as he pulls her to his chest. More than ever, Joe seems to understand her need to be held and touched and loved at the moment. She presses her nose against his shirt, once again trying to lower her anxiety with a healthy dose of familiarity._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s the constancy of _him _, standing there for her, that makes her heart beat slow down to normal. McG kisses the top of her hair and she raises her eyes to meet his and it’s at that moment that she realizes her cheeks are wet and she has been crying a little.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jaz sniffles and hastily wipes her cheeks dry, a little embarrassed by her sudden outburst of emotions. But because he just knows her so well, Joe doesn’t comment on it and reals her toward the kitchenette at the end of the hallway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________« Come on, let’s go get some coffee, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________That night, Noah drops the three of them at the Holiday Inn: McG and Adam and her. She sticks to Adam’s side because she knows he needs her, but her body craves Joe’s because she craves stability and he’s the only one giving it to her at the moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She hands McG his keycard and they separate when the hallway splits in two. Jaz suddenly feels glad they don’t have adjoining rooms. She doesn’t want Joe to hear whatever’s going to happen in hers and Adam’s room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________« I’ll go take a quick shower, » Adam says as the door closes behind them and Jaz watches him disappear into the bathroom. He sounds utterly drained, like those hollowed out eggs kids paint during Easter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jaz takes both of their go bags and puts them on the wooden desk standing in the corner. She kicks off her shoes and her toes curl on the thick carpet, soft and warm under her feet. It’s the softest and warmest thing she’s touched all day long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She opens his bag first, taking out a shirt and a fresh pair of boxers along with his toothbrush and his toothpaste. Quietly, Jaz creeps into the bathroom and lays it all down on the counter next to the sink. Adam is standing under the shower head, scalding hot water running down his body in a punishing way, and she’s suddenly overcome with a strange mix of love and protectiveness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He’s standing still, staring at the white tiles ahead of him and Jaz isn’t sure he heard her coming in the bathroom. He normally would, but he’s not in his usual state of mind and she _is _quiet.  
Jaz sheds her clothes until she’s stark naked, her bare feet splaying on the warm tiles. She walks up to the shower and this time Adam’s head turns around as he hears the glass door opening and closing. ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________« Jaz-» he whispers and she wraps her arms around him, pushing them back so both of them are standing under the water. He’s shaking and shivering and she rubs her hand over his back in a soothing motion. He doesn’t cry, but he holds on to her as if his life depends on it and Jaz sees clearly how much he needs her, how this whole things is tearing him apart from the inside._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________« Shhh, » she says because there’s nothing else to say. He needs her and the comfort she can provide and she’s never been good with words._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Instead, she focuses on simple tasks: holding him until he warms up and stops shaking, shampooing his hair, rinsing the soap off of his body, scrubbing every single layer of that day until they both feel clean and ready for the challenge. It’s her way of making a clean slate, of taking care of him because somewhere in the past few months, his happiness has become just as important as hers, if not more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________When both of them are clean, she closes down the water with a flick of the wrist and grabs the fluffy white towels in the thick steam. Jaz pats them both dry and starts the fan, handing him his toothbrush. Adam goes through the motions under her watchful eye and pulls on the boxers she brought him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He goes straight for the bed as she walks back to their bags, digging through them to grab a tank top and her sleep shorts. She puts them on and brushes her hair back, trying to tame the curls before they come. The mirror in front of her shows a white and tired face and Jaz wonders if she should start putting on face cream. Maybe she should ask Hannah about it, she thinks, but she casts once glance at Adam and the thought flies away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________« Come here, I need you, » Adam murmurs as she hovers over the bed, unsure what to do. His whole body stretches into a cradle, waiting for hers to be complete._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________She wants to give a snippy remark, to say something looking like _Oh now you want me close? _But it’d be mean and he’s visibly struggling with the whole situation and Jaz’s feelings don’t matter as much as his in the moment. What’s happening to him is bigger and more worrisome than she could ever understand because she’s never had a family, never known what it’s like to be worried for someone you share blood with.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________That’s another thing that differentiate Adam and her, her lack of family. First, she’d thought it was the same as her inexistant sense of home, but now she sees it’s different. It’s not just a home, a place to belong, but rather people who have shared their lives with you, people who are willing to love you unconditionally just because you're family._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It’s something she’s come to believe is similar to the relationship she entertains with the guys from the team. But now she sees it’s not the same exactly. It’s not like the way Preach interacts with his daughters, or McG with his mother and she wonders bitterly if Adam also considers his sisters and his cousin as something more belonging to the family category than her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________« Sure, » answers Jaz before joining him in the bed. It’s a king mattress, a huge monstrosity taking all the place and the irony isn’t lost on her that they take so little place clinging to each other that they could be in a twin bed and it wouldn’t change a thing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Adam kisses the back of her neck, holding her even closer to him so that every inch of him comes in contact with her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________« I love you, » he says and Jaz tries her best to believe him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? 
> 
> Also, come and bug me on Tumblr if you want to talk feelings ;)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for the lovely comments. You guys are amazing and I love hearing from you :)

Jaz wakes up at the crack of dawn. They’re not supposed to get up for another half-hour, but once she’s awake she finds that she just can’t go back to sleep. Adam’s arm is wrapped around her waist, his whole body curled into hers from behind. 

She can feel his hot breath on the back of her neck, his beard tickling the skin there. Tucking her body even closer to his, she takes a minute to enjoy this moment, the feel of Adam next to her, relaxed and unbothered by the current events. Right there, lying in bed in his arms, with their feet intertwined, she can believe nothing has changed, that they’re back to those easy cabin days. 

It feels like he’s the one protecting her, not the other way around. 

Jaz is a sniper, and she takes pride in her ability to help her team in ways that no one but her can. She likes knowing that she’s watching the guys’ backs, that she can eliminate any problem coming their way with the simple pull of a trigger. Now, she finds that she can’t do it. Adam is in anguish, his cousin in danger, and there is nothing she can do but be there to help and comfort him. 

It’s mostly a matter of emotions and it’s something both Adam and Jaz struggle with. She wonders if she can really help him, because for the first time in her life, she can’t solve a problem by shooting at someone. 

Slowly, Jaz turns around to face Adam and his arms wrap themselves tighter against her frame, pulling her whole body into his. He’s still sleeping, looking abnormally peaceful. She stares at him, wondering what version of Adam she’ll have to face today. Elizabeth’s trouble brought conflicting emotions in him and she finds herself grasping for a solution, searching for a constantly changing way of handling Adam and the things going through his head. 

Jaz runs her fingers through his hair, his beard, her knuckles dipping into his dimple. She smiles at his face, her heart racing as she is once again struck by the strength of her feelings for him. She peppers his face with slow, soft kisses, from his forehead to his chin. 

It wakes him up and he blinks his eyes in the way people do on Sunday mornings: long and carefree. It’s obvious he’s still caught up in the pull of dreams; reality still hasn’t crashed on him. 

One of Adam’s hand goes to the back of her head, fingers tangling into her locks to bring her closer. He kisses her for a long time before he releases her with a sigh. 

« Can’t we just stay like this forever? » he asks when it becomes obvious thoughts of Elizabeth have sneaked back into his mind. 

« I wish we could, » Jaz murmurs before pulling him back to her. She needily hangs on to this moment with Adam, where there’s nothing but the two of them and their desire for each other. 

His palms trail down her waist, all the way to her ass to give it a firm squeeze and she moans into his mouth, opening her lips for his tongue. 

It’s not exactly lust that has them clinging to each other in that way, but a strange mix of desperation and need for the other’s presence. Jaz never had that pulsating need to be held and kissed and loved by another person, but things changed when Adam came into her life and she realizes she’s grown accustomed to the attention he’s been showering her with. 

It reminds her of the words the psychologist said, that Xander guy Adam is so fond of. How she should appreciate her time with her guys, but learn not to take it for granted. Except she never expected that those relationships would be cut down this way. She’d just assumed he meant that their work was an unsafe one, their lives brittle and unsteady.   
Now she sees that affection is just as fleeting. 

Both of their cellphones blast an alarm at the same time, making them break apart and fumble on their sides of the bed to turn the music off. Adam lets out a sigh and his head hits the pillow again, eyes fixed to the ceiling. 

Jaz wants to reach out to him. More than that, she wants to take everything bad away, but this is reality and she can’t so she rolls over and pushes his hair away from his forehead, her chin propped on his chest. 

« We have to go eat breakfast, » she nudges. 

« You’re right, » he mutters as he gets up to a sitting position. His abs ripple in the process in a way that would usually make Jaz salivate, but she strongly feels that changing tide that just washed over them. 

It’s time to go back to reality, to go to Ukraine to get Elizabeth Dalton out of trouble. 

They quickly go through the motions, used to packing and preparing themselves with little time after years of ops. Jaz pulls on her most bland and comfortable civilian clothes, knowing she might get asked to go on the field as soon as they step out of the plane. 

It’s unusual for him, but Adam isn’t the first one ready, so Jaz helps him finish his packing and then she tugs him downstairs to the breakfast buffet. The guys are already there along with Hannah who stayed the night here with Amir in preparation for their speedy early morning departure. None of them bats an eye at the way Jaz’s hand keeps moving over Adam’s back, sometimes pushing him forward, sometimes simply comforting him in a more intimate gesture than the guys would do. 

Jaz exchanges greetings with the guys and leaves for the buffet to fill plates for Adam and her. He barely touches anything and she has to coax him into eating. There’s not an inch of pretense about who Adam is to Jaz, what he means to her. She doesn’t stop touching him the whole time they’re at the breakfast table, constantly fussing over him. It’s funny because he’s usually the one pushing himself on her and she’s usually the one who’s prickly with displays of affection, but right this moment, she finds that she doesn’t give a shit about who might see them. 

Jaz expected to feel shy around the guys when time would come to acknowledge their burgeoning relationship, and maybe she would have been had the circumstances been different. 

When they board the plane, she senses him hovering between the clingy stage and the stoic one of CO Adam so she curls herself into him, whispering how they’ll find her, that they’ve done things with worst odds than this.

He wraps an arm around her shoulder and leans his head against hers and she knows he’s trying to draw comfort from her so she lets him. They fall asleep together like that.

 

xxxxx

 

« I’ve got eyes on her, Top, » McG says into the comms. 

Jaz turns her head as if she was looking out for cars before crossing the street, quickly finding the statuesque brunette as she walks down the square, heading in McG’s direction.  
« So do I, » she mutters as she walks up to an ice cream stand. It’s sunny out there and it’s as good a reason as any to wait in line and keep her visual on Elizabeth. Pushing her sunglasses down a little, Jaz is able to follow Adam’s cousin’s reflection through the glass window of the shoe store in front of the ice cream stand. 

Right this instant, she is walking towards the decrepit cafe where McG is sitting, her high heels marteling the paved ground.

« She knows who you are, but wave to be sure, » Adam’s voice breaks through their coms. 

Jaz’s eyes dart towards Adam’s form behind her sunglasses. He’s partially hidden by a newspaper that he’s pretending to read. Since it’s a sunny day, he also took the opportunity to put on sunglasses, the dark glasses hiding his roaming eyes. 

He’s got a phone pressed to his ear as he speaks, pretending to talk to someone in English. Jaz gives the man some money, the metal pieces clinging together into his outstretched palm as she cranes her neck and arm to reach for her cup of ice cream. 

Slowly, she pivots as she brings a spoonful to her mouth, humming in pleasure, pretending to enjoy her lazy afternoon. Jaz makes sure her camera catches the most faces around her, knowing fully well Hannah is in front of a computer, transmitting facial recognition to the DIA.

She and Amir are somewhere up there, tucked into a tiny apartment with great views of the square. Hannah is probably communicating with DC while sitting in front of a computer while Amir stays on overwatch. Jaz usually is the one in that position, but the team was adamant that she should be on the ground for this time. Albeit completely transformed, wearing a hijab and loose fitting clothes along with those ridiculously enormous sunglasses that are all the rage at the moment, Jaz is still on recognition, making her way through the crowds with her hidden camera, stopping every once in a while to peek inside a shop as she enjoys her ice cream. 

She longs for a place upstairs on overwatch, for the feel of her rifle in her hands. After all this time on leave where the only practice she had was shooting BB guns with Isabelle and earning Preach’s girls some giant stuffed animals at the boardwalk, Jaz feels like she’s been stripped away from what makes her _her_. 

She shakes her head and concentrates on Elizabeth and the way she makes heads turn. 

There’s one thing Jaz knows for sure, it’s that McG’s head turns, quick as a whip, as soon as he sees her. She’d like to say it’s because they’re playing a role where McG and Elizabeth are a couple and he’s got her memorized, but Jaz has seen McG put on the charm enough times to know that he’s planning on making a pass at the Dalton girl. 

_And there goes her best friend._ she tells herself a little sullenly. 

He’s been the one she’s turned to every time Adam decided to withdraw from her in the past 24 hours. Now, Jaz finds herself on the brink of losing her best ally.   
She is fiercely protective of her guys, that she knows. But at the same time, she’s never felt this jealous of the way Hannah was taking Amir away from them in her own way. Then again, Jaz doesn’t feel as intimidated by Hannah as she does by Elizabeth. 

She watches as McG waves at her with that cheeky grin of his, rising up from his seat. Elizabeth advances, beaming so widely Jaz thinks she wouldn’t suspect a thing if she was an outsider.

It’s obvious that McG is going for a hug, trying to show her a little affection. He _is_ supposed to be her boyfriend after all. But there’s one word for Elizabeth that comes to Jaz’s mind and that word is passionate. She throws herself at McG and kisses him with an abandonment that makes Jaz’s cheeks flush. This isn’t her trying to comfort Adam at breakfast this morning. This is full on make-out in the middle of an open-aired crappy cafe. 

Mission or not, Jaz wouldn’t feel comfortable doing this, at least not in the way Elizabeth seems to be. 

McG’s hands drift lower on her back and Jaz hears Elizabeth’s low moan through her coms. In her ear, she also hers Hannah chuckling. «The guy’s got game, » the analyst mumbles.

Jaz bites back a smile as she hears Adam loudly clearing his throat. « Wrap this up guys. Everyone to the safe house, » 

 

xxxxx

 

Jaz hovers over the comms station when she’s in the safe house. Amir and Hannah are already there, having departed quicker because they didn’t have to watch out for a tail. But Jaz has to walk back three streets and turn down a shady alley just to be sure no one has followed her. 

When she’s satisfied everyone thinks she’s just an tourist, she ducks into a bus and rides it down to the even shadier neighborhood the safe house is located in. Rain starts to fall as she hurries down the street to the grey run-down building. 

« Everything good? » asks Amir as she pushes the door close. 

She nods, quickly taking off her hijab. She doesn’t mind wearing it for missions, even likes the anonymity it gives her, but she’ll be damned if she wears it one more second than she has to. Jaz stares at herself in the mirror, cheeks reddened by the harsh wind outside, hair askew due to her hasty shedding of the hijab. 

It makes her think of her mother and the way she looked while wearing hers. Her mother had been born a catholic, one of the strong ones and she’d worn a veil to church every sunday. Those were loose fittings ones, translucent, not dark and heavy drapes like the one Jaz is wearing now. Once her mother had met her father, she’d decided to convert to marry him and no one in her mother’s family had been supportive. Jaz still isn’t sure if it’s because of a religion thing, or because her father was a stupid jackass who enjoyed paining his wife and kid. 

But once, before the drugs and the abuse and all the crap her father put her through, Jaz’s mother had been a proud woman. She was also a meek one, but she clung to enough pride and resentment to turn herself completely away from her family. She’d worn her hijab with her head held high every time she’d dragged Jaz to see her grandmother. And first it had been pride that had her wearing it even when they were indoors with just women, but it had soon became a way of covering the bruises. 

Jaz doesn’t mind the hijab. No, what she minds is what it stood for in her home.

« Adam there yet? » Jaz pushes the memories away, concentrating instead on the mission. He’s supposed to be there, but she can’t see him anywhere. 

Hannah shakes her head, eyes set on the screen in front of her. « No, but he’s near though. Elle and McG are coming. »

She wants to get by the window and survey the street, but it’d look too obvious. Instead, she settles her nerves by dressing up her riffle. She takes her time, cleans every piece and examines it with care. Guns have always been her salvation, and they’re pretty much the only thing that calm her racing heart at the moment. 

« And there he is, » calls Amir before sharing a knowing smile with Hannah. 

Jaz’s head snaps up in time to see Adam entering the room. He’s drenched from the now pouring rain, but it doesn’t stop her from wrapping her arms around him. She’s not sure which side of Adam they’ll have right now, but she figures giving him some affection can’t hurt. He holds her close to his body, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and she relaxes into his embrace. 

Briefly, Jaz wonders if this will always be like this, now that they’re together. Will she always feel this suffering pain of not knowing if he’s alright? 

« You’re trembling, » says Adam and Jaz sees Amir and Hannah adverting their eyes. They’re trying to act inconspicuous, but they’re spectacularly failing at it. 

« Must be the cold, » she shrugs and he seems to get it, that she doesn’t want to talk about what’s bothering her at the moment. 

« I can’t be good for you then, all wet like that, » Adam chuckles and for the first time in a long time, she sees mirth dancing in his eyes. « I’ll go put something dry on, »

Jaz watches him climb up the stairs two by two, go bag on his shoulder. She casts one glance at Hannah and Amir, who are still trying to pretend they’re looking at the screen, before following Adam upstairs. 

She’s greeted by the very overwhelming sight of a pantless and shirtless Adam. His wet boxers are clinging to every inch of his bum and for a moment, Jaz just stays there, staring at him from her spot by the door frame. She lets her eyes drift over his impressive body, taking in the way his abs ripple, the muscles working in his forearms as he pushes the boxers down his big, powerful thighs. 

Jaz can’t help the coil of desire that wraps itself low in her stomach and her body suddenly trembles for another reason. She feels her skin heating up as she stares at Adam’s bare ass and she can’t resist closing the door behind her. Adam turns around at the soft clicking sound, clearly startled by her presence. 

« Jaz? » he asks before he notices the fire in her eyes. She’s rewarded with a mirrored look on his face as she moves toward him, her fingers already gripping the hem of her shirt.   
It lands on a heap on the floor and Adam stares at her, silently beckoning her closer. She’s already wet, can feel her panties getting soaked through by a simple smoldering glance. It’s something, the way he stares at her right now, and her skin prickles with anticipation. 

With the whole Elizabeth thing, their sex life has been relayed to the back burner and Jaz is still human, still has needs, and those needs are never fulfilled better than by Adam Dalton. 

It seems like Adam has similar needs because she never makes it to the bed. Instead, he backs her into the door, his fingers making a quick thing of her pants and underwear. She stands there, completely naked in front of him as he drags a thick finger over her wet slit, eyes closing in pleasure as he groans. 

« You’re so wet, babe, »

Jaz arches herself into him so her breasts flatten against his chest, earning herself another groan. 

« It’s you who make me this way, » she whispers against his ear, teeth dragging along his neck before her lips close around his earlobe, sucking at it vigorously. 

« You’re gonna come, Jazzy. First on my fingers and then on my cock. »

Adam’s fingers part her folds in a decisive way and before she knows it, he’s got two of them inside of her, fucking her into oblivion. Jaz gasps and throws her head back, trying desperately to hold on to the present because it’s too much and this rough Adam is just so deliciously dirty. 

It doesn’t take him long to have her writhing and shaking with need under him, because it’s been a while and she’s horny as hell and because his fingers have memorized her and her body in no time, playing her like a violin.

Jaz comes with a small cry which gets swallowed by Adam’s mouth as he kisses her just as rough as his fingers are inside of her. 

« Quiet, hun, » he pants against her mouth and his eyes are so dark and so blue that she feels desire climb right back up in an instant. 

« How about I come on your cock? » she asks, also panting. Adam drags his teeth over her pulse point, enjoying the broken sounds he’s eliciting from her. Jaz wraps a leg around his thigh and he groans into her shoulder at the feel of his cock against her wet heath. 

« What’s the matter? » she asks. Through her eyes still hazy with lust, she sees his head get back up, looking at her with a pained expression. 

« I don’t have anything- »

« I’m on the pill, » Jaz cuts him, rolling her hips so the tip of his cock breaches through her opening. She can see it takes all of Adam’s self-control to put both of his hands on her hips and push them back from his. 

« You sure? »

Jaz nods, guiding him straight into her. Her legs wrap around around his waist as his cock stretches her, and for a moment Adam stills, his hands firmly holding her up against the door, his forehead against her chest as he tries to calm his erratic breathing. 

« God, Jaz, » he growls with difficulty. « So tight, » 

She rolls her hips a little, badly hiding a smirk as Adam hisses through his teeth. 

« You’re going to hell, »

« Yeah, yeah. What’s new? » she asks and Adam grins at her.

Their bodies are slick with sweat and it makes the whole thing a little harder, but he grasps her ass and starts to pound into her. Her whole body slams into the door and she knows there will be no denying what they were doing when they’ll get back downstairs so she doesn’t hesitate to slam herself a little harder on his cock, changing the angle so he finds that spot that’s deep inside of her. 

« Fuck, Adam, » she moans, louder than they can get away with. 

He doesn’t seem to mind, only fucks her harder. The door rattles under them and it spurs on their animalistic hunger. Adam bites down her neck, sending her in fits of curses until his thumb finds her clit and then suddenly she explodes. Her walls clamp down on him, making her even tighter and Adam mumbles something unintelligible as he buries himself to the hilt inside of her, his cum spilling everywhere. 

They stay like this for a long time, the two of them against the door, trying to catch their breaths as their chests heave. It’s Adam who finally moves, brushing a kiss over her collarbone before his lips find hers. “You have no idea how much I love you,” he whispers and this time Jaz believes him. 

It’s only when they hear McG and Elizabeth downstairs that they realize how long they’ve been there. In a haste, they put some clothes back on over dried sweat and messed up hair. Jaz doesn’t need a mirror to know she probably has a hickey or two and that her makeup is smudged. She licks her fingers and tries to wipe down the mascara under her eyes, but Adam is already pushing the door open and she hurries after him. 

McG eyes the two of them with amusement, his eyes settling on her neck and Jaz wants to roll her eyes, but she’s saved by Elizabeth who literally throws herself into Adam’s arms.   
« I can’t believe you’re here, » she shrieks, beaming at Adam. Looking at them is a little unsettling because she has those Dalton blue eyes that are so mesmerizing and she smiles that same easy smile that’s all Adam. But the thing that catches Jaz’s attention is the dimple into her left cheek, identical to the one she has traced so many times on Adam during their nights in California. 

Then it’s a flurry of hugs and welcomes because Elizabeth has spent the last hours learning who McG is, and she knows everyone in the room except for Jaz. She makes herself small, ninja-like and silent. Her dark eyes stay glued to the girl who looks too much like Adam as she smiles at everyone, looking at her ease. 

Jaz envies the way she holds herself, as if nothing could throw her off, and she finds herself retreating towards McG because he’s the one who has her back and he’s a familiar sight in a see of unknown. 

When the initial commotion has passed, Elizabeth realizes Jaz’s presence and she turns toward her. Adam automatically walks forward, motioning for Jaz to do the same. She begrudgingly does it, warming up when Adam’s hand touches her shoulder. 

« Elle, this is Jaz. She’s my- »

« You’re his badass sniper, » cuts Elizabeth and Jaz stays stoic. Her eyes flicker from Adam to his cousin, not really sure what she should do. She wants to finish Adam’s sentence, to present herself as his girlfriend, but she’s never done so and the feelings are real. 

Besides, he’s not pushing further to introduce her as something more than his sniper and it kind of hurts. Jaz nods curtly and moves back to the end of the room, next to McG, because it’s not her place to say these things. If Adam wants them to be together like he’s told her, he has to admit it in front of people. 

But the conversation turns to something unimportant about some old CIA friends and Adam stays by his cousin side. Jaz keeps her eyes on the screen in front of her, pretending to be monitoring the cameras Hannah and Noah managed to hack. She’s always been good at pretending everything was alright, she’ll keep doing it if she has to. 

 

 

xxxxx

 

 

Dinner is a more lavish affair than it should be. Amir cooks a storm and they end up eating in the living room because there aren’t enough chairs for everyone. Adam is next to her, but he could be miles away and it’d be no different. 

McG is literally enthralled by Elizabeth. It’s not in the way he usually flirts with girl, acting all smooth and charming. This time, he’s the prey, even if Elizabeth doesn’t looks like she’s hunting. Jaz feels the sting of it all, even if she knows she shouldn’t. Elizabeth is a pretty girl and McG likes pretty girls. 

She feels something like jealousy creeping back on her so she stays away from the conversation because it’s suddenly a Dalton party and she doesn’t trust herself not to say something hurtful. Where Sara and Molly made place for her, it seems like Elle burns more brightly, pulling everyone in. 

« So what happened exactly? » asks Adam once they’re halfway done with their dinner. Jaz’s spoon tumbles back into her bowl with a clatter. It’s the first time in the whole evening she feels like she belongs. 

« You surely know the basics about the op, » starts Elizabeth. The team members nod, but it’s Adam’s eyes she’s looking for. « I started working with them about 18 months ago. First some… freelance stuff I guess. But then I gained their trust and I climbed into the hierarchy. They mostly used me for stuff in London, sometimes in the old soviet states. Wherever my language skills could be used. There’s some sort of government event where all the big heads will be in a week. That’s when we were supposed to bug the Volontsovs, »

« We? » Amir asks and Elizabeth’s face grow somber.

« Anthony and I. My contact. He got killed a week ago. »

« Anthony Kern, yeah, we got that on our files, » informs Hannah, suddenly typing away on her tablet. 

« I panicked. He was the only one I knew, the only one helping me. That’s when I contacted Hannah with her CIA number. I thought you were still in service, »

Hannah shifts uncomfortably on the couch and Jaz notices how Amir tugs her closer. Adam seems to know what the fuss is about and Jaz makes a mental note to ask him later. 

« Ok, » Adam claps his hands together. « New plan. We’re going to be your Anthony. We bug them and then we get you the hell out of there. It’s time for you to come home, Elle. »

« Getting McG in won’t be a problem, » nods Elizabeth in a thoughtful manner. « We planned on bringing Anthony on as my boyfriend from London, so as long as he can do a British accent we could pretend he’s Harry. »

« That would work, » Hannah keeps on typing as she bobs her head up and down. « Any chance we can try to bring those two in too? We can say Jaz is McG’s sister, that he brought her along. »

« We’ll have some fine tuning to do, but I really don’t see how we can bring Adam in. » 

« We just say he’s Jaz’s boyfriend, » shrugs Amir. « Should be easy enough for these two, »

Jaz doesn’t miss the way Elizabeth sets her attention on her and Adam. It’s only then that she seems to catch on that she’s more than _Adam’s sniper_. Jaz feels herself growing more and more uncomfortable under the other woman’s scrutiny, jamming her knee into Adam’s thigh. He lays his palm over her knee and Jaz lets herself smile a little, her eyes glued to the ground. 

 

 

xxxxx

 

 

« I didn’t know you were dating my cousin, » Elizabeth says as she and Jaz walk down a street. They’re both dressed into tight and revealing outfits with heavy makeup and it feels to Jaz like she’s walking into someone else’s skin. Her hair is free, blowing in the wind and she suddenly wishes she wasn’t stuck having to make small talk with the CIA agent all afternoon long. 

« Yeah, it’s pretty recent, » Jaz replies. She grabs her phone and puts it into selfie mode, pretending to be checking up on her lipstick as she uses the camera to look behind her. There’s no sign of anything suspect, but she does see Amir tailing them from behind. 

« Mmh, Adam never had a girlfriend. Well unless you count Christina, but let's say no one cried when they decided to call it quits. »

 _Christina_

That’s the woman Adam had been seeing when she first joined the team. Elijah had filled her in on the gossip, how their CO had someone back at home, a girl who first seemed sweet, but who had now grown increasingly jealous. A month after her arrival, Elijah had told her about the breakup, which was long overdue according to Preach. Jaz had been ashamed of the hope she had felt booming inside her chest. 

« I like you a lot more than her, » Elizabeth keeps on going. She walks around like she owns the place, stopping once in a while to stare at shoes and handbags, but Jaz knows this tactic, she often uses it as a way to make sure she’s not tailed. 

« That’s… good to know, » Jaz mumbles to herself, but the girl catches it and she smiles at her. Jaz still isn’t sure on what foot to dance when it comes to Elizabeth. She seems to just radiate… something that makes people stop and stare and that makes her look a little unattainable. 

« Oh, » suddenly says Elizabeth and Jaz’s head snaps back up. « There he is, »

The object of their fascination isn’t yet aware of their presence. Yevgeny, the younger, smaller and bulkier brother of clan leader Valery Volonstov, is walking down the decrepit street. He has a blonde girl on his arm that giggles in a voice as loud as her outfit. 

« Ok, Jaz, time for introductions, » Adam says in her coms. She knows he’s sitting at another cafe near her, still playing the tourist card. For some reason it warms her heart to know he’s there, close by and within her reach. She’s not exactly scared for his security, because he’s always been the first one she turned to whenever she was in trouble on the field, but Jaz finds herself constantly looking out for him anyways. She knows exactly why that is; because his head has been messed up ever since he got that call from Hannah.   
It seems like their idyllic cabin time is worlds away now.

Jaz and Elizabeth advance toward the couple, planning on _coincidentally_ bumping into him, so Elizabeth can casually slip how her boyfriend came to Ukraine with his sister. 

« Kat, » calls out Yevgeny as soon as he spots them. Elizabeth raises her head from the flowers she had just been pretending to admire, hey eyebrows raised into a surprised arch that impresses Jaz. Elizabeth’s theatrics are good, excellent even, and it makes her fear the girl even more. 

« Yevgeny, » greats Elizabeth, warmly embracing him. Jaz stays a little bit in retreat, pretending shyness to observe further. The camera on her necklace is sending images straight to DC and Hannah who are no doubt analyzing every single thing they can find on the youngest Volontsov.

Yevgeny’s eyes settle on Jaz with an intensity that makes her skin crawl. Jaz nonetheless casts him an appraising glance as she tucks away her sunglasses, once again thinking she’d much rather have Adam next to her on this one. 

« You have a charming friend here, Katarina. Care to introduce us? » he asks, still eying Jaz until she feels the back of her neck prickling uncomfortably. 

« This is Isla, Harry’s sister, » waves off Elizabeth. « He decided to turn our little romantic getaway into a family vacation, » 

« Well, family is important, » says the Russian as his hands drift down his girlfriend’s ass. Actually, Jaz isn’t even sure the blonde woman hanging in to his every word is Yevgeny’s girlfriend. Not with the way he’s staring at Jaz. 

« So what do you do Isla? » he asks and Jaz gives him a slick smile, raking her fingers through her messy curls. 

She takes out her best British accent, making sure she lays it thick on the sass. « Officially I’m a waitress, but I do dabble in the family business, » 

« The family business? » 

Jaz laughs a laugh that’s too loud and too brash to be proper, but it only seems to fuel the fire in Yevgeny’s eyes. « Stolen cars and other stuff, » 

This time there was definite interest from the Russian. « That’s your idea of family business? » he asked Jaz before turning to Elizabeth. « You know how to pick them, Kat, »

« It’s a respectable profession, » grins Jaz, hoping that encouraging Yevgeny interest might make him less suspicious.

He winks at Elle. « I like your friend, bring her and her brother tonight, » 

Jaz feigns innocence, turning to Elizabeth like she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. In her ear, McG is whispering _Bingo_ from his spot in overwatch.

 

 

xxxxx

 

 

« You didn’t really have to come, » Jaz grits through her teeth. 

« This is not up for discussion, Jaz, » firmly says Adam. She’s annoyed at him and he knows it and yet, he still uses his commander voice, the one he pulls out when she does something particularly unruly or when she questions his orders a bit too vehemently. 

But this isn’t really a mission, and things have- well things have changed. Now they’re sleeping together, they’re sort of dating- or being as close to dating as you can when you’re Adam and Jaz and more than half of your year is spent saving lives in Turkey- and she’d thought it’d be a bit different. 

Jaz shakes her head, it’s ridiculous to think Adam would weight in her opinion more just because the two of them are fucking. Him making her come shouldn’t affect how he takes decisions regarding her. It spikes up his jealousy, though, because he insists on coming to that party the Volontsovs are throwing, his hand firmly clasping hers. 

She huffs and Adam stops her for a moment, letting Elle and McG walk by. It gives them a little privacy and they hold on to it because it’s a luxury these days.

« I don’t trust those guys, » he tells her once he’s cut down their coms. 

« You don’t trust me, » Jaz retorts and Adam’s eyes set on her, angsty and hard. It makes her swallow. 

« I do, Jaz. I really do. But I want to be sure you’re alright, that everything is alright. I need this, can you understand? » Adam confides and this time, it’s the anguish on his face that has Jaz nodding. She kisses him, half because she wants to reassure him and half because it’s been a while since they’ve done so just for the sake of kissing each other and she misses it. 

A few steps ahead, McG and Elizabeth are waiting on them, and Jaz tugs at Adam’s hand. « Come on, they’re waiting on us,»

This party is primarily used for intel gathering and facial recognition, but they Jaz mainly focuses on dodging Yevgeny’s wandering hands. Adam does most of the job, tugging her closer and making a show of nuzzling her neck, but it doesn’t stop the Russian from leering at her. 

He kisses her particularly hard and she moans into his mouth, not even caring that the guys and Hannah are probably hearing and seeing everything. Thankfully they’re on a close feed and DC only has access to Adam whenever he wants to talk to Patricia.

Yevgeny still doesn’t get the hint and Jaz grows more and more uncomfortable under his gaze, willingly stepping into Adam’s protective bubble. She’s suddenly very happy him coming with her was _not a discussion _and Adam seems to feel it, because he keeps her even closer, his fingers digging into her hip in a borderline painful way.__

__« Adam, » Jaz whispers, moving her body closer to his as she sees Yevgeny making his way to them._ _

__« Phillip, » he corrects with his best British accent._ _

__« Well Phillip, he’s coming, » Jaz’s eyes fly up to the man she’s been avoiding all night long, her face changing to flirty as Adam brushes kisses over the hollow place behind her ear._ _

__« Well turn on the charm, dear, » he whispers against her skin._ _

__Jaz is suddenly remembered of the last time he’d used that word on her. In Hossein’s store, right before they worlds changed forever. She’d just spent an entire seven hours pretending to be blissfully married to Adam, playing their part for the airplane passengers and the airport security. Then they’d gotten into a car and that ring on her left finger had felt like a burning lie, a reminder of everything she’d tried so hard not not to want, but still did._ _

__He’d made a comment about her getting her ring off as soon as they were out of the airport and she’d shrugged it off as a joke, but it had thrown her off her game. Those measle seven hours had been enough to change everything, to make her desperate to prove herself to him. What exactly she’d been trying to prove, Jaz hadn’t known, but she’d been inhabited with this pulsing need to show him just how good she was, how strong she could be, how worthy of him she truly was._ _

__Jaz steadies her breathing, chasing the thoughts away, as Adam keeps on sucking her earlobe. « Yevgeny! » she calls animatedly, pressing a palm to Adam’s chest to push him away._ _

__He drapes an arm around her waist, looking smug, playing his role to perfection._ _

__« Isla, » greets Yevgeny. « I saw Katarina and your brother, but I didn’t expect to find you accompanied, »_ _

__« I brought my boyfriend, » she answers, eyes trailing over Yevgeny before flashing him a coy smile. « I hope it’s not a problem, »_ _

__The Russian gives her a once over before his face settles into a sly expression that does nothing to ease Jaz’s nerves. « Not at all, » he says in a smooth way. « How about we find you two a drink and a seat? »_ _

__He brings them to a secluded table in a darkened corner, setting three glasses and a bottle of vodka in front of them. Next to it is a small glass dish that contains an arrangement of delicacies, herrings and caviar spread on crackers and pickled onions. Jaz picks one and pops it into her mouth, humming as she does so, eyes set in Yevgeny’s dilating pupils.  
Adam pulls her into his lap, his fingers once again buried into the skin of her hips. She’s already feeling the bruises blooming under her skirt and she interlocks her fingers with Adam’s, trying to ease his grip. _ _

__They settle into an easy conversation, talking about their respective family business. After all,the Volontsovs trust Kate and she’s supposed to be Kate’s family.  
Elizabeth and McG are busy playing couple on the other side of the room, talking with Valery Volontsov. The plan is going well for now, Elle and McG are on the older brother, Jaz on sweet talking the younger one._ _

__She needs to make him believe he has a chance with her. It seems like the easiest angle to use right now. Her hand slides down Adam’s thigh, her fingers tap the side of it and he gets the message._ _

__« I have to use the loo, » he calls as he gets up, holding Jaz’s waist as he does so._ _

__She waits until he’s made his way to the other side of the room to sit back in the chair and give Yevgeny her full attention, hoping her face is full of lust. It’s a hard thing to do, feigning interest for somebody who’s so disgusting._ _

__« Your boyfriend is jealous, » he calls. His hand is dangerously close to her thigh and Jaz stares at it through her lashes._ _

__« People are rarely jealous for no reason, » she winks, trying her best to channel her inner vixen._ _

__The Russian seems to like her answer. He throws a caviar covered cracker into his mouth and drags his foot along the length of her leg, stopping at her knee. « Is that so? »_ _

__Jaz raises an eyebrow, and turns so her hair cascades down her back. « Well, it’s a rare occurrence for someone to search trouble where there’s none, »_ _

__« What do you mean by that? » he asks, obviously liking this little exchange._ _

__« That I’m trouble, » she says, giving him her best devilish glance._ _

__He smiles at her and Jaz can practically hear McG calling _Bingo_ in her ear. « I can see that, »_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only a few more chapters left and I'm not sure if it makes me happy or sad :/ Anyways, tell me what you think of this one ;)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It feels an awful lot like a break up, and it’s been a while since Jaz had one of those.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t hate me. Also big thanks to iCarryyourheart for reading my things when I got insecure ;)

For the third night in a row, Jaz wakes up to an empty bed. Just like that morning at the cabin, her hand reaches for him and her head turns on a swivel when her fingers close on cold and empty sheets. 

Jaz is a little ashamed to admit it, but she still panics. Adam has always _been there_ , whether it was at the Quonset, a safe house or a hotel room when they got lucky enough after hard missions. That morning at the cabin had shaken her, more than it should have, and Jaz had been so sure her problems were over when she’d finally talked with Adam. 

She goes back to that tearful night where she told him everything bad there was to know about her, but she doesn’t dwell on the tears and that heart wrenching feeling. Instead, she dwells on the way he held her in his arms, how he told her he loved her more than anything and that he could only imagine a future with her in it. 

He’s been growing distant again, and as much as Jaz clings to those words, she can feel her hold on them weakening by the minute. She understands how Elizabeth is family and family is important, especially when you’re trying to complete an op with so many dangerous and unsteady variables. But she also thought _she_ was Adam’s family, that he would lean on her because that’s what couples do when things go rough; they share the burden. 

Instead, Jaz wakes up night after night to an empty bed, a reminiscence of her days where she spends most of her time glued to McG’s side or intruding on Hannah and Amir’s burgeoning relationship. She doesn’t care that Adam spends most of his time with Elizabeth, but she does care that she’s been tossed away like an old rag the moment his cousin asked for help. 

Jaz’s bare feet hit the floor and she soundlessly walks down the hallway, stopping next to the stairs to eavesdrop on the conversation below. Adam and his cousin are still up, even in the wee hours of the morning, and tonight seems to be about laughter and memories. It’s a lot more airy and a lot less dramatic than the tears she heard yesterday, not that she mentioned them to Adam. Jaz feels that her footing with him is already precarious as it is, so she isn’t inclined to throw oil on the barely maintained fire. 

Instead, she swerves around and heads for McG’s room. He’s totally enamored with Elizabeth, more so than she’s ever seen him be, but he’s still her friend and Jaz knows he’s caught her looking wistfully at Adam more than once in the past week. 

Jaz doesn’t knock, mostly because she’s never bothered to knock on McG’s door. They’ve been slipping in and out of each other’s bed for a long time now, searching for comfort or just a fellow human whose warm weight can be used to bring steadiness to a restless mind.

« Joe, » Jaz whispers, shaking his shoulder. He’s once again shirtless because the boy can’t resist chucking his shirt any chance he gets, but although Jaz has always been able to appreciate the sight of him, all suave looks and defined muscles, she quickly found out she was immune to the charm. Roughened looks and blond locks seemed to work so much more on her. 

McG stirs, looking up to Jaz. « Something happened? » 

Jaz wants to say that a million things went wrong, that she doesn’t understand anything anymore. Life used to be simple, but then Adam barreled into her life and then everything she’d known to be true suddenly seemed shaky, different. 

Instead, she swallows back her words, hoping her obvious distress will be enough to warrant her a place in McG’s bed. « No, »

He studies her long and hard, not in this calculating way Adam does, but in a manner that’s all McG. Easy going and boyish, but still concerned. « What the matter? » he asks because he knows her too well. 

« My bed was empty, » she mumbles and McG doesn’t respond. Instead, he pulls the covers enough for Jaz to scoot under them. His eyes never leave hers and he waits on her to continue, unwavering. « I just need- can you hold me? » she finally sighs, evading his softened expression. Jaz hates needing someone and she’s always prided herself on being self reliant. That self reliance has been the basis of all her interactions since she turned five, and she’d been determined to keep it that way when she’d first joined Top’s team. Instead, she’d found herself buried under an inordinate amount of love that had forced her to open up, to rely on others, and eventually, to let Adam all the way in. 

Right now, Jaz isn’t really sure it was the right thing to do, to let Adam in, but she doesn’t doubt McG’s love for the moment, so it’s in his arms that she ends up. 

« Sure, Jazzy, » 

He maneuvers her so she ends up curled against him, half sprawled in his chest, her fingers holding on tight to his waist. 

Jaz’s cheek flattens out against his warm skin and she lets herself exhale completely once her body finally stops fighting this urge it has to be next to Adam. 

McG’s palm spreads against the small of her back, his other one moving to her hair, his fingers combing through the locks until she feels her eyes grow heavy. Jaz didn’t plan on falling asleep there when she first came to McG’s bed, but her mind completely shuts down as her body relaxes into his embrace. 

Every inch of her is tired of this fight for Adam, this quest for someone who doesn’t even seem to care half the time. And even though it’s not the same, what she and Joe have, her body recognizes a warm body here that is familiar and full of strength and hell bent on protecting her while the only thing waiting for her in her room are bitterly cold sheets. 

So Jaz buries her nose in the hollow of her best friend’s neck, inhaling his familiar scent, letting his fingers run against her scalp, slowly pulling her to sleep. 

 

xxxxx

 

« McG, have you seen Jaz? » 

Adam’s voice startles both McG and Jaz awake. He asks his question loudly, and in her hazy state, Jaz barely registers how his voice is heavy with fear.  
Instead, she notices the door opening just as McG’s arms tighten their hold on her. 

« McG? » Adam asks before he freezes in the doorway. 

Jaz raises her head from Joe’s chest. She freezes as soon as her eyes focus enough to meet Adam’s frigid glance. He’s angry. Not that he’ll ever say it. Adam crosses his arms over his chest in the doorway, his silence speaking volume.

« She’s right there, Top, » McG croaks out as he sits up in the mattress, pointing vaguely in Jaz’s direction. 

« Well breakfast is ready, » Adam curtly bobbing his head in their direction before leaving. Even by the swing of his steps, Jaz can tell he’s angry. She gets why he could be upset, but this jealous outburst of his is unexpected. He’s known about her and McG’s sleeping arrangement for years and hasn’t once voiced a single complaint. 

Yet here they are, with an angered Adam, all because Jaz needed some affection he couldn’t give her the night before. She closes her eyes, resting her forehead on her knees, forcing herself to inhale and exhale profound breaths. 

« I’ll talk to him, » tries McG and Jaz shakes her head. 

« Don’t, Joe, » Jaz stops him. « It’ll only make it worst. And this discussion has been a long time coming, »

Jaz scampers out of Joe’s room, heading for hers. It was supposed to be the one she shared with Adam, but lately she shares it with her loneliness. Right now, however, it’s very occupied by Adam and his rising temper. 

She freezes in the doorway, their eyes hooking in a worldless duel. « Want to tell me what this was about? »

« Me? » he asks her, looking incredulous. « You’re the one I find in some other guy’s bed and _you’re_ asking me what that was about? »

« It’s McG. Nothing happened, » Jaz rolls her eyes. Her voice is starting to chip off, barely containing her own rising anger. 

« I sure hope so, » he shouts, obviously grasping for the last threads of his carefully crafted control.  
Jaz has known Adam for three years, and never in those three years has she ever seen him so close to losing it. They’ve diffused bombs and rescued kids that were taken hostages, but this, finding her and McG sleeping together, is the one thing that tips him off the edge. 

« You’re the one spending every night with Elle, »  
The words come out of her mouth before she can truly think them through. They’re petty and childish, but she realizes they’re also true. She went for spending every second of her time with Adam, from having him painstakingly reassuring her time and time again that she was his entire world to realizes she might as well be erased the moment they stepped back into their job, their true reality. 

« She’s family, this is different, »

« No it’s not. He’s mine too, » Jaz barks out. Her cheeks are heating up and she knows the team will hear them shouting from downstairs, but she’s too mad to care. Or rather she’s too hurt to care and she doesn’t have the mental capacity Adam has to store away her emotions. « And the fact that you can’t see that tells me you know me a lot less than I thought, » 

Tears prickle her eyes, making them burn as she madly blinks them away, turning away from Adam and the feelings he elicits. She doesn’t want to have those feelings, doesn’t feel secure enough in this new relationship of theirs to truly take the time to sit down and analyse them. It feels an awful lot like a break up, and it’s been a while since Jaz had one of those. She’d forgot how heart wrenching they were, how they could put you down faster than any bullet, and she tries her darn hardest not to linger too much on the feeling. 

Everyone knows something is up when she gets downstairs. Jaz can feeling Elizabeth’s eyes on her, but she refuses to meet anyone’s glance, focusing on filling her plate with Amir’s latest concoction before moving to the back of the room where Hannah is at the computer, facing the wall. 

She hears Adam’s footsteps when he gets down the stairs and she keeps staring at the screen, tearing a little too hard at the piece of toast she’s munching on. It doesn’t stop her eyes from once again filling with tears and Hannah grabs her hand over the table, squeezing affectionately.  
Adam’s eyes burn down her back thorough breakfast, and Jaz does her best to help Hannah with the task they’ve been assigned, resolute in her pain and pride. 

They’re supposed to bug the Volontsovs tonight, a delicate operation that requires everyone’s complete cooperation. Jaz knows she’ll have to talk to Adam eventually, to push aside this morning’s talk or fight or break up, whatever comes their way, but she hangs in to her last minutes of ignoring him. 

It comes as no surprise when he calls her up for a talk an hour later. Jaz begrudgingly follows him, arms crossed. She walks inside their room, sitting down on the bed as he closes the door behind him. 

Her heart tremors in her chest and Jaz braces herself for what’s about to come. As mad as she is about the whole situation, she _is_ in love with him and she doesn’t want to hear the finality of his words. 

« I’m sorry, » Adam says calmly. Jaz raises surprised eyes to him. He’s a lot of things, but proud is not one of them. She knows he’s quick to apologize, but she honestly didn’t expect an apology. 

« I understand I’ve been quite...distant lately, » he continues and Jaz stays rooted to her spot, not quite believing what’s happening. He crosses the room and sinks down on the mattress next to her, his hand reaching for hers. 

Jaz feels her eyes growing itchy and before long, they’re splotchy and red as she tries her best not to cry. « Yeah, you’ve been distant, » she croaks out. 

« Jaz, baby girl, I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry, so so sorry, » he says as he turns her around so they can face each other. His eyes are big and wide and _desperate_ and Jaz melts down. After all, she’s never been able to resist him. 

« You gotta let me in, » she mutters as he grabs her hand in between his. Her tiny palm disappears under his thick fingers and she swallows. « This isn’t the job where you’re alone, it’s real life. I can help you if you let me in, » 

« I know, I’ve messed this up, » Adam tells her. « I couldn’t find you and I panicked, but I saw you in McG’s bed and I just- snapped, » Jaz has no idea if it’s Elizabeth or McG’s doing, but she’s happy Adam is finally talking to her. 

« You’ve known that we sleep together for a long time, Adam. There’s nothing going on, he’s like my brother, » Jaz’s voice is so soft it surprises even herself. She’d never thought she could one day be that patient, that caring for someone. Maybe it’s because though people save their softness for the most special people in their lives. « I needed a human touch, I needed someone to talk to me, I needed you to _talk to me_ , »

Those are the same words he’d used in her when they’d rescued her from Tehran. Back then, she hadn’t dared look at him, but the heath of his body against her back had brought her more comfort than she would have thought possible. 

Jaz had known for a long time how different their relationship had been, how special Adam was to her. He didn’t fit into that neat box where she put the rest of the guys. He was messy and larger than life and Jaz was usually content with letting him occupy whatever place was empty at the moment, ignoring just how big he was growing, how much place and importance he was taking. But at that moment, after being so sure she was never going to see him again, she clung to his touch, squeezing herself even closer to him. When he’d put his hand on her arm, she hadn’t protested, had even leaned into his touch because she’d figured out she could allow herself that moment where her guard was down and Adam took over. 

Now, Jaz wants to be the one to take over for Adam, just like he’s done time and time again for her. « I love you, Adam. But if we want this to work, you and I, we have to talk, to let each other in and we have to trust the other. I’d never do anything to hurt you, » 

To her surprise, Adam’s eyes are shiny. He’s nodding, his hands gripping hers even tighter. There’s something heavy resting over Jaz’s chest and she wants nothing more than for the past 24 hours to disappear. 

She pulls him down and his mouth crashes on hers. Jaz clings to his shoulders, trying to push every inch of his torso against her body, pressing her breasts into his touch, smiling as he groans at the sensation. 

Angry sex it is then, since it always seem to fix everything. It’s not long before both of them are naked and then she’s on her back and he’s hovering over her, his eyes boring into hers as he slams his cock inside her body.

It sends a shock wave down her spine and she arches her back as she cries out his name. There’s nothing sweet or gentle about the way he takes her and Jaz gives it back to him trust for trust. 

Both are trying to make they mark on the other, to channel their anger into the pushes and pulls, the sensations heightened as pain and pleasure mix. 

It doesn’t take them long to come, clinging to sweat-covered bodies through their releases. Jaz struggles to catch her breath and leans against Adam for a moment, her fingers softly running through his locks. 

« We have to go back downstairs, » he murmurs against her pulse point and it makes her shiver. Even apart, her body can still feel his cock pulsing inside of her. Adam grins and rakes his teeth against the spot, making her moan then giggle before she pushes him away. 

« I’m supposed to seduce Yevgeny and I doubt a hickey will help, » Jaz groans. Adam pushes himself away and Jaz barely resists the urge to bring him back to her for another round. She’s missed him and she doesn’t want to go back downstairs where everything is drama and plans and calculations. 

« I guess you’re right, » says Adam as he starts to grab their things from the floor. He hands her back her shirt and she takes it, passing it over her head as Adam zips up the fly of his jeans.  
McG makes them funny faces when they downstairs because he’s McG, but the rest of the team simply looks relieved to see that Jaz and Adam are back on speaking terms 

They all sit down around the big dinner table and Hannah starts to brief them, already comfortable in her role as a real life deputy director. 

« Elle will take care of Valery with Joseph, » starts Hannah as both Elizabeth and McG nod seriously. For all his antics, the medic knows when to be serious and work hard. « That means one of you need to be a distraction while the other slips into Valery’s room and bugs his computer. If you can swap his cellphone battery, that would also be great, but we’re looking for the computer here, » 

« Joe will distract, » grins Elle. « Valery is enamored with him, » 

« Who isn’t? » cheekily asks McG and Jaz rolls her eyes, but she notices how Elizabeth’s cheek tinge with pink. 

Unfortunately, she doesn’t have time to dwell on it because Hannah launches into the Yevgeny briefing. 

« Jaz, you bring Yevgeny in the bedroom. This one, » Hannah flips the computer and points at a specific place on the blueprints they have. « If you can manage to change the battery you’re golden. Then Adam comes in and gets pissed off at you, which makes for a good exit strategy, » 

Jaz glances back at Adam, more out of habit than of need and he gives her an imperceptible nod. Words are unnecessary between the two of them, always have been. 

 

xxxxx

 

« You look good, Jazzy, » 

Jaz expected to hear this from Adam, but it comes from McG instead. Adam is lost in his own head, stuck in CO mode and Jaz does know he can’t help it. 

« Thanks Joe, » she grins, shimmying into her pretty dress. It’s a revealing number with a short hem and a plunging neckline and Jaz hasn’t felt this feminine in a long time. 

« Come on you two, » says Adam, staring up from the screen. « Show time, » 

 

xxxxx

 

Adam drags her somewhere well into the Russian’s view and he starts to kiss her. His hands wander down her body, exploring more than is appropriate in a public setting, but it’s the goal and Jaz really can’t say she doesn’t like it. He’s pressing kisses down her neck when Jaz finally catches Yevgeny’s gaze. 

It’s a hot one that’s loaded with lust and something that definitely doesn’t fall in the innocence category and Jaz attempts to mirror it. 

She turns around in Adam’s hands, her mouth hovering over his ear as she pretends to send him away and he lets her go and head to the bathroom so Jaz can work her magic on the Russian. 

Yevgeny is by her side in a minute. He grabs her by the waist and Jaz thinks to herself that this was quick, how all pretense was thrown out the window. 

Before she knows it he’s the one nuzzling her neck and she channels every single actress gene she has to pretend she’s enjoying this. There’s a reason why Jaz doesn’t like honeypots and it’s a harder thing to do now when she knows there are cameras everywhere displaying her acting on screens in DC. 

« How about you show me your room? » she asks him in a sultry voice. Her hands splay on his chest, and her nose skims his face and he drags her to the said bedroom, the one where Hannah and Amir agreed she should take him because there are more ways to get out if things go south. 

Jaz backs him up against the door as soon as they enter, telling him not to bother with the light for now. He kisses her with an ardor that borders on the painful, and it’s not a pleasant feeling. Jaz does like it when Adam gets rougher, but this guys just makes her skin crawl and all she can think about is that this is wrong, very wrong.  
She manages to slip his phone out of his pocket and put it in her clutch while she tries not to cringe at how low his hands are on her back. 

« Yevgeny, » she pants, pushing him lightly with a firm hand to his chest. « I need to go to the loo, »  
She locks the door of the adjoining bathroom as soon as she’s in there, making a disgusted face at her reflexion in the mirror. 

« Ok Jaz, switch those babies, » Amir’s voice booms through her ear com. 

Jaz quickly goes through it, slipping the new battery inside Yevgeny’s phone and waits until she gets confirmation that it’s transmitting. 

« You’re good, signal is strong, » Hannah says. « Dalton you’re up in five, » 

She pushes the bathroom door open to find herself face to face with a very naked Yevgeny. 

« Make it two, » she murmurs, her mouth popping open. 

 

xxxxxx

 

By a miracle, Jaz does manage to put the phone back on the top of his pile of clothes without him knowing. She dodges his kiss this time, fake moaning as his lips end on her neck. 

Jaz closes et eyes and prays that Adam won’t be long, because this guy is not something she would qualify as attractive with clothes on, but the lack of it only confirms that impression. 

Adam bursts into the room and it takes everything Jaz has to stop herself from letting out a relieved sigh. 

« What the fuck Isla? » Adam explodes and Jaz jumps away from Yevgeny, leaning towards Adam.  
He grabs her wrist and tugs at it, making it look like an angry gesture while Jaz knows he’s only trying to protect her. 

« Phillip wait! I can explain-»

« You and I need to talk, » Adam snaps at her and she opens wide eyes to him. In their ears, Elle starts talking in a low voice. 

« I need some help, now, » 

Hannah automatically takes control. « Dalton, take care of Yevgeny. Jaz, upstairs bedroom, second door to the left, » 

Adam lunges at a Yevgeny, trying to make a distraction and Jaz slips away, hurrying upstairs. She makes sure she still has her K-bar and her sig hidden under her dress as she climbs up the stairs. 

« McG could you go help Jaz? » asks Amir, but McG’s breath is short as he answers, obviously also in trouble. 

« A little occupied here, » 

Jaz shakes her head, feeling the mission slipping through their fingers. She can hear shouting from where she’s standing and she barely resists the desire to grab her sig before pushing the door open. 

« Hey- » Jaz starts before stopping short when she sees the two people in the room, pretending to be surprised. 

Elle looks like a deer caught in headlights with Valery holding her at gunpoint. 

« Kat? What’s the matter? » she asks, eyes growing big. Gone is the acting now, she didn’t expect Elle to actually get caught while bugging Volontsov. 

« She’s a rat, that’s what she is, » says Valery and Jaz’s head spins, trying to find a way to get them out of here. 

If she tries to help Elle, they’ll both get decked and it won’t be long before the same thing happens to the guys. If she pretends she doesn’t know, they might have a chance. 

« What? » she asks Valery before turning to Elle, suddenly fuming. 

« I found her trying to bug my computer, » he says, but Jaz knows he’s not buying into her act. Out of despair, she whips out her sig and points it at Elle’s head. 

« Who are you working for? MI-6? The CIA? What have you told them about my father? » 

But it’s not enough. Even throwing a fit with a gun in her hands, Valery doesn’t buy it. Elle stares at Jaz with big eyes and Jaz desperately tries to find a way to make Valery back off. But they’ve got Adam and Joe somewhere in the house and if she doesn’t manage to make it look like Elle is a traitor who’s operating alone, she knows that they’ll be screwed. 

With trembling hands, Jaz presses on. « How long have you been spying on us? How long have you been dating my brother just to get some intel, »  
« Isla, » says Elle and Jaz knows that they have no other choice. She needs to shoot her. 

Somewhere that looks big without being vital. And if there is one thing Jaz Khan knows how to do, it’s how to shoot a gun. 

The sound of the bullet echoes through the room. It sinks right where she wants it, near the shoulder, close enough that Valery can actually think that she has killed Katerina. 

Elle is a good operative and she manages to silently fall down in way that makes it hard for Valery to really know if she’s dead or not. Jaz throws her body on top of Elle’s, making a show of checking for a pulse. 

She turns her head to Valery, looking way more calm than she really is. « Dead, » she tells him with finality and he smiles at her. For a second, she can see Yevgeny’s features on his brother’s face. « I’ll take care of the body and then I’m going back to my father, » 

He nods. « Do you need help? » 

Jaz shakes her head. « Us Browns like to clean up our mess ourselves. Send my brother my way will you? » 

Valery is already by the door and he seems relieved, maybe because if she disposed of the body, there’s more room for plausible deniability on his part. « Sure, » 

« Oh and Valery? I might have put your own brother in a bad situation, send me back Phillip in one piece please, » 

« Will do, » he nods before closing the door and Jaz automatically reaches for a sheet on the bed, pressing it against Elle’s wound. 

« Nice shot, » mumbles Adam’s cousin in a fuzzy voice and Jaz shakes her head unbelievingly. 

Those damn Daltons and their habit of laughing off the most perilous situations. 

« Come on, I’m gonna get you out of here before you bleed out, » 

 

xxxxx

 

Jaz and Elle make it to a random rundown apartment that Jaz finds in the middle of the city. They get there with a stolen car and there’s so much blood she really has to concentrate to keep from shaking when she gives McG the address. 

She lays Elle down on the floor and concentrates on keeping a steady pressure on the wound, doing her best to keep the girl alive until McG actually arrives with supplies. 

He bursts into the room not long after that, head snapping everywhere, eyes cleaning out the corners in a move coming straight from his first days in Afghanistan. 

« Adam? » asks Jaz and he shakes his head. 

« We had to come separately. He’s coming don’t worry. The Volontsovs are eternally grateful to the Browns, » 

« You have to patch her up, » Jaz focuses his attention on Elle, head slanting in the girl’s direction. 

McG starts to unpack his things, moving with a speed that’s both impressive and reassuring. 

« You did good, Jazzy, » 

Elizabeth smiles, but it’s not very strong. « We had no choice, right Jaz? » 

« As long as you survive, it was all worth it, » she whispers, still eying the impressive amount of blood. 

« She’ll survive, » cuts McG with a voice that clearly indicates he does not want to be contradicted. Jaz has known Joe for long enough to know that this is a closed subject. 

« I did manage to bug his phone and download all the files on his computer, » Elle keeps talking and McG gives one glance to Jaz. She gets the message, tearing a piece of sheet and jamming it into Elle’s mouth. 

« Bite on this, » Jaz whispers as McG starts digging around for the bullet. 

Adam’s cousin groans, her eyes closing tightly as she tries her best to keep quiet. 

« I’m going as quick as I can here, Elle, » apologizes McG, stitching her up with rapid speed.  
It’s at that moment that Adam appears in the doorway. He’s disheveled and has a gigantic bruise blooming on the side of his face and Jaz lets go of a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

He’s here. More than that; he’s safe. 

Everything will be alright. 

Jaz catches McG’s gaze and he nods at her, giving her permission to go see Adam. Jaz crosses the room, throwing her arms around him, leaning over for a kiss because this whole op was a shit storm and she’s just so happy to know he’s next to her, safe and sound. 

She kisses him and he wraps his arms around her, tugging her closer with relief. Jaz can feel it bouncing off of him, leaving his tightened muscles and just letting him be. 

« What happened? » he asks when he raises his eyes from Jaz. They land on his cousin and he takes a step forward. « Elle got shot? » he asks.  
And goodbye relief, welcome back tense Adam.

« Yeah, we got into an awful situation and I had to shoot her so they’d think she was dead, » explains Jaz. It feels like her voice is too soft for the gravity of the situation and she wants to wrap her arms back around Adam, but something stops her.

His entire being turns tense, waves of anger rolling off of him. Adam turns to Jaz. « You _what?_ » he asks, looking anything but happy. 

Jaz takes a step backwards. « We had to Adam, _I_ had to. It was the only way, » 

His hands close into fists, but it’s his eyes that really get to her. They’re livid with rage, so cold she thinks it must be what the Arctic ocean looks like. « You don’t get to do that, take those decisions. This isn’t just some mission. This is _my_ family, » 

She recoils from his touch at that. 

Her eyes grow huge and they stay on him and she would normally give him a piece of her mind, but the words get jammed in her throat. Fear is clawing back at her, stronger than ever. He takes a step towards her and she physically flinches. 

It feels like her whole world is crumbling down in front of her as Adam’s words replay in her mind. 

_This is my family_

His family. _His_

Which implies it isn’t hers too. That she’s just Jaz, the girl who happens to be sharing his bed. It hurts. So much more than the way he so easily cast her aside when something happened to _his_ family. 

McG is staring at them from his spot on the floor. He gets up and puts himself between them. 

« She'll be good, Top, » he says. « Go take care of _your_ family, »

Jaz can't see anything at this point. Tears are clouding her vision and she doesn’t want Adam to see her crying, so she leans further into Joe because her whole world is crumbling down and he’s the only thing she knows for sure will be there.

He whisks her away, holding her close to his body so she doesn’t have to glance back at Adam and his cousin. Her heart is breaking in front of him and it makes it hard to breathe. She tries her hardest to keep the tears at bay until they’re in the car, but she ends up sobbing inside the staircase, holding on to her best friend for dear life. 

« Jaz, » says McG once he’s secured her into her car seat. She sniffles and wipes her nose on her wrist, struggling with her breathing and her tears, which are coming out like a river. 

« I’m done with this crap, » she manages to get out between sobs. Whether this crap is the op or her relationship with Adam, she’s not entirely sure, but she knows she has to get the hell away from there. 

She can’t stand spending one more second next to Adam.

 

 

xxxxx

 

 

Hannah and Amir are still at the safe house when they get there, and they know by Jaz’s puffy eyes that something happened. 

She gatters her bags without speaking, stopping once in while to let a sob pass through her. She sniffles, her body out of her control and she is sharply remembered that the last time she was in this state was when Elijah died.

It feels like her heart is being ripped away from her chest. This is exactly why she doesn’t do relationships: because they always end like this. But Adam was different- or at least she thought he was- and he’d promised her all those things, said all the right words about how he loved her more than anything and that she deserved the world. 

Not unless she did something to _his family_. 

It hurts, mostly because he’s her whole family and he doesn’t consider her part of his. 

« Where are you going? » asks Amir and its Joe who answers for her. 

« We’re going home, » 

That’s when Jaz notices his bags, already made and waiting for her. 

She wants to protest, but she doesn’t have the strength. Instead she clings to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It looks uncannily like that time where he told his sister he wanted to marry Jaz and retire to start a family with her. Except this time she’s not even a possibility. Or if she is, she isn’t a strong one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s your wump guys ;) Those two have some real feelings here

Adam gets back to the safe house, holding up Elizabeth against his side as she protests. He’s been overly careful with her in the car ride and she has done nothing but rejecting his fussing over. She keeps telling him to think more about what he told Jaz, but Adam is more than ashamed of his outburst and tries his best not to ponder on it.  
He sits her down on the couch with infinite care under Hannah and Amir’s interested gazes and Elizabeth shrugs him off of her. 

« Jeez Adam, I’m not a paper doll. Go talk to your girl, » his cousin looks at him pointedly and Adam lets out a sigh, knowing very well how bad he messed up. 

He turns to Amir. « Where is she? » 

« Top- » 

Adam’s voice dips low as blood rushes through his ears. « Where’s Jaz? She came back here right? » 

He’s suddenly worried they were followed, that something happened to Jaz. His world turns hazy and he flips his head around, searching for her, but all he can see are images of Jaz and McG, bloodied and dying somewhere in a random street. All because of him and his stupid words. 

« Yeah, but— then she left, » 

« What do you mean she left? » Adam feels worry getting replaced with despair. If she left, it means that the situation is even worse than he thought. Because Jaz doesn’t back from a fight. She doesn’t miss an opportunity to scream and huff and give him a piece of her mind. 

It’s when she’s thoroughly hurt that she retreats to those thick walls she so carefully patched and fortified until they became impenetrable. 

It’s Hannah who answers because Amir is wringing his hands, obviously uncomfortable. « She left for the airport, » 

Next to them, Elle’s head rises up from the cushion she has been leaning on. « Joseph? »

« With her, » says Hannah.

Panic rises up, quicker than it ever did and it claws at his throat, making breathing both difficult and painful. _She can’t be gone_. Not after everything they went through, not after the kisses and the late night talks and the discussions and the _I love yous_. Apart from his sisters and cousin, Jaz is the first woman he’s ever said those words to, the first woman he’s ever let himself fall in love with. He tries in vain to push some air back inside his lungs, trying his best to use the tactician part of his mind to find a plan and stay calm and tell himself that _everything is not lost_. 

_Please make it so that he hasn’t lost her._

Adam looks around himself as if expecting her to pop out somewhere. There’s a pit in his stomach that’s growing painful, as if the pit was being turned into a well. « Where is she? Where did McGuire take my girl? » he asks, quickly turning to anger because it’s the easier way. 

This time it’s Elle who takes over, calling him out on what a crappy boyfriend he’s been. « McGuire didn’t make her run away. You did, »

Three weeks ago he was in Sara’s backyard, telling her he was thinking about proposing to Jaz. Now, she’s on a plane with McGuire because she couldn’t even stand to wait and see if things could work out between them. 

He fucked up real good. 

He tries to call her, his fingers frantically punching the numbers on his cellphone. It goes straight to voicemail and he winces, disconnecting the call before making a new one to McG. The same thing happens and Adam closes his fist around his phone, suddenly feeling more desperate than angry. 

« They won’t answer me, » is all he says as he sinks down on the carpet, his back to the couch where Elizabeth is lying on. 

« They’re probably already on a plane, » tries Amir, but even though he’s trying to be nice, Adam can still see the judgement in his eyes. 

She must have told them, or rather McG must have told them what happened. How he snapped at her and practically told her she couldn’t mess with _his_ family, implying she wasn’t his. He knows Jaz has had a hard time dealing with the whole belonging thing and that this summer has been nothing but long and hard battles for tiny victories, but they finally ended up in this place where she was completely open and receptive and he was on the same page. All to have it squashed at the first op coming their way. 

« Fuck, » he whispers thinking about the last time he saw her. How her eyes were wide and filled with tears and her ears turned a bright red as she stood behind McG and clung to him, trying to hide her crying. She didn’t even looked his way because he’d hurt her so bad. 

« How do I fix this? » he asks, eyes lost in the space in front of him. Out of habit, he almost turns to his right, where Jaz always is, to ask her advice. But the space is empty and he wonders if it will always stay that way. 

None of them can answer him. 

 

xxxxx

 

Kendra McGuire is waiting for them at the Billings Logan International Airport. She opens up her arms wide for Jaz as soon as she sets her eyes in her and Jaz doesn’t hesitate to sink into her embrace. 

She smells something flowery, lilies and peonies and it smells like home. Kendra wraps her arms tightly around Jaz and the younger girl lets herself get carried away, doing her best to preserve the rest of her dignity. 

McG must have told her everything that happened -or at least a part of it- and it feels good to have a mother presence, unjudging and loving. Kendra radiates goodness and patience and Jaz isn’t sure if those qualities were ingrained in her from birth or if they’re the result of parenting a young Joseph, but she’s damn glad for them. She smooths down Jaz’s hair and brings her to the parking lot where her pick up truck is waiting. It’s pretty much the same as Adam’s, a more recent model, but similar enough, and it makes Jaz’s shoulders sag. 

They down for more than an hour, passing by miles of empty land peppered with the occasional horse and farmhouse and Jaz sees the appeal of it, of growing up away from the world. It’s a different upbringing than the one she had, one where Joseph was free to grow into the person he is whereas she had to claw her way to adulthood. 

It came quicker than she expected, that adult stuff. She was able to feed herself without any help by the time she was in first grade and she learned to do her work quickly and efficiently while disappearing. This is where she learned to become a ninja, she thinks, but the nickname brings back thoughts of Adam and she’s not ready for those. The tears mount back up. 

« I’ll go make tea, honey. You come to the kitchen when you’re ready, » Kendra tells her as she pats Jaz’s cheek. 

McG grabs both of their bags and hauls them up the stairs. He lives in his own house, a small and cosy little cottage that boasts high ceilings and wooden beams and a gigantic stone fireplace. His mother lives at the original ranch house, but Jaz knows both of them like having their space while knowing the other isn’t far away. 

Jaz pushes the door to the room she always occupies whenever she comes to McG’s. There is a big fluffy white comforter and a pile of pillows that smell like fresh laundry and Jaz knows it’s Kendra’s doing. She’s also cleaned the whole room by the looks of it, the smell of cleaning products lingering in the air. 

Kendra has left her a pile of towels and a bunch of scented candles have been scattered around the room. There’s even fresh flowers in the vase by the window and a few books neatly piled up on the bedside table. 

This feels like home, with all the little attentions and it makes Jaz tear up all over again. 

McG is setting her bag down when he notices her wet cheeks and he automatically goes for her. « Jazzy, » he whispers. « We’ll make everything alright again, don’t worry, » 

She shakes her head against his chest. « It’s not that, or maybe it is a little. It’s just- your mom did all this for me and- I mean I’m not used to-»

« Being loved ? » asks Joe. 

Jaz nods, her lips staying firmly closed. His palms run over her back in an up and down motion, making Jaz lean further into his torso. 

« Well get used to it because you are loved Jazzy girl, » 

Her breathing settles down and he tugs her back downstairs where Kendra is busy putting an array of cookies on a chipped plate. Everything in the McGuire household is a little worn, most furnitures scrapped and stained due to Joe’s raucous ways, but it feels _settled in_. 

Jaz drops on a stool at the island, eyes scanning the kitchen. There’s fresh bread slowly rising in the oven and the smell makes her calm down. 

« I made your favorite, » smiles Kendra as her hand squeezes Jaz’s shoulder, firmly settling her down in a move that’s meant to be both reassuring and controlling. There is no question as to who is in charge here; Kendra is in full mother mode. 

Jaz grabs the mug with both hands, blowing on the steam, ignoring the pain from the heat. She doesn’t mind it, really, it anchors her to the world, this physical pain. 

« Here, snickerdoodles, » Kendra keeps going, piling a few cookies on a napkin in front of Jaz. Cinnamon sugar spills on the counter, but no one cares about it. Jaz grabs one and munches on it, partly to stop Kendra from worrying and partly because she does make good food. 

Next to her, Joe starts to eat cookie after cookie with an hearty appetite. Jaz can’t help the slightly disgusted look that creeps on her face and it makes Kendra chuckle. 

McG’s mom doesn’t push herself on Jaz. Instead, she showers her with love and little attentions, from making jasmin tea to promising her a cheesecake the next day. At some point she orders her son outside so he can grill the steaks while she and Jaz make pies. 

« Joseph told me you recently took an interest in cooking, » observes Kendra as she starts to roll the pie shell on the floured counter. 

« Yeah, didn’t want Preach’s daughters to starve, » shrugs Jaz, but there’s a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She likes cooking, even though she never had an interest in it before. It occupies her hands during leave, makes her see that she can do something else than shoot guns. 

This year has been a hard one, and Jaz finds that she likes knowing that she can be something more than Jaz the snipper. She takes comfort in that new Jaz, who has abilities and can take care of kids and can actually send I love you texts to McG without feeling silly. She also learned she could actually love, that she could be in a relationship without screwing everything up. Adam did that all by himself. 

« How about a coconut pie? » 

Jaz takes a breath in. Her stomach lurches painfully and she takes a minute to compose herself. How many of those coconut pies has she baked for Adam? How happy was she when she took them out of the oven and Adam came behind her, nuzzling her neck as he tried to be sneaky and take a piece. 

She snaps out of her thoughts, hands gripping the counter. « How about a blueberry one? I thought I saw some bushes behind? » 

Kendra gives her a sharp glance, but she relents and opens the sliding glass door to send her son on blueberry picking duty. Jaz bites back a smile at how whipped Joe is by his mother. 

They make pies and finish the dinner while Joe takes care of the steaks, and Jaz ends up having a good time. She’s reminded of all those leaves where she and Elijah would come here and Kendra often joined them in their nights, laughing and dropping advices here and there. 

After dinner, Kendra lights up a scented candle and it bathes the room in a cozy and warm aura that makes Jaz feel safer than she has been in the past weeks. 

She’s come at the ranch a lot, but it’s the first time that Jaz tells herself she wants to be a mom like Kendra. It scares her a bit because she never thought she’d have children and the desire crept on her very suddenly. Back when they were in California and at the cabin, Jaz imagined it was because of Adam, but even with him out of the picture, she still wants to be a mother. He may not be part of her hypothetical future, but those tiny blue eyed kids are still firmly living inside her imagination. 

She’s not sure what to make of that. 

 

xxxxx

 

 

Adam slams his phone down on the table. It cracks the glass top and he swears under his breath, staring at the mess he’s just made. He passes a hand through his beard as he sinks in a chair, barely managing to hold himself together. 

Jaz is gone. Or rather, Jaz has been gone for days. She hasn’t given him a sign of life, hasn’t responded to his messages or his calls, and it’s driving him crazy. Even before they got together, they kept in touch. It’s the longest he hasn’t spoken to her and it feels like a part of him has been wrenched away from his body. 

She keeps ignoring his calls and he keeps getting her voicemail. The only news he got was a single line from McG. 

_She’s safe_

That’s it. Three words. From the guy she ran away with. Adam knows he’s not being fair, but he doesn’t care. He screwed up, but he misses her. And some part of him bitterly resents McG.

« Adam, » 

He raises his head to find Patricia in the doorway. At this point, he’s so desperate he doesn’t even try to hide his feelings. Instead, he nods at her before turning back his attention to his cracked screen. 

« She still hasn’t called? » Patricia asks. Adam knows better than to look surprised, mainly because he’s not. There are few thing in this world that Patricia Campbell doesn’t know. 

« She’s not gonna. Stubborn as a mule and she has reasons to, » 

Patricia doesn’t seem too fazed by this. They’re in the middle of their lunch break, openly discussion his out of bound relationship in a DIA office and the woman has a damn knowing smile on her face. 

« You know Adam, we’ve never talked about it, but Jaz and I, we come from very similar places, » 

He raises his eyes from his phone. It’s ridiculous how he keeps clinging to it, he knows, but he keeps holding on to the hope that it might light up with her name. Patricia had been here for him through a number of things, offering comfort and advice, but she’s never offered her story. It makes him look up.

« Abusive parents, rough childhood. I had to claw my way into this world and it took everything I had to fall in love with Michael’s dad, » Patricia tells him and Adam goes back to the way Jaz trembled in his arms as she told him similar things. Back when they were together, blissfully happy and alone at his cabin. Back when they still thought they had a future and when he found himself thinking about quitting everything to raise a family with her. 

« You messed up. We all mess up. But she got spooked because of her past, » Patricia’s hand closes over his and Adam does his best not to look too sad. His eyes fall to the floor because he’s feeling too vulnerable right now.

« What do I do? » Adam mumbles. He’s asked this question to everyone, but no one seems to know the answer. Probably because he screwed up so bad this is beyond salvage and no one knows how to tell him. 

« There’s no right answer. But understanding where she comes from is a step in the right direction, » 

 

xxxxx

 

Jaz sniffles as she closes her phone, staring into the empty space in front of her. It’s been a week since she arrived in Montana and she still hasn’t adjusted to the wide fields of nothing. It’s a relaxing sight during the day, but at night, it makes her feel like she’s the only thing left in the world. Her and Joe and his house, lost in an empty sea of black. 

Kendra’s house is not so far away, the faint lights softly glowing to her left. Jaz wishes for the woman’s presence at the moment. She has a way of calming Jaz, of making her see that she _can_ actually live without Adam. It’s a weird thing not to be in contact with him, not to be able to touch him or to turn her head and find him there, by her side. 

He’s left her a dozen voicemails. He’s called and texted and she still refuses to answer. Jaz tried to forgive him, she really did, but she keeps replaying the moment where he told her she couldn’t do what she wanted with _his family_. It’s stuck in the back of her mind, unbulging and heavy and it makes her heart break all over again each time she’s remembered of it. 

Yet she can’t help herself, she ends up listening to every single one of his voicemails, mostly because the sound of his voice calms her. Jaz wakes up night after night with a racing heart, reaching out for him and finding her bed empty. It makes her even more anxious to find cold sheets and the memory pops back inside her head and the feelings climb all over her once again. 

Listening to him apologizing and telling her how much he loves her is harder than she thought it would be. Jaz finds herself curling her whole body into a ball on the hanging swing by McG’s front porch, trying in vain to steady her breathing. First comes the calm breaths, then the relaxed state of mind. 

Only this time it doesn’t work, because Adam has a way of changing the rules, of making her world feel unsteady. Tears spill down her cheeks as she takes in a shaky breath, ignoring how the air bumps and roll awkwardly inside of her lungs. They refuse to expand properly, clenching in her chest and making her hurt. 

The doors creeks open next to her and Jaz doesn’t even bother turning her head. « You’re not asleep? » asks Joe. He’s blinking his eyes in the darkness, trying to see something, but then his vision must adjusts because his voice softens as he walks up to her. « Jazzy, » he whispers as he sits next to her. 

His large palm literally engulfs her shoulder and, before she knows it, she is squished into his chest, pushing her cheek into the hot crook of his neck.

« You listened to his messages? » he asks and Jaz knows there’s no point in denying it.

« Yeah. It’s all the same. He’s sorry. He loves me. Whatever, » she shrugs, but a sob goes through her body at the same time and the mix goes for a weird spasm. 

« He does, Jazzy. It doesn’t excuse what he’s done, but he does love you, »

Jaz isn’t sure how it’s supposed to help her, knowing that. A part of her still clings to Adam, or rather to the idea of him, of them being a possibility. But the rational part of her brain knows that they’re an impossibility in itself, that their little experiment of the summer crashed down as soon as it got tested in the real world. 

Let's get you to bed, whispers Joe and she nods into his chest. Even her in Montana where the nights are freezing, he still insists on going shirtless. Jaz used to be bothered by it, but she quickly grew accustomed to his general lack of clothing. It doesn’t phase her anymore, makes him look a little… endearing. 

They climb up the stairs, Jaz still leaning heavily into him as her breaths come out uneaven and she makes a turn to the right for her room when Joe tugs at her hand, steering her towards his own bedroom instead. 

He settles her into the bed, right into the cradle of his body and Jaz simply lets herself be cuddled because she has no more energy. She’s tired of fighting, tired of insisting that she’s alright when she clearly isn’t. Her mind is a jumble of emotions, her body a wrecked muscleless shell, and Joe gives her the steadiness she needs at the moment. 

He’s always given her that, from the first moment she crept into his bed, back in Turkey. It was during one of her first months on the team and she’d screwed up, taking out the shooter too late. Joe had gotten nothing more than a flesh wound, but this team was more like a family than coworkers and it affected Jaz to a whole other level to know that she was the one responsible for almost getting Joe killed. She had slipped into his room in the middle of the night , hovering over his sleeping form to make sure that her nightmares were just that and that Joe was still alive. He’d finally tugged her in, wrapping her up in his arms. In an uncharacteristically non-Jaz way, she had settled her head against his chest, right above his beating heart and the sound had given her enough reassurance to let her sleep.

The same thing happens here, with Jaz pressing her ear to his chest, finally managing to sink her breathing to the beat of Joe’s heart. 

 

xxxxx

 

Adam tries to call Jaz every morning and night. The whole time he’s in DC, he adds the calls to his routine, first calling her before breakfast, then texting her as he goes out to the DIA. When he comes back, he and Elizabeth grab something to eat and he once again tries to call her as they wait for their food. She never answers, but he always leaves a voicemail, repeating the same things all over again. 

He still clings to the hope that she’ll answer, but he’s quickly growing desperate. Eventually, he’ll have to find something else, to at least get her to forgive him. Adam always ends his days with a goodnight text. It feels weird to crawl into an empty bed, to wake up to one, to start reaching for her and get startled when he realizes that this isn’t a dream, that she really did run away from him. 

Adam and Elizabeth go back to Pennsylvania once they’re done with the debriefs. His cousin chooses to go bunk with Molly, first because there’s more place in Molly’s appartement than Adam’s cabin, but mostly because she knows that Adam needs his alone time to wallow in despair. 

He ends up holding her pillow to his chest as he sleeps. It still holds her scent and it’s the only thing that manages to calm him these days. When he has this arm around that pillow, with his eyes closed, he can make himself believe that she’s here, sprawled on his chest, holding onto him like she used to do before he screwed up. 

One Sunday night he joins Sara’s usual family dinner, and although he smiles for his niece and nephews, he can’t help but feel like a part of him is missing. Jaz is supposed to be here, throwing a football with Gabe, teasing Isabelle and ending the night with Elliott curled into her arms as he falls asleep. 

A pang goes through his chest as he thinks of all the ways Jaz fits perfectly into his family, of how easily she captured the kids’ hearts. 

« Where’s Jaz? » asks Isabelle halfway through dinner and Adam ducks his head, trying to find what to say. 

« She’s on vacation, honey, » replies Elle and Isabelle seems to accept the answer without pushing it further. Adam doesn’t miss the way Sara eyes him up suspiciously on her side of the table. 

« What happened with Jaz? » she asks later once she’s managed to pull him aside. They’re back in those patio chairs with cold beers. It looks uncannily like that time where he told his sister he wanted to marry Jaz and retire to start a family with her. Except this time she’s not even a possibility. Or if she is, she isn’t a strong one. 

« I fucked up, » he mumbles, staring as the kids play with Molly and Elle. Elliott has recently started to walk in a steadier way, and he’s now running on his chubby legs, making Adam wish so hard he hadn’t told Jaz off. If he hadn’t maybe they’d be closer to getting married and talking about buying a house and having kids. Surely they’d end up having one who would look a bit like Elliott; a busy toddler who explores the whole world with big Jaz-wide eyes. 

Sara clasps his shoulder, running her thumb over the cotton of his tee. « You really love this girl? » she asks after a few minutes of silence. 

Adam almost scoffs at his sister. It’s not a matter of loving Jaz, it’s a matter of loving Jaz too much. So much that she’s all he can think about, and that knowing she refuses to talk to him or even answer his texts has him feeling like a entire 12 wheeler rolled over him. « Come on Sara. I’d drop everything for her, »

And he means it. Three weeks ago, he was ready to drop the job and head to the nearest jewelry store. He still is, but she isn’t. 

« You need to tell her that. » Sara is on full mom mode right now. She stares at him with this no-nonsense look of hers, practically ordering him around. There’s a decisiveness to her tone that makes him want to hop on the first plane to Montana just because his sister said so.

« She won’t answer, » Adam sighs, passing a hand through his beard. 

« Then go to her, » 

 

xxxxx

 

Unwittingly, Jaz turns into a rancher this summer. She wakes up at the crack of dawn -willingly to her surprise- to slip on boots and get to the actual ranch. The McGuires have a lot of animals, and they need a lot of attention. There’s usually a neighbor who helps Kendra when her son is deployed, but Joe likes to do these things when he’s back home. 

She usually goes to the chicken coop to pick the eggs. The chickens scared her at first, but now she doesn’t mind them that much. Then she cleans the cage and tries her best to avoid the chickens’ sharp beaks. There’s a copper-colored one she likes, one that doesn’t seem so intent on eating her fingers and she spends some time everyday giving her a bit more food. 

Joe told Jaz she was named Pippa, and when she asked him why, he simply mumbled something about the royal wedding and the bride’s sister being one hell of a woman. 

Jaz tucks that information deep within herself, smiling at the thought of McG watching the royal wedding- and even going as far as to name one of his chicken after it. 

« Hey Pippa, » she greets the chicken as she throws her a little more grains. She lets her pet her feathers and Jaz spends a few minutes with her before rising up. Next come the goats and she absolutely adores them. 

Tommy is the newest animal in the farm, a small soft grey goat who loves to be petted. He runs up to her as soon as he sees Jaz, and she isn’t sure if it’s because he likes her or because she has food, but she still crouches down to his level. 

« I think he likes you, » Joe’s voice comes from behind her and she grins at him, holding Tommy tight to her chest. 

« I like him too, » 

As if on cue, the baby goat licks her fingers and she puts him back down, looking on as he runs up to the other goats on his fast little legs. 

« Come on Jazzy, mom made breakfast, » 

Jaz lets him pass an arm over her shoulder, craning her neck to look up at him. They’ve been living in this ranch bubble where time is all jumbled up for a few weeks now, and Jaz finds that she often forgets what day of the week it is. If Kendra is making breakfast, it means it’s a Saturday morning. 

To be honest all the days seem to blend into each other. They start with animals and ranch stuff, followed by lazy afternoons of laying around and nights of evasion. Joe tries his best to keep her mind occupied and Adam is never mentioned even though his name keeps popping up on her phone a few times a day. 

He started to send her pictures: Patton running around the yard, Isabelle shooting her BB gun, Gabe with a huge football helmet, grinning a toothless grin. Then there’s the video of Elliott who’s running speedy fast and Jaz chokes a sob when she gets the message because she wasn’t there to see it. She’s grown attached to Adam’s niece and nephews, and she realizes that she didn’t just lose him, she lost everything that came with him. 

The cabin, Patton, Isabelle, Gabe, Elliott, Sara and Molly. And Adam. Always Adam. 

Jaz isn’t sure why exactly she doesn’t forgive him, why she can’t step over her pride and call him back. But the pain is too raw and she’s still certain that this stint in Ukraine was only foreshadowing what a mess they truly would be. If they’d stayed together. 

« Didn’t realize it was the weekend, » says Jaz, trying to block memories of Adam and her chasing the kids in a makeshift football game. 

« Damn right it is. We’re going out tonight, » Joe beams at her and she can’t help smiling back at him. 

Joe has been taking her out a lot. They’ve tried many things to get her mind off of Adam. They’ve seen every movie that isn’t horror at the theater, tried every restaurant in town -well the five that exist in the town of Bander- and even hit the bowling alley (where Jaz destroyed McG). 

They have gone to various bars, always coming back together. It seems like Joe isn't laying on the charm as thick here in Montana, and Jaz knows it’s because of her. She still sleeps in his bed every night and she’s grateful because she knows Joe would rather be trying to sweet talk a girl into having sex with him than sharing the bed with her, the girl who spends her nights crying for her long lost love. 

Sometimes they stay in and do cards nights with Kendra, and those are some of Jaz’s favorite nights because she feels like she has a family. Like Kendra is her mom and Joe her brother and they go back to this easy sibling like banter that has characterized the entirety of their relationship. 

They even speak of booking a week or two in Hawaii to get some sun and sand. What Joe doesn’t say is that wide open spaces and a feel of vacation might help her relax, but he never voices it and Jaz keeps clinging to him night after night. 

 

xxxxx

 

McG is coming out of the shower when he hears his phone blasting a familiar tune. Jaz is outside, mowing the lawn on their brand new tractor, and his mother is at work. He’s all alone in his house with a screen that says that Adam Dalton is calling him. 

He lets out a sigh and decides to take the call. After all, Top has been nothing if not persistent in the past month and he can’t imagine how he must feel, knowing that the woman he loves doesn’t want to have to do anything with him anymore. 

« Hello, » he answers, waiting for Top to continue. 

« McG? » Adam asks unbelievingly. It’s true that not many of his calls have found an answer in the McGuire household and it must be weird to talk to a live person instead of the usual machine offering to take a message. But Top is a good man- one who made a mistake- and one of McG’s friends and he can’t keep ignoring him, not when they’ll all be back to working together soon enough. 

« Yeah, » he rasps, eyes fixed on Jaz’s moving form as she speeds up on the tractor. 

« How is she? » 

Joe takes a moment to contemplate what to answer. Jaz has been a mess, crying at the slightest reminder of Adam, listening almost manically to his voicemails but never answering them, sneaking into his bed every night because she says she feels safer in his arms. He knows it’s been a rough year for her. Elijah, Tehran and Preach have taken a toll on her, but Adam is the thing that pushed her over the edge. The protective part of Joe wants to keep Adam as far away from Jaz as possible, but he knows that at the end of the day, she’d much rather climb into their CO’s bed at night. 

« Not that good, » 

Adam inhales on his side of the phone. Joe can feel the desperation, even though he’s miles away from him. « I screwed up so bad, » he says, and to Joe, Top has never sounded so broken. 

« Adam, » Joe starts, pulling the first name card. « You really hurt her, » 

« I know, » Adam answers. « There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t see her face in Ukraine and-» 

Joe stays silent as Adam stops talking, choking up on emotions. He clears his throat. « Look, Adam. She’s too proud to say it, but you pretty much broke her heart, » 

He was the first person she let herself love after her old CO. Even then, Joe is pretty sure she wasn’t as deep in love as with Adam. He stares at his tiny sniper through his window and lets out a sigh, not sure if he should push her back toward the guy she’s supposed to end up with, or protect her and patiently glue her back piece by piece until she’s finally whole again. 

« She’s it for me, Joe, » Adam croaks out. « There’s no one else I want to share my life with, » 

Joe lets his forehead fall against the glass of the window panel. He’s always been team Adam and Jaz, but it took a fucked up turn this summer. Deep down, he knows that his loyalties lay with Jaz. She’s his closest friend, the one he considers more a sister than a coworker, and he loves Adam, but not as much as he loves Jaz. He has to do the right thing for Jaz, and the right thing might just be Adam. 

That night, when Jaz crawls up to him in his bed, he wraps an arm around her and keeps her facing him. She seems in a better mood so he decides to broach the Adam subject without telling her they spoke earlier. 

Jaz shakes her head and actually recoils a bit in his arms, but McG can see how shiny her eyes are. She might be buck headed, but deep down Joe knows she still longs for Adam. 

« I’m over him, » she whispers as if trying to convince herself. « I told you, I’m done with this crap,» 

« If you say so, hun, » Joe relents, bringing her closer to him. She buries her head in the crook of his neck and slowly relaxes her body into his embrace. Her breath tickles his neck and he’s almost sure she’s sleeping when she raises her chin to meet his eyes. 

« I’m sorry about Elizabeth. You really liked her, » 

He chuckles because Dalton’s cousin was probably the most enthralling person he’s ever seen, but who would he be if he chose a woman he barely knows over his best friend? Joe runs his fingers through Jaz’s locks and cranes his neck to kiss her forehead. « It’s alright, Jazzy. Don’t worry about it, » 

 

xxxxx

 

« From the man there, » says the bartender as he pushes a cocktail in front of Jaz. She and Joe are at one of their usual bars, relaxing over beers as country music plays over their heads. 

She barely glances at the man before picking the cocktail, taking an experimental sip from the colorful straw. 

« Why don’t you go thank him? » asks Joe and Jaz makes a face at him. « What? You said you were over Top and this man looks exactly like your type, » 

« I don’t have a type, » mumbles Jaz before checking out the man. As soon as she sets her eyes on him, she knows that he’s her type -even if she doesn’t have one. Blonde hair, blue eyes, strong shoulders, built frame… she could go on and on about how he looks so similar to Adam and it’s not exactly unappealing.

« Sure you don’t, » teased Joe as he catches her giving a slow smile to the blonde man. It’s not like Jaz hasn’t been bought drinks before. It’s a regular occurrence here at the bar, but it’s the first time she actually considers acting on it. « Just go chat with him, see if you want to go home with him. I’ll even come pick you up first thing in the morning, » 

Jaz weights in her options. He _is_ cute, but she finds herself longing for Adam. If he was there, he’d laugh at the man’s audacity before pulling her into his arms and kissing her unabashedly, probably while tucking his hands in the back pockets of her jeans. She closes her eyes briefly, doing her best to fight the rising anxiety. Adam is a thing of her past. He and her are done and they’ll never get back together. She’s been broken too many times to put herself out there again and know she’ll end up just as hurt. 

« Just go for it Jazzy. Finish hammering the damn nail, » 

So she downs her drink and walks up to the guy. He’s charming and nice and lives a simple life, one that allows for relationships and healthy lifestyles and Jaz catches herself feeling drawn to him. He kisses her against the bar and she kisses him back, going as far as to moan into his mouth. But then her mind stops being blank and starts a mental slideshow of Adam. 

There’s Adam and her, blissfully naked and alone at his cabin, rolling over the sheets in their bed, knocking over piles of books. Adam telling her how pretty she is that night she made the carrot cake at Preach’s. Adam holding her hand and telling her he loved her more than anything when she finally broke down and told him everything as she wept. Adam giving her such a deep, love-filled look when he found her clutching a sleeping Elliott in her arms.

It’s all it take for Jaz to know that she’s not over him, that she still thinks of him whenever she thinks of her future. That she still hopes for that ring and house that can be filled with tiny blond haired and blue eyed kids running everywhere.

« Want to go to my place? » asks the guy as Jaz finds herself moving away from him, whispering a hasty _sorry_ before fleeing the place, head cast down. 

 

xxxxx

 

McG finds her wrapped in a tight ball in the bed of his truck. He wordlessly climbs inside and sits down next to her, tugging her so she’s once again sprawled on his chest, letting tears fall down her cheeks as occasional sobs wreck through her body. 

He wanted her to try to sleep with someone else just so show her that she was not over Adam. His plan worked, but it also backfired, because Jaz is back to being a mess and he hates seeing her like this. 

He drives them back to the ranch and tucks her in his bed, staying with her and smoothing down her hair until she falls asleep. It’s when her breaths even out that he silently slips out of the room, phone clutched in his hand. 

In the dim light of his kitchen, McG composes a phone number her knows all too well, hoping he’s doing the right thing. He can’t stand the sight of his best friend crying herself to sleep every night, not anymore. 

The phone rings three times before someone answers and McG’s grip on the counter tightens. 

« Hello? » 

« Elizabeth? » 

 

xxxxx

 

After the bar fiasco, Jaz wakes up the next morning with an impending sense of dread. She’s still in love with Adam. This is problematic, because she was so sure she’d managed to built back her defense, but they came down so easily the night before. 

Blinking sleep away, she slips into the shower and gets dressed before going down the stairs, finding the house empty. Still slowed down by a powerful headache and her doomed state of mind, Jaz pushes a few buttons on the fancy coffee maker on Joe’s counter. She stays next to it, watching her mug filling itself, not finding it in herself to do something else, as if caught inside a trance. 

The doorbell rings and Jaz grabs her mug, glancing down at her outfit. She chose to wear Adam’s army shirt like she always does when she has a bad day, but she doubts the person ringing at the front door will care. This is Montana after all. 

Quickly, she walks up to the door and flings it open without even thinking of looking through the side windows first. 

Her whole body grows dangerously still and her mouth opens in her state of shock. Her heart leaps into her chest, so painful she almost winces, and to Jaz,it feels like time has stopped. 

There, on Joe’s doorstep, stands a man who’s exactly her type; blonde hair, blue eyes, trimmed beard, broad shoulders and built frame. She stares at him, not quite believing what she’s seeing.

« Adam? »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next alternative is about 35% done and life is super busy these days so it will probably take more than a week to post... sorry about that, but I’d love to have your impressions meanwhile ;)


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